9:45

Posted on August 21, 2013 by Charles Yallowitz

This is an Ionia Martin and Charles Yallowitz production:

9:45

Ionia:  Hey, Charles? I had something to do tomorrow at 9:45, but I can’t remember what it was…

Charles:  9:45?  That does sound familiar?

Ionia:  Didn’t you say you had something to do at nine-forty-five as well?

Charles:  That’s right.  I had that thing at nine colon forty-five.  It’s an important thing.

Ionia:  Colon? At 9:45? Is it something medical? Getting older is hell…

Charles:  Possibly.  Do you remember anything about what you have at 9:45?

Ionia:  I don’t but it is just at the edge of me brain…uhm was it…9:44? No that was before 9:45. ..

Charles:  It’s certainly not 9:46 because that’s after 9:45.  Does your brain need a tune up?

Ionia:  I think getting another year older seems to have frozen the cogs a bit. Okay, so we both have something to do at 9:45 but technically yours will be done at 6:45 and mine will be done at 12:45 because we are opposites?

Charles:  Ye . . . no.  I think I’m at 9:45 EST and you’re at 9:45 PST, which is 12:45 my time.  So, you should be going in as I’m coming out.  Time zones are such a pain.

Ionia:  Well don’t get PST off at me. I told you my cogs were frozerated

Charles:  Maybe your cogs are going to be thawed at 9:45.

Ionia:  Okay so what you are saying is that these things we have to do that we can’t remember what it is we are doing are going to take place around 9:45 tomorrow. It will be nine forty five with a three hour differential meaning when I rise at six forty five you will have already seen 9:45 and when I go in at 9:45 it will already be noon:45 there, no? Makes perfect sense.

Charles:  Makes perfect sense to me.  It’s always 9:45 somewhere, I guess.  Though not the 9:45’s that we’re talking about.

Ionia:  Two piña coladas one for each time zone. Hey, good luck at 9:45

Charles:  I’ve got the celebratory frozen yogurt.  Enjoy and good luck with your 9:45 too.

Ionia:  What should we call this post? How about  9:45

Charles:  I have it as 9:45 right now.  Scheduling it for 9:45 tonight.  I’m also writing ‘This is an Ionia Martin and Charles Yallowitz production:’ at the beginning.

Ionia:  Charles, would you stop fucking saying 9:45 every one knows it is forty five minutes after nine…or is it a quarter to ten? Or forty-five past nine…or….. 9:45 :(

Charles:  I have to keep saying 9:45.  Otherwise, people might not get the importance. Also, I might forget it.

Ionia:  Charles?

Charles:  Ionia? 9:45?

Ionia:  9:45

Charles:  Oh!  nine FORTY five.  I get it now.

Ionia:  Okay, I think we’re good lol

Charles:  At least until 9:45.

Ionia:  Alway9s have to ha:ve the las4t wor5d

Charles:  2h:6?

Ionia:  9:45. 🙉

Charles:  Fine.  We’ll call it a draw.  Rematch at 9:45?

Ionia:  👅  On the dot.  One more thing…

Charles:  Yes?

Ionia:  Noodle

Charles:  Bubble butt

Ionia:  Only at 9:45

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Tight Soak

Posted on August 21, 2013 by Charles Yallowitz

The muscle aches begin
So I drug my gut
And drown it in hot tea
Still the pain ensues
Drastic measures
Needing to calm down
A warm bath
With comedy on my phone

Son of a beyotch!
This tub is terrible
My feet are on the wall
I’m a whale in a puddle
Cannot even move
Forced to soak and stare
Until the pain subsides

9:45

Posted in Poems | Tagged , , , | 17 Comments

Family in Fantasy

Posted on August 21, 2013 by Charles Yallowitz
Tinkerbell and Friends

Tinkerbell and Friends

Family.

It’s a strange topic that doesn’t get brought a lot in Fantasy discussions.  Sure, you talk about the family of characters in a book that deals with political intrigue and revenge killings.  Yet, you still talk about them as a character and not the actual dynamic of that family.  Sibling rivalry gets brought up as a plot device, but you rarely see the rest of the family and the rivalry tends to be in full swing by the time the reader arrives.  So, what do you do if you want to include family without it being a rivalry or all politics?

For some authors, you go with incest.  I’ll get that out of the way and leave it here where it won’t be touched on again.

You can make two characters related and have them act like family members.  Siblings will squabble, but back each other up.  Older family members will be protective and some arguing about being overprotective can occur.  Realize that the sibling rivalry and hatred between family members that can be used a major conflict is an exaggeration of the normal versions.  Tone it down to a point where the characters aren’t out to kill each other and it can work for character development.

One can realize that there are other types of families too, especially in fantasy.  Here are some examples:

  1. Friends as Family–  A common one is having your main characters bond to a point where they are practically family.  They can even call each other brother and sister while showcasing the interactions typically found in families.  Teasing, arguing, friendly rivalries, and other small side events can cement the bond between your characters.
  2. The Clan or Tribe–  Used a lot with gypsies and barbarian and non-human species, this is really the idea of a close extended family.  People are blood related in these groups, but there are other characters that are not related by blood.  Those non-blood related are still treated like family, which is key for this.  Now, this is easier to use when the clan or tribe are the focal point.  If they are merely the grouping that the character came from then you use it to color that character’s social aptitude.  They may be scared of outsiders or amazingly accepting of everyone.  It depends on the culture you make for the clan or tribe.
  3. Build Your Own–  This is for you necromancers and mad scientists.  It isn’t unheard of for a villain to work with a ‘family’ of resurrected ancestors or constructs.  An anti-hero can use this too, but we’ll focus on villain.  Remember that villains can have families and some might be inclined to kill and rebuild their actual family.  It’s straightforward and the main villain can show any level of insanity that he or she wants toward their non-quite-living relations.
  4. Orphan–  Honorable mention since it’s been done a lot and you don’t need me to explain it.

A key point in writing with family involved, but not central is that you let them act naturally.  Don’t force the family thing down the throat of the reader.  They’ll figure it out when you have the characters call each other by familial names (mom, dad, sis, bro, etc.) and if they act naturally.  You don’t have to be over the top with this.  An occasional overprotective act or defiance can get you further than ‘I hate you, brother, and I’ll kill you with this magic sword’ scenes.

Some examples that just came to me:  Fullmetal Alchemist (us against the world bond), The Ranger’s Apprentice (Halt & Will are not related, but their bond is amazingly well-written), and The Wiggin children of Ender’s Game (rivalry and love).

Posted in Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , | 43 Comments

33 Signs You’re Getting Older

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Charles Yallowitz

Dearest Ionia.  I tried to be nice and now I’m going to do this to tease you.  Though, I did the honorable thing and asked permission first:

From Yahoo Image Search
From Yahoo Image Search
  1. When drinking in public, you hear people yell ‘Chug it, Grannie!’
  2. When driving, your tits can be used to hit the pedals.
  3. Your favorite pair of shoes is older than your average Pop Star.
  4. People no longer tell you to act your age.
  5. The words ‘things were cheaper back when I was younger’ spring from your mouth.
  6. New technology confuses and scares you, but you’re going to try to use it anyway.
  7. You have enough stories to entertain people for hours.  Damned if you can remember any of them.
  8. There are wrinkles in places that will never be seen by the public eye.
  9. You roll out of bed and your tits stay under the covers.
  10. The ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ commercial makes you nervous.  Did they ever save the woman?
  11. Your kids look at you like you’re insane . . . because you are.
  12. The songs you grew up with are being covered and the youngsters think they’re the originals.
  13. Gas is a constant thought in your mind.  Not the kind for your car.
  14. New swears words have to be explained.  The ‘I’m British’ excuse no longer works.
  15. You squeeze into your sexiest, tightest dress.  Wake up in the ER after passing out from asphyxiation.
  16. ‘Must be jelly because jam don’t shake like that’ isn’t being said about your bum.
  17. You came upstairs for something.  Not sure what.  Must not have been important . . . show up to supermarket without pants.
  18. You spend an entire drive around town pointing out places where things ‘used to be’.
  19. You’ve had to take a nap by the time you get to this number.
  20. The library no longer has many of the books that you remember getting there as a child.
  21. Having sex in the back of a movie theater makes creaking noises . . . not from the chair.  Get your hip oiled.
  22. If you hear ‘it’s not the age, it’s the mileage’ one more time, you’re going to hit someone with your walker.
  23. Considering how classy you would look with a cane.
  24. You remember the names the original Pokemon even though you never played it, watched the show, or cared about it in any way.
  25. You call younger people sweetie and dear.
  26. You call older people by name and secretly thank them for existing.
  27. Your nightmare about getting shorter is coming true.  There is a small ladder in every room of the house.
  28. You look through photo albums and don’t recognize most of the people you see, including your mother.
  29. Your list of enemies is longer than your list of friends.  Both lists mention that you have to buy eggs and milk.
  30. You grew up with video games.  Claim retirement to avoid embarrassing yourself with the Kinect.
  31. When walking by a construction site, workers tell you to get out of the way of the hot chick next to you.  Hot chick is really a cute guy with long hair
  32. You know for a fact that Simpsons did it and they did it better.
  33. Your judgement is terrible!  Look at the friends you have.  Charles?  Bradley?  Susan?  Julian?  Katie & D?  What in the world were you thinking?

In the end, I’ll always be older and taller than you, Ionia.  Seems I can’t be entirely mean on these things.  Happy birthday and I love you, breast (thanks, autocorrect) friend.

9:45

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Why You shouldn’t check your Sales figures every minute

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Ionia Froment

Buy my books, I know where you live!

So, if you are an indie author then you are probably like me…A short little Jewish guy with a love for pizza and a tendency to fart in public and blame it on his wife. I mean, you are probably paranoid about whether or not your book is selling copies. Let me tell you why you should ignore those numbers as often as possible…allow me to walk you through my day….

6:30 a.m. : Get one eye open, other closes again. Get other eye open, opposite eye closes again. Rub both eyes, repeat until both stay open. First thought: I wonder how my sales figures look this morning. Second thought, I need to pee. third thought, I will pee after I check my sales figures.

7:00 a.m. Hop on one foot waiting for Amazon’s KDP dashboard to load so I can see my numbers. Really need to Pee.

7:10 Realized after checking numbers I should have peed first, now all bathrooms in the house are occupied and I really, really need to pee.

7:30 Having finally peed, stumble down the stairs, hook foot in railing while looking at phone checking sales figures. Stumble, tumble land and crumble but I never dropped my phone!

7:31 celebrate ability to still walk while also checking sales figures from phone.

8:00 a.m. Text message from Ionia “Good Morning, Charles. How are things?”

8:45 a.m. Finally get around to answering Io after nearly forgetting due to  checking sales figures.

8:46 Another text from Ionia. “Charles, stop checking your fucking numbers. You aren’t supposed to be stressing.”

9:46 Answer text message an hour later…”Uhm I was biking…not looking at my numbers…”

9:46 “Don’t lie to me, arsehole.”

9:47-12:00  Pretend to get work done and take care of toddler while consistently checking sales figures. Nearly have a heart attack when the amazon screen comes up with a glitch and my numbers disappear for a second. Call Ionia and whine while she bitches about her day.

12-2:00 Remind myself that my sales numbers will still be there when I am done using the bathro….oh, never mind this phone is a mini computer.

2:01 Drop phone in toilet on accident. Freak out until 2:02.

2:03 Reach in and pluck out phone. Dry off with hair dryer.

2:10 Make test call to Ionia.

2:11 Silently giggle when best friend says “Charles, WTF–you sound like you are under water.” She has no idea how true that is…

2:30-5:00 Hide in basement as much as possible while looking to see if George Martin has knocked me off another list while killing yet another of his characters. Write Martin hate post..George–not Ionia.

5:00 -7:00–Check sales figures, make vodka sauce, dream about pizza, check sales figures, almost lose phone in vodka sauce, wonder if battery will last through dinner.

8:00 Give toddler a bath, while checking sales figures…suddenly become paranoid about all basins full of water. Check sales figures.

9:00 Try to watch TV while texting Ionia about sales figures. Text fails. Email Ionia about Sales figures. Send squirrel meme by text. Instant response. See a pattern…ignore it as slip in sales figures. Back to being ignored.

10:00–check sales figures while quietly raiding the freezer for frozen yogurt. Find some in carton. Smile. Walk away, Head back to basement.

10:02 “Oh Fuck!” Race back upstairs and rescue iphone from freezer.

11:00 “Ionia, I’m sleepy.”

11:01 “Go to bed, Charles.”

Three hours later, after checking sales figures 5,197 more times.

2:01 a.m. “I’m getting sleepy, Ionia.” (Finger hovering over button to check sales figures.)

2:02 a.m. “Seriously Charles, go to bed already…Bloody hell.”

2:03 a.m. “Okay, have a good night. Talk to you in the morning.”

3:03 a.m. Incoming message. “Honestly, I know you are still looking at the numbers. Go to Fucking SLEEEP!”

3:04—considers pretending didn’t get message…realises this is imessage and she got a delivery confirmation. Settles for “Yes, goddess.” Swears he can hear her snicker all the way from Nevada…oh, never mind, actually can because I video called her on accident with my butt cheek. She may never forgive me for getting undressed for bed before this.

3:30 Finally settles in to go to sleep, after one last check.

3:31 Check sales figures

3:32 Check sales figures

3:33 Check sales figures

……

4:45 Check sales figures…..

6:29….Check sales figures

 

 

Love you, Charles                                                                9:45, buddy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Guest Blogging | Tagged , , , , , | 46 Comments

New Header

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Charles Yallowitz

Check out my new header from Dean of Dean’z Doodlez:

By Dean

By Dean

Jealous?  You can get one from him too.  He’s taking commissions now.

Posted in Spotlight | Tagged , , , , , | 18 Comments

Scrapbook Party

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Charles Yallowitz

An interview with Scrapbook Muse by Briana Vedsted

100_6585

So, what is “scrapbooking”?

Simply put, scrapbooking is putting beautiful, fun paper, photos, and memorabilia together to tell a story.Think of it as enhancing your photos.  They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  What if you don’t know what those words are.  Scrapbooking allows you to remember all the stories, jokes, heartfelt moments, and everyday life, and share the memories with family and friends.  Imagine looking at a photo from someone else’s life.  The photo by itself may give you some hints.  Now if the photo were scrapbooked, the story behind the photo would also become clear.  Scrapbooking is a fun way to share and remember your story for years to come.

And what in the world is Memory Works?

I like to call Memory Works the Mary Kay of the scrapbooking world.   Memory Works carries scrapbooking products from all the big names (Fancy Pants, Pink Paislee and BoBunny, to name a few), as well as their own line called Simple Stories.  Memory Works also offers a monthly kit subscription for $29.95 (plus shipping, handling, and sales tax).  Each themed kit is packed with coordinated papers and embellishments from different brand name companies.

100_6944In addition, Memory Works offers a Hostess Incentive.  This is a free gift to the party hostess can earn if the party results in an order of $150.00 (before tax).  I like to offer this as well if there is either a single order from a customer of $150, or if there is a group of customers, though not necessarily at a party, that order enough supplies to meet to required minimum.  The incentive changes every month and can be anything scrapbooking related, from a collection of patterned papers to a stamp set to a few specific items from a brand name collection.

Is scrapbooking hard to do?

Scrapbooking should be fun, so no, it’s not hard to do.  If you find you’re having difficulty, take a step back.  See where you’re getting stuck.  Are you trying to re-create a technique or layout and it’s not coming together?  Do you not understand the terminology?  Take me for example.  I know thismuch about knitting and crocheting.  Now I know the terms knit and perl.  Did I spell them right?  No idea.  Can I tell you what they mean?  Nope, sorry.  I learned a lot of the terms from magazines and websites.  And for me, it clicked.  I kept wanting more and more.  So it shouldn’t be hard.  Again, if you’re running into trouble, try to pinpoint what exactly is giving you pause.  Sometimes you need clarification, or to just tell yourself there are no mistakes.  I really enjoy it and I’m always learning something new, so there’s no limit to what you can create.  I’ve found if you love it, you stick with it and your style evolves from there.

Do you have some examples of what scrapbooking is?

Absolutely.  These are some recent layouts (a layout is 1-2 scrapbook pages).  I have lots more on my blog with close up detail photos and info on supplies and techniques I used.

Can someone teach me how to scrapbook?100_7631

Absolutely, there’s lots of options.  Now, I must confess, I learned by doing.  I never took a class, nor did I know anyone else who scrapbooked.  Heck, I had just learned about it myself.  So I went to my nearest bookstore and bought some scrapbooking magazines.  Then after reading them and devouring them (figuratively speaking, of course), I went to my local craft store and bought some supplies (careful, this hobby is addicting!  in a good way :D).  And I started scrapping!.

However, if my journey sounds scary, you can take a class.  These can be offered anywhere from a religious/spiritual center, your local craft store (big box and small business), library, school, historical society.  If you know someone who is a scrapbooker (the majority of which are women, but there are some VERY talented men out there), you can ask them to teach a class, or just teach you!  There are also numerous blogs online whose author post videos for certain techniques, etc.  And, being in the age of YouTube, there are blogs, magazines, and individual people who have a channel which you can view and/or subscribe to.  One benefit to individual scrapbookers is that they teach techniques that you may not otherwise comes across.  And they give you lots of inspiration and ideas.

Where can I get scrapbooking supplies?

In a sense, anywhere.  However, just because you CAN get it anywhere doesn’t mean you SHOULD.  Office supplies, arts and crafts stores, big chain stores, and local scrapbooking/stamping stores; all of them carry supplies.  I’ve actually found that the big box crafts stores by me do carry some of what I need, but not most of what I’m looking for.  You can also go the online route, which opens up the possibilities tremendously.

Big box general retailers are limited in what they carry because they’re general retailers.  So, see what they carry, check the prices, and think if you’ll actually use it.  Don’t get lured by the clearance sticker of half off and pay $5 for a border punch that you’ll never use.   This is why if you can, purchase your supplies from a crafts store, a scrapbooking store if possible.  If you live out in the middle of nowhere, so to speak, your best options are probably online shopping or a consultant for a scrapbooking supplies company (yes, shameless self-promotion, I had to do a little :P)

I live in the United States, do you know anyone who I could send my pictures to for them to design a scrapbook for me, because I’m just to busy to do it myself right now.

Why, yes I do *wink, wink.*  I am happy to design a scrapbook, mini album, etc. for you.  My prices are simple and really reasonable.  I do not want any screaming wallets, thank you 😛  You can look at my blog, myscrapmuseis.wordpress.com, to check out my prices, and e-mail me at tracy . carrig @ gmail . com to get the whole party started (just delete the spaces before hitting send)!

 

100_8376 - EditedWhat is your favorite thing to make?

So far, layouts, either one of two pages.  I just finished a two-page layout for my little person’s first birthday.  I’ve start making cards, which I sell on my Etsy shop, called ScrapMusings.  And I’m starting to get into altered art, mixed media, and mini albums.  I’m loving getting messy, and I love layers.

I want to find out more about this art called scrapbooking! Show me more! Are you online? Twitter? Facebook? Pinterest? Got a blog?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.  Here’s my stuff:

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ScrapMuse (ScrapMuse)

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Scrap-Musings/141917992518574  (or search for Tracy Carrig (you should see a pic of me and my munchkin))

Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/ScrapbookMuse/boards/ (or look up Tracy Carrig / ScrapbookMuse, or you can just find me from Briana’s page ;P)

Etsy: http://www.etsy.com/shop/ScrapMusings (shop name: ScrapMusings)

Blog: myscrapmuseis.wordpress.com

 

 

Thanks to Briana for setting this up and hosting my interview.  And thank you to everyone else who hosts and/or reads my interview.  I hope to see and talk to you all soon!  Happy scrapping!

Posted in Guest Blogging | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Now Open For Business!

Posted on August 19, 2013 by Charles Yallowitz

Want a header or logo for you blog? Look no further!

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Calling All Artists! Calling All Artists!

Posted on August 19, 2013 by Charles Yallowitz
Calling All Artists!

Calling All Artists!

Do I have your attention?

I’m writing to let all authors, poets, musicians, painters, and any artist types that I forgot!

The Community Storyboard is a new and exciting blog where you can submit your work and have it showcased.  You can get important feedback and make friends with other artists.  Aside from submissions, we are going to be doing a few prompts and weekly themes that you can use for some spontaneous creations.

We’re all friendly people there and want this to become a blog where all artists can come for support and fun.  Being an artist is a tough road, so let’s try to unite and travel down it as a community

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Hazy Sight

Posted on August 19, 2013 by Charles Yallowitz

We Drink Because We’re Poets Monday Prompt

Heather 1902 by Sahm King

Heather 1902 by Sahm King

I see edges blur
As if the world is fading
Yet I am the ghost

9:45

Posted in Poems | Tagged , , , , | 12 Comments