ROUS
Dungeon Master– Time to get my lair ready. What do we have on the list?
Contractor– You wanted to order some monsters. Got the list right here.
DM– Excellent. Let’s start with the entrance.
Contractor– I have some gargoyles on sale. Maybe a multi-headed dog from hell or even a griffin.
DM– Giant spiders. Really big ones with poison. Is it venom? Have them be as big as a small child.
Contractor– Okay. Confusing final order, but I’ve got it.
DM– First hallway should have large rats. Wait, that’s been done before. How about large caterpillars?
Contractor– Sure . . . How big are we talking?
DM– I’d say the size of a that table. We should put some plants in here for them to eat. I don’t want them devouring my tapestries.
Contractor– If that’s a concern, I wouldn’t go with caterpillars.
DM– The inner gardens should have giant ocelots, large rabbits, huge bees, enormous skunks, and a single gigantic cobra. Here is a list of sizes.
Contractor– I’m noticing a theme. I should point out that we don’t carry dire version of every animal. These may take some time. When are those heroes coming?
DM– Next week . . . Oh, I have a lake too. Get me a giant octopus and a few giant sharks to put in there.
Contractor– Those are saltwater creatures. Lakes are freshwater. Even if they could survive in there, they’d eat each other.
DM– Can you provide saltwater?
Contractor– No.
DM– In that case, I will go with large . . . frogs. They need to be big enough to eat full grown men. Try to get the colorful ones that are poisonous.
Contractor– Sure, but I’m think I should warn you about the risk of using large animals only. Unlike monsters, they require a lot more mundane maintenance. They don’t feed off magic like dragons, hydras, and unicorns. They will eat each other.
DM– I don’t follow.
Contractor– Most of your defenses will make lunch of itself before your enemies arrive.
DM– We need birds above the lair. Giant gulls would be perfect. Those things eat everything, including my chips whenever I go to the beach. Maybe a bunch of large owls for the night. Can we get a dire condor?
Contractor– I can get you a bunch of rocs.
DM– Don’t be silly. Those are related to eagles. Condors are a type of vulture.
Contractor– Now, you know what you’re talking about. Fine. I get paid no matter how much of a disaster this is. Anything else?
DM– I’ll have several giants lions, a giant giraffe, two giant moose for the backyard, a giant tapir, a small army of large platypuses, a giant giant panda, and . . . I think a few giant penguins would work.
Contractor– I’ll get to work on the procurements.
DM– Oh, I need one more thing.
Contractor– What?
DM– A giant amoeba.
Contractor– A giant . . . amoeba. Something that is typically microscopic . . . But giant.
DM– Yes.
Contractor– Not a slime?
DM– Heaven’s no.
Contractor– It has to be an amoeba.
DM– Yes.
Contractor– I see . . . Well . . . I quit.
Legends of Windemere 
Oooo, a giant amoeba! I like that!
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The real question is if it’s still a one-called animal. If not, is it still an amoeba?
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It’s definitely one cell, one GIGANTIC cell!
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Probably should’ve quit at the frogs! 😀
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Dungeons always have to be over the top.
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No kidding. I liked how you mentioned what the creatures need to eat. You don’t even consider that as adventurers, really; not till you’re the one being eaten as a result.
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It’s one of those things that you try not to think about. Once you do, most large dungeon monsters make even less sense.
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Maybe they warp in from another plane, activated by the heroes’ entry.
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Ha ha ha. This was great.
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Thanks.
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Excellent!!! So the moral of the story is these creatures will eat each other unless you prepare the environment well. All I have to add is, “Let them fight.”
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Feels like a waste of money. A hero will arrive and you’ll only have a single, fat dire chicken left.
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😅 😂
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Of course I think of the Legend of Zelda dungeons which have the weird creatures. I hope patrons get offered some decent swords and bombs.
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Ganon is a regular customer.
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Dang, maybe you can cut a deal with the rabbit’s agent from Holy Grail. He has been out of work for a while.
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His rates are too high. Fame went to his head, which is still in orbit due to the holy hand grenade.
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And we all thought a three-headed dog would be scary enough!
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Throw two sticks in opposite directions. Side heads try to go, get snapped back, and all three bonk each other. Easy win.
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😂😂😂
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Thanks.
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