ROUS
Dungeon Master– Time to get my lair ready. What do we have on the list?
Contractor– You wanted to order some monsters. Got the list right here.
DM– Excellent. Let’s start with the entrance.
Contractor– I have some gargoyles on sale. Maybe a multi-headed dog from hell or even a griffin.
DM– Giant spiders. Really big ones with poison. Is it venom? Have them be as big as a small child.
Contractor– Okay. Confusing final order, but I’ve got it.
DM– First hallway should have large rats. Wait, that’s been done before. How about large caterpillars?
Contractor– Sure . . . How big are we talking?
DM– I’d say the size of a that table. We should put some plants in here for them to eat. I don’t want them devouring my tapestries.
Contractor– If that’s a concern, I wouldn’t go with caterpillars.
DM– The inner gardens should have giant ocelots, large rabbits, huge bees, enormous skunks, and a single gigantic cobra. Here is a list of sizes.
Contractor– I’m noticing a theme. I should point out that we don’t carry dire version of every animal. These may take some time. When are those heroes coming?
DM– Next week . . . Oh, I have a lake too. Get me a giant octopus and a few giant sharks to put in there.
Contractor– Those are saltwater creatures. Lakes are freshwater. Even if they could survive in there, they’d eat each other.
DM– Can you provide saltwater?
Contractor– No.
DM– In that case, I will go with large . . . frogs. They need to be big enough to eat full grown men. Try to get the colorful ones that are poisonous.
Contractor– Sure, but I’m think I should warn you about the risk of using large animals only. Unlike monsters, they require a lot more mundane maintenance. They don’t feed off magic like dragons, hydras, and unicorns. They will eat each other.
DM– I don’t follow.
Contractor– Most of your defenses will make lunch of itself before your enemies arrive.
DM– We need birds above the lair. Giant gulls would be perfect. Those things eat everything, including my chips whenever I go to the beach. Maybe a bunch of large owls for the night. Can we get a dire condor?
Contractor– I can get you a bunch of rocs.
DM– Don’t be silly. Those are related to eagles. Condors are a type of vulture.
Contractor– Now, you know what you’re talking about. Fine. I get paid no matter how much of a disaster this is. Anything else?
DM– I’ll have several giants lions, a giant giraffe, two giant moose for the backyard, a giant tapir, a small army of large platypuses, a giant giant panda, and . . . I think a few giant penguins would work.
Contractor– I’ll get to work on the procurements.
DM– Oh, I need one more thing.
Contractor– What?
DM– A giant amoeba.
Contractor– A giant . . . amoeba. Something that is typically microscopic . . . But giant.
DM– Yes.
Contractor– Not a slime?
DM– Heaven’s no.
Contractor– It has to be an amoeba.
DM– Yes.
Contractor– I see . . . Well . . . I quit.
Legends of Windemere 