Carla’s Catering: Non-Human Customers Only

Godzilla vs King Kong

Welcome and don’t mind the mess.  We just finished getting an order out for a goblin prom, so there are plucked feathers everywhere.  Chickens?  No, it was all ratites like ostrichs, emus, and one really psychotic kiwi.  You don’t want to know what those will do when they get angry and have been fed nothing but magic potions since it was hatched.  I do apologize if that sounds enticing since we’re all out of that.  Still, we have plenty of stock.  What’s your event?

A monster prom is always a challenge since you have a large variety.  Well, the first question I have is if guests are going to be eating each other.  If that’s allowed then I won’t overestimate the amounts we need to prepare.  Along that line of thinking, we have a strict ‘no eating the help’ rule, which results in extreme punishments.  Basically, the monster who does the eating is put on our menu along with the host that hired us in the first place.  All attempts to get out of this waiver will be met with failure and the catering company’s owner will have to step in.  Do you happen to remember Atlantis?  Yes, that’s what happens if you push us too far.  Now, let’s make the menu.

Let’s get the boring stuff out of the way.  All fruits and vegetables platters are prepared an hour prior to the event.  We will bring our preserved produce to the venue and cut everything up in our catering truck.  Everything is grown in our jungle garden out back, so here is an in-depth list.  As you can see, it’s thirty pages long and you can talk to our gardener to help with the details.  These are always charged by the platter, which can cover ten to twenty guests depending on how many bother with such things.  We also have a special service in regards to our carnivorous dishes.  None of them are big enough to devour anything the size of a goblin or larger, so we can have them placed live in the dining area.  The kids might enjoy a little wrestling for their meal.  This is primarily a dessert service because clothing will probably be ripped.

We can provide an appetizer bar for the first hour of the event, which I know is usually called a cocktail hour.  Due to a misunderstanding, we’re not legally allowed to use the term in our services.  I recommend minimizing the amount of cheese dishes.  Monsters don’t always remember that they have issues with dairy and I’m sure you have some fiery creatures as students.  This is entirely your call, but our experience is that such a combination can end a party quickly.  Shellfish is . . . You don’t have any golems, do you?  Okay then shellfish should be fine and we have everything from shrimp to crab legs to kraken fritters.  Also, one of our top chefs makes a delicious fried human fingers, which are seasoned to imitate mozzarella sticks.  Of course many of our opening and ending dishes are human-made.  They may be delicious themselves, but they know how to open and close a grand meal.  I guess I could flip to the end and check off all the desserts to save us some time.

For a prom, we like to give the students a choice of four entrees that can come with fries, a salad, or steamed sugar roots sprinkled with Patprika.  It’s like paprika, but it’s the ground up organs of people named Pat.  Now, one would traditionally do a meat, poultry, fish, and pasta dish as the choices.  No need for a vegetarian one since these are monsters and those types would have had their fill at the salad stage.  For meat, we have everything ranging from naked mole rat kebabs to blue whale steaks.  Of course, whale isn’t going to be considered a fish since it’s a mammal.  Thought you ran a school.  Yes, we do have the ingredients for a predator stew, which includes lion, tiger, wolf, grizzly bear, and crocodile.  I recommend adding some rattlesnake in there for a kick.  Poultry is the same wide selection, but I will remind you that we’re out of ratite.  Stuffed puffin is a good choice and they come with olives and pickles.  What is it stuffed with?  I assume we can use minced macaw for that.  Fish is . . . swordfish flambe is it then.  You picked that out rather quickly.  Let’s move on to the pasta dish.  Do you want pasta?  Okay then we’ll provide whatever we feel like because it’s rare that a monster will go for a carbs only dish.

I think that covers everything except drinks.  These monsters are underage, so nothing alcoholic even though we have the licenses.  Sodas, water, and teas can be provided as well as coffee later on.  Juices are possible, but we’ll do the same thing we do with the fruit to make sure they’re fresh.  I see you’ve noticed the fountain option.  Pick one of our types of virgin punches to be cycled through the device and guests can drink at their leisure.  Why is it called a virgin punch?  Because we don’t put alcohol in it . . . and some of them do have the blood of virgins.  The best one we have with that ingredient is mixed with a grape soda, which sounds disgusting, but is quite tasty.  I assure you all of our blood sources who claim to be virgins truly are that.  We have them on the honor system as well as wearing permanent rings that will make them violently ill if they try.  Nothing ruins the mood for humans like projectile vomiting.  Now, come this way for the sampler and see if there are any changes that you wish to make.

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Book Promo – Get ‘A Favourite Son’ for 99c/99p on 18th July…

Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog

Book Title: A Favorite Son

Author Name: Uvi Poznansky

Sale dates: 07/18/2018-07/18/2018

Regular price of book: $2.99

Sale price of book: $0.99

Category: Historical Fiction, Literary Fiction

Three ways to describe this book: 

Literary Fiction, Biblical Fiction, Sons and Fathers

Review quotes:

★ She opens the old story to be instead a lively psychological study of family and of greed and longing for paternal love and more. It works spectacularly well.. -Grady Harp, Hall of Fame Reviewer

★ The author, by a masterful use of shifting tenses, creates an illusion that the story has happened both long time ago and in the present at the same time; which gives this story a new definition of “Timeless.” . -Oleg Medvedkov, Top 500 reviewer


This tale is modern twist on an old tale: Jacob and his mother are plotting together against the elderly father Isaac, who is lying…

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This Week in Indie Publishing

Author Don Massenzio

If Your Protagonist is a Person of Color Your Book Cover Might Get Whitewashed

If Your Protagonist is a Person of Color Your Book Cover Might Get WhitewashedThe old phrase is that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but if that were true a significant chunk of the marketing industry wouldn’t exist. We absolutely judge books by their covers, and when it’s a question of the race of your main characters, there’s a good chance that people of color are going to get whitewashed. How likely is that? Is there anything you can do about it? Let’s explore the ins and outs of the subject.

Author Control of Book Covers
It’s important to know that in the major publishers an author has virtually no say about the cover image of his or her book. Even someone as famous and established as Anne Rice has thrown up her hands and declared herself powerless when fans complained about the cover of Prince Lestat. There…

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Teaser Tuesday: The Paura Rider #fantasy #99cents

Cover Art by Sean Harrington

Quest of the Brokenhearted is still 99 cents for a few weeks.  *hint hint wink wink*  I want to bring out this excerpt because of the monster involved.  The Paura Riders were something I designed in high school, so it’s great to see them last so long and end up in a published work.  Enjoy.

Continue reading

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Tortured Soul Available for Preorder

Staci Troilo

Tortured Soul coverBittersweet. That’s the only way I can describe it. I’m proud to have completed the final installment of the Medici Protectorate series, but I love this world so much, I’m sorry to see it end.

Tortured Soul is the fourth novel in the series. It follows the final member of the Brotherhood (Roberto “Coz” Cozza) and the youngest Medici descendant (Antonia “Toni” Notaro) as they prepare to fight the ultimate battle between good and evil.

The Notaros want nothing to do with their legacy or the power at their disposal. The Brotherhood wants only to keep them safe. And the evil mastermind and the nefarious organization he represents want to use the Medici lineage in their quest for world domination—or kill the girls and their protectors for standing in the way. This fast-paced, emotional journey wraps up in a dramatic way. If you like passion, intrigue, and international mystery…

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Uniqueness vs. Productivity in Writing

Nicholas C. Rossis

Paula Hicks | From the blog of Nicholas C. Rossis, author of science fiction, the Pearseus epic fantasy series and children's bookThis is a guest post by Paula Hicks. Paula is an experienced journalist from Romania. She currently lives in the US and works as a freelance editor for a number of educational resources. Her big dream is to open a publishing house in Europe. Connect with her on Twitter.

Does Every Writer Have a Specific Trait that Differs Them from the Rest?

Whenever you’re trying to find tips on how to be a better writer, you hear this one: be unique!

It sounds logical. If, for example, you’re trying to reduce the bounce rate on your blog, producing unique content may be a solution. You have to be different from all other bloggers, so the audience will recognize your style and will want more of it.

The Problem with Uniqueness

Writing with time constraints | From the blog of Nicholas C. Rossis, author of science fiction, the Pearseus epic fantasy series and children's book“Stay unique” is an important advice for a novelist or a blogger. When you’re a freelance writer or a…

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When Your Characters are Monsters


In most stories, monsters are nothing more than deadly obstacles that have to be overcome to continue on.  They typically don’t have lines, much in the way of personality, or a very long lifespan.  Monsters earn attention by how deadly and scary they are as well as how uniquely powered they are.  They can range from standards like goblins to amazingly strange like the Paura Riders, but they are still nothing more than obstacles for the heroes to defeat.

The exception is usually when a monster is the main villain, but these tend to fall into humanoid categories.  You have your vampires, demons, liches, and other beings that still look rather human.  Even if the final battle is against a true monster, there’s a humanoid somewhere around to be the one who drives more of the action.  For example, in the original ‘Clash of the Titans’, the Kraken was the major threat that had to be defeated to save the princess.  Yet, the action is driven more by Calibos the son of Thetis.  It’s because we connect more with the humanoid villains and the true monsters tend to be written as primal.

Quest of the Brokenhearted posed a problem for me because I couldn’t have too many humanoids.  Kira Grasdon, Roland Gauntlier, and Rayne felt like it should be the limit.  The Shadow Earl is humanoid in appearance even though he’s a demon, so I have to admit that I couldn’t get myself away from the main villain issue.  It was within the supporting cast that I tried to take monsters and flush things out.  Honestly, I don’t think I was nearly as successful as I would have liked.  Princess Cyrena is a harpy and Hyde is a gremlin, which are monster types.  Yet, they act fairly human, which is more than many of the champions can say.  Although, there is one ‘primal’ champion that came out surprisingly human in my opinion.

I found that the best I could do is find a balance between human and monster.  This went beyond the physical and to how they functioned.  These monsters had cultures and habits that worked for their people while demonstrating a sense of civility because they were in a city.  Early on, it felt like they had been tamed, which wasn’t where I wanted to go.  It was more that they had found a way to live that didn’t involve the wilderness and dealing with adventurers.  Lacarsis acted like a haven for the monsters who wished to be more than the savage creatures of Windemere.  The best way I was able to portray this was by having Kira be confused about what she found.  Her social stumbles helped to give me a sense of how these monster characters could function like those who are humanoid.

Of course, I had to limit the types of monsters because some were too difficult to turn into full supporting characters.  Lack of communication ability was an issue, but I think I got through with one who used body language.  It also had to make sense that the monster was more civilized.  Harpies, demons, and gremlins were possible, but anything that was very animalistic in nature was a hard sell.  I wanted Lacarsis to run like a regular city, which meant I needed various roles that requires certain abilities.  Can’t really have a merchant that eats all the customers and make it a come off as a city that maintains any level of law and order.

I do hate that this idea had so many limits, but that is probably my fault.  After all, the main character is still a human, which means I maintained a human perspective.  A story that has all monsters would probably make this shift a greater possibility.  Maybe I’ll try that down the road and this is the first step.

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