Immortal Wars: Light, Blood, & Tears Part 36

(Disclaimer: A warning to those who continue.  This is a sequel to a previous story.  Both of these were written in the mid-1990’s.  While the first one was slightly edited and vanity press published, this one has not been touched in over 20 years.  I figure I should do something with it and people may get a laugh or fright from how I used to be.  Every author comes from somewhere, so this is part of my origin.  To that end, I am deeply sorry for whatever nightmares I will inflict on the literary world and the American English language.  Enjoy?)

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The inside of the museum is very dark and quiet as Fate wanders around the empty hallways.  Every now and then, the guardian comes across a group of people that are cowering in the shadows.  A few quick words of comfort are all he uses to get them to leave the museum.  When he gets to a room with a blue whale hanging from the ceiling, a sadly predictable sight greets him.  Suspended from the whale is a dead cop, whose neck was snapped like a toothpick.  There are big, red blotches of lipstick all over his silent, smiling face.

“I hope you like it.  Originally, I was thinking of doing the traditional head on a pike.  But this way is so much cleaner and a lot less nauseating,” says Adriana from atop the stuffed whale.  She gracefully jumps down and leans against a display case with a fake Portuguese man-of-war in it.

“Why did you kill him?  I was the one you wanted,” responds Fate as he draws the magic sword.

“The guard?  His death was an accident, but I decided to make some use of him.  You were taking far too long, so I found a new playmate.  As you can see, I was a tiny bit too rough with him, but at least he died with a smile.  Human beings are such fragile creatures.  Can you please put your weapon away before you do something that I will regret?”

“Not a chance.”

“Look, Eddie.  I left my staff on top of the whale and I want you to put your sword up there.  Personally, I think we would have much more fun in a no weapons battle.”  The Mars guardian begrudgingly throws the sword of light onto the blue whale while Adriana runs to the doorway.

“I thought that you wanted to fight me.  So, why are you running away?”  Fate leaps over to her and lifts the blond off the floor by her tight shirt.  Adriana simply laughs before slapping his hands away.  She begins to back away while silently beckoning the guardian to follow with a quick movement of her fingers.

“Show a little patience, Fate.  I have something important to discuss with you.  So, let’s walk and talk.  The problem is that I have had to be secretive with this for a very long time.  Hard to break habits that one has had for so long.  It will be a lot easier once I give you your present,” mentions Adriana while they walk through a two-floor room with a large elephant herd.

“What present?” Fate asks.  Adriana starts swinging on an elephant’s tusk like a playful, and adorable, monkey.  When she gets enough momentum, the voluptuous immortal flips onto the guardian’s shoulders.

“That is my little secret.  But I can tell you that this item is something that you lost a long time ago.  And you can’t even begin to guess what it is.  So, don’t waste time trying.”  She kisses Fate on the forehead before she gets off of him.

“Are you feeling sicker than usual?  You’re acting much too weird for me to possibly take you seriously.”

“I’m fine.  It’s just that I thought you loved girls who are playful and sweet.  Or I am reading Kelly’s usual behavior the wrong way.  But since you insist and you are the guest of honor, I’ll try to act serious.  But it won’t be easy.”  Adriana lies down on a bench and slowly calms down while Fate cautiously sits next to her.

“Let me see if I understand this.  You acted like that in order to make me give you all of my attention?  You’re losing your touch.  Why not use your powers and make it easier and a lot less embarrassing for yourself?  Anyway, I won’t join you.  So you shouldn’t waste time your time.”

“Good point.  Although, I do so love a challenge and, if you remember, my powers don’t work so well on you.  Besides, I was only trying to get you to relax and have a little fun, which obviously didn’t happen.”

“So, why did you even mention me loving you?  That won’t happen in a few million years.”

“It will happen.  By the end of this day you will love me like you never dreamed.  Or maybe you have dreamed about it and don’t know it yet.  Just wait until you get your present.  Well, that’s enough resting time.  Follow me for the surprise of your life.”  She swiftly leads him into one of the dinosaur exhibits.  When they stop near the large Tyrannosaurus skeleton, Adriana spin kicks Fate in the face.

“I guess we’ve stopped with the walking and talking.  You’ve gotten stronger since our last bout,  Adriana,” says the Mars guardian.  He grabs the woman by the arm and tosses her over the towering skeleton.  She bounces off of the wall and lands gracefully on her feet.

“I’ve been working out just for this particular fight.  Well, it’s not really a fight.  I prefer to call it the party’s entertainment.  Wouldn’t you agree, birthday boy!” she hollers while Fate leaps at her.  She falls onto her back in order to push the younger immortal over a display case by using her legs.

“This isn’t my birthday.  It’s not for another six and a half months.  How would you know when it is anyway?”

“I’ll tell you later.  All you have to know is that your entire life has been one big lie since you hit the age of five.  And I am the only one who knows the truth.  Today you are going to be reborn into what you were supposed to be.”  Both of the immortals attempt to hit each other with flying kicks and they miss completely.  They land on their feet, but Adriana moves fast enough to elbow Fate in the back.  He stumbles forward as Adriana tries to hit him again, but the guardian clumsily rolls into her.  They fall onto the ground and Fate quickly pins the blond on her back.

“What do you mean?  How can you know anything about me beside my name and powers?  Answer me or I swear I’ll rip your beating heart out!”  Adriana wraps her legs around Fate’s waist in order to flip him onto his back.  She jumps up and bounces off his stomach like a trampoline.

“Looks like I nailed one of your nerves.  You see, I’ve been aware of you since you were born.  In fact, I was a very good friend of your father.  Startrix told me all about the new Mars guardian, so I went to enter this young child’s life.  It was you, but after your father died and your mother . . . disappeared, I lost track of you.  My daughter’s problem took my attention away from you and I nearly forgot about your existence until we met about over a year ago.  Are you buying any of this story because you look a little doubtful?”

“That’s because I don’t believe you.  That excuse is the lamest story that I’ve ever heard.  What’s the truth?”  Adriana gives a little shrug before she uppercuts the guardian in the face with all her strength.  Fate sails into the towering Tyrannosaurus skeleton with enough force to shatter the bones and knock the entire display over.  From out of the cracked skull bounces a blue present with a sparkling, gold ribbon on it.

“There’s the real truth.  Go ahead.  Open it up.  I swear on my child’s life that there is no danger.”  Just then, Draveon punches through the floor and kicks the present behind a case that holds a nest of fossilized eggs.

“Am I interrupting anything important?  Well, if I am then you both have my sincerest apology,” says the ultimate genetic weapon.

The other two immortals look at each other and Fate replies, “So, Infinity didn’t stop you.  Well, you can’t kill both of us.”

“Of course, I can kill both of you.  Tegam and the two female guardians have left the planet.  Cybro and Infinity are off hiding somewhere while healing and resting.  The two of you are alone and weak.  I can’t possibly lose this fight because the two of you are incapable of working together.”

“Over our dead bodies.  Oops.  I don’t think I should have said that,” mutters Adriana.  Both of the blond immortals pounce on Draveon as if they discussed doing it beforehand.  But the larger villain grabs both of them by their necks before they can get any shots in.

“I’m not even going to reply to that overdone cliché.  Although, you will be happy to know that I won’t kill either of you any time soon.  I plan to torture the both of you first.  Sweet dreams.”  Draveon continuously slams the struggling immortals together until they are left limp and barely breathing.

“That was much easier than I expected.  I guess you two were planning on fighting each other.  Didn’t even see me coming,” whispers Draveon as he drags them away.

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7 Tips to Writing a Zany Story

Animaniacs

Writing a crazy or zany series isn’t easy.  Many people think it is because they believe you just throw everything out there.  Yet, there does have to be something to hold the events and characters together.  Otherwise, you have an utter mess that nobody can make any sense out of.  How do you do it?  Well . . .

  1. It helps to have a serious character in the mix.  This character becomes an eye in the storm of insanity.  Maybe they try to stop it or they simply go for the ride while pointing out the crazy to the audience.  These characters can act as vehicles for the audience to use as their focal points.  This will help in bringing some coherency to the antics.
  2. Running gags have their limits.  I remember reading that comedy has the ‘Rule of 3’ where a joke can happen 3 times in succession.  First is a shock.  Second is a surprise that it happened again.  Third time is a surprise that it was done once more.  Beyond that, the audience will be ready or get bored with the repetition.  This doesn’t seem to be the case due to certain popular shows smashing it and people have more limited attention spans.  Still, this is something that works best in books because it requires more focus.
  3. Zany doesn’t mean 100% nonsensical.  Sure, it’s funny to see logic go out the window and physics break.  That still requires you have something to show that this is an actual story.  For example, the Animaniacs were random and wild, but they got into clear situations such as renting a room from Dracula or trying to sell cookies to Albert Einstein.  They had a goal, which traveled through the comedy.
  4. Read and watch stories that are designed for comedy to get a better sense of timing and flow.  Fight the urge to think all you need are jokes and a basic idea of story structure because you have a lot of chainsaws to juggle here.  The chainsaws are also on fire and singing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’.
  5. Place moments of seriousness and sanity in the story to prevent desensitization.  This doesn’t break the flow like you may believe.  It can dial back the mood to center, which allows for the comedy to strike as hard as it did before.  Otherwise, you’re going to be battering against a steadily crumbling wall that will eventually decide it’s best to watch a documentary on chia pets.
  6. Breaking the 4th wall is a popular choice when it comes to these series.  You can’t make this the centerpiece.  If every character is repeatedly talking to the audience then they’re spending less time in the story.  This tactic is funny, but it also erodes the suspense of disbelief.  Every time you use it, the audience is edged back into reality for a brief moment.  One method that can allow you to do this more often is to pick one character to do so and the others get confused about who they are talking to.  Still, it comes with the same risk.
  7. You have to abide by your own rules even if the world is crazy.  One character can’t be immune to anvils falling on them while another is killed.  Not unless you establish that they come from two different species or systems.  For example,  Roger Rabbit (a toon) could survive things like a toon while Eddie Valiant (a human) will die.  This needs to be made clear.  Otherwise, the story appears to be working off the whim of the author and that can cost you readers.  They’ll pick up on that nothing is stable and swiftly become numb to the antics.  A big part of the zany is that it happens within the backdrop of established norms, which it breaks.
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Character Types: The Helper

Hey SE Readers. Joan with you today. This is the sixth and final in a series of posts about character types. The ideas come from my personal …

Character Types: The Helper
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Teaser Tuesday: Dark Mistress vs Wild Beast . . . Sort Of

Cover Art by Alison Hunt

I did the other 5 volumes, so it makes no sense to skip War of Nytefall: Ravenous.  I went with a Mab scene for some action.  Enjoy.

Continue reading

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No Such Luck #NewBook #Romance

Please welcome Staci Troilo today. She’s a dear blogging friend, a tremendous author, and a partner in Story Empire. I’ve learned a lot from her, and…

No Such Luck #NewBook #Romance
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Writing a Zany Series and Making it Work

Excel Saga

Throughout my life, I’ve watched a lot of series.  Most of them have long-winding stories or episodes that connect in some fashion.  It all makes sense by the time the story is done even if only a small portion of the episodes hit the main plot.  Character development or world-building occurred all the time . . . It really taught me how to tell a tale.

Then there are the handful of crazy, off-the-wall series that make you question how many drugs were involved in the creation.  We’re talking:

  • No main plot or none that seem to concern anyone.
  • Physics aren’t a thing.
  • Logic doesn’t exist.
  • Characters may die and then come back like nothing happened.
  • Every episode is its own story because its just random.
  • Making a list of factors becomes impossible because it’s not that kind of series.

The best I can really say is that a zany series is all about comedy.  Even if the main character is series (Police Squad/Naked Gun), the events and dialogue make it clear that you’ve entered a really strange world.  The goal is to laugh more than make sense of the story, which is very fluid.  If you go in too serious then you’re going to get confused and come out hating it.  So, know what you’re getting into as a viewer.

For authors, this takes a surprising amount of skill.  As crazy as this series is, you need some level of cohesiveness to get people coming back.  It could be the characters, the setting, or the mastery of comedy, but you need a long-term hook.  Otherwise, you present a hodgepodge of chaos that will only be popular if people watch it while tripping on drugs or being drunk.  I’ve seen some series and movies where a disclaimer given by the fan is ‘you can’t watch this sober’.  Not sure my liver appreciates that requirement.

It’s difficult to really discuss this in a blog form since comedy is subjective.  I might find these series hilarious while someone else think they’re a waste of time.  This is why they can be such a risk for an author to try.  My ‘Bedlam’ books come close, but I never felt like I could go entirely off the road.  So, there are crazy things that happen for laughs, but the plot is clear and there’s continuity.  Cassidy and Lloyd don’t die at the end of a book then show up alive and unaware of their demise in the next one.

That could be another hallmark of zany series.  There aren’t many consequences and risks because most of what happens is erased between episodes.  It’s rare that a big event will leave a mark.  You might get a new supporting character halfway through, which can result in a new voice that is trying to make sense of things.  Locations change a lot, so world building is always happening.  Some places are used for one episode and never referred to again.  Many set pieces serve their purpose and are cast aside with nobody caring, including the audience.  Feels all random.

What are your thoughts on crazy series?  Do you have any favorites?  Check out a few bizarre intros below if you still aren’t sure what I mean:

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COVER REVEAL! WAR OF NYTEFALL: EULOGY! THE FINAL VOLUME IS COMING!

The title says it all.  Here’s the cover of the final volume of War of Nytefall!

Cover Art by Alison Hunt

Volunteers for a blog tour always appreciated!
Date of release is the first weekend of December!

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Happy Halloween: Classic Videos

Just like every other year, I feel like these need to be on there.  Yeah, I’m not being very original today, but I have a child to take out for candy.  With him a peanut and tree nut allergy, I get a bunch by default.  Silver lining on a really frustrating issue since people don’t always know what counts as a nut.  Nutella has the word in the nut!

I was going to do the shorter version of ‘Thriller’, but I don’t think it has the Vincent Price parts.

Hmmm . . . I think I make a special post later today too.  Have to announce something.

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Happy Halloween Weekend! *crawls back into crypt*

There’s one phrase that kept popping into my head this week:

CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow

Every time I thought I had a handle on things, I’d get tossed another curve ball and go back to juggling.  As far as work goes, I did the best I could and made it to the end of the week with ideas on how to shore up where I was slipping.  Not that I made any big mistakes, but I got a little more disorganized and sloppy for my tastes.  Probably my biggest critic here and all of the oopsies were fixed quickly.  At least the week ended with a day where people walked around in cool costumes.  I didn’t, but some of the students went all out and were great.  Still not sure what some of them were.

My energy wasn’t helped by a big storm earlier in the week and another today.  This weather always saps my strength and makes me drowsy.  Normally, I’d get a good night’s sleep and bounce back.  That worked once, but then I got stressed out over personal stuff and people being assholes.  My oil diffuser that helps me sleep was trying its best, but it has its limits.  Bad dreams, stressed out stomach, and the temperature dropping lower than expected at night was a rough mixture.  I had a few people at work ask if I was doing okay because I looked haggard at a few points.  Mostly, I think I kept zoning out when I didn’t have anything to do.  Thankfully, that wasn’t often.

Writing-wise, I don’t have any news from the weekdays.  I finished outlining War of Nytefall: Eulogy last weekend.  Took breaks to do a massive house cleaning, which is an odd combo.  This coming week will be about the December blog posts and I’ll write/test the blurb next weekend.  I always slow down a bit around this time of year because of the weather change. Luckily, I don’t have much to do.  Teasers and 9 posts to go.  Less if I don’t touch the ‘End of Year’ and ‘New Year Hopes’ ones.  They aren’t book promos, but I might do them now since I don’t see things getting any better.

I might do notebook work at home too.  This is going slow because I’m breaking in a new notebook.  It’s a different size than the last one, which isn’t bad.  It’s just that I got so used to that specific book after years of use, I found that I have some weird habits.  This one can’t be left open like the other because it closes.  Different size means less space, so I have to be more careful with sentences.  I’m also struggling with organizing the ‘Phi Beta Files’ information.  Keep bouncing between long novel or short story collection that tells an overall story.  Also noticed that nearly all female characters are in the villain category, which has me wondering how bad my freshman year of college went as far as interacting with the opposite sex.  Not that present tense is any better.

Not sure what else I have to talk about.  There’s a special post tomorrow after the Halloween one, which I hope people see.  Finished watching ‘Kenichi the Mightiest Disciple’ and dove right into ‘Cowboy Bebop’ to prepare for the live action on November 19th.  Still not sure what to think about the whole thing.  Next week won’t be that exciting since I have work and my son has a bunch of tests.  Lots of studying and working until the weekend.  At least this weekend has Halloween.

Let’s do the list and go find some Reese’s pumpkins:

  1. Help son study for tests.
  2. Sleep better
  3. Succumb to Mother Nature and stop wearing shorts
  4. Continue working on Lego set
  5. December blog posts
  6. ‘War of Nytefall: Eulogy’ blurb
  7. Notebook work
  8. ‘Trigun’ if I finish ‘Cowboy Bebop’
  9. Shake fist at storm that keeps shaking the windows
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Daughter of Monster Maker Fun: Donated by C.S. Boyack & Deby Fredericks #October #Monsters

Yahoo Image Search

Welcome to this year’s final Monster Maker Fun post.  Our first 3 come from the words of C.S. Boyack.

Psionic Beetles

Pure white with a little red around the joints, these insects live on the astral plane where they move in small swarms.  They search for any psychic tethers, which can be connected to dreamers, telepaths, or someone who is simply zoning out.  Psionic beetles will cut the tether and hold onto the part that is connected to the physical plane.  Once the person or animal stirs, they are brought to the physical plane.  Nobody sees them at first as they are ephemeral and need to absorb the ambient energy of the world to become solid.  This changes their color to a black or dark brown.  By the time they have fully integrated with our world, they resemble more mundane beetles and have lost the ability to return to the astral plane.

Leopardoptera

This predatory bird has the spots of a leopard, which helps it blend into the tall grasses of its habitat.  They resemble a crane with an amber plume on the top of their heads.  Clawed feet allow them to tightly grip prey and carry it to high branches where the body is stored for use.  The tree they use is their own territory, which they mark by slashing the trunk with their beak.  Battles of trees are common and many instances of the loser becoming a meal have been witnessed.  Being slender and weak creatures, the Leopardoptera requires a week to recover the strength to fly again if they have prey.  Flying unencumbered, they can travel for one hundred miles without needing rest.  When stuck on the ground, they depend on running to avoid predators until they can reach their tree.  Once there, they climb up using on their legs.

Mooshcoosh

Aside from being an offensive swear word in several cultures, this is also a rather slow-witted creature.  In fact, the word comes from these notoriously dumb beasts that resemble sheep.  The difference is that their soft fleece is smooth and perfect orbs instead of what you see with wool.  Mooshcoosh also have a mushroom growing out of their heads and connected to their brains.  The root system that is running through their brains is why they are so stupid. They will walk off cliffs when distracted by clouds, drown while getting drinks, and have been known to be terrified by their own shadow.  Parents will forget their children right after birth if anything draws their attention away.  This is a constant threat, which is why many organizations exist to take care of the kids before releasing them back into the wild.  All attempts to make them smarter has failed.  Either the Mooshcoosh stays slow-witted or they are killed by the others in a fit of terror.

The next and final 3 are from the words of Deby Fredericks.

Lacrosis

This animal has the name of a disease because that is what people thought it was before they found the truth.  Rapidly damaging flesh, scientists believed it to be a fast-moving virus and tried to treat it.  Some methods worked while others did not, which caused confusion.  It was not until someone inspected the veins of the newly infected that they found it was a small parasite.  While not microscopic, the Lacrosis is small enough to get into the arteries and lodge themselves inside.  They spread their toothless mouths open to catch the blood and quickly processes it to leave useless waste, which results in blackish sweat.  By blocking the flow of blood, they swiftly cause necrosis in an area before burrow out of the artery and moving on to another body part.  The only way to get rid of a Lacrosis is through dialysis, which will also get rid of the eggs.  It takes several sessions and insurance companies are still debating on if this should be covered.

Minimmin

A brown-furred marsupial found in coastal regions, they are small enough to be mistaken for field mice.  It is only when you hold one that you notice the pouch, which is on their back.  This flap of skin is small until they begin putting food and random objects inside to bring to their nest.  Minimmin are surprisingly strong and can carry about one pound in their pouch without being encumbered.  This makes them easier targets for predators, which is why they have a long, whip-like tail.  It is bald and has rough skin, so getting struck is like being hit by sandpaper.  This typically stuns the predator long enough for them to eject whatever is in their pouch.  Minimmin become very flexible in this state and can wriggle away even if clenched in claws or jaws.  When they have a baby inside the pouch, the mother goes into hibernation and depends on the rest of the local colony to feed her in her sleep.

Shorsaka

Worshipped as a local guardian, this bear lives in the deep forests of Tapero.  It has green fur due to all of the plants and moss that it eats.  While its diet is primarily plants, it does eat insects and any small animals it can catch.  The rest of the meat it gets comes from offerings left out by worshippers.  Shorsakas are big and fairly slow, which makes it difficult for them to catch the faster animals of the forest.  They are strong, but have a high level of caution, so they avoid anything perceived as a threat.  Local deer with large horns have been known to drive them off fairly easily and they routinely lose food to wolves and foxes.  The only time a Shorsaka becomes enraged and aggressive is if they see or hear a child is in danger.  Not only their own children, but even those of other species.  This anger leads to a burst of speed and is why they have the reputation of being a guardian.

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