Burger Joint from Heaven (A Dialogue)

Terry-  So, you’ve been across the street from here all this time and you never ate here?

Gil-  It never crossed my mind and now I have company.  Thought it was only an organic burger joint.

Terry-  It’s the burger joint from fucking heaven.  Look at the meat list.

Gil-  Chicken, turkey, veggie, and beef, I assume.

Terry-  Stop reading the beer menu and look at the meat.

Gil-  Did you really have to say that out loud?

Terry-  Yes.  Look at it.

Gil-  Fine . . . what the . . . wild boar?  Elk?  Ostrich?

Terry-  You forgot the lamb.

Gil-  Fuck the lamb.  I want wild boar.

Terry-  I’ve been wanting to try ostrich for years.

Waitress-  Can I help you?

Gil- We’re still deciding on the type of meat.

Waitress-  Well, the list goes onto the back.

*turn over the lists*

Terry-  Can we have a few minutes?

Waitress-  Of course.  *walks away*

Gil- How the fuck did they get elephant meat?  Is that even legal?

Terry-  It’s organic, so I assume it died of natural causes.  Is there enough meat on a cobra to make a decent burger?

Gil-  Maybe a slider or two.  Wait.  We can get sliders and try more than one type.  I can make an African platter with the zebra, giraffe, and . . . I’m torn between gnu and gazelle.

Terry- Gazelle.  You see those get eaten more on animal shows, so they must be tastier.

Gil- Good point.  What about you?

Terry-  I’m thinking of going predator.  Feel like the top of the food chain.  Grizzly bear, dingo, and anaconda.

Gil-  I wouldn’t go that route on your stomach.  Predator meet can be tough.  Remember when you ate alligator and you were sick for a week?

Terry-  True.  Maybe buy American?  Alaska moose, California sea lion, and prairie dog.

Gil-  Good move.  What’s the pricing on those?

Terry-  It’s . . . think they take kidneys?  We each have two.

Waitress-  Are you ready to order?

Gil-  I’ll have the wild boar with lettuce, pickles, habanero mayo, and bacon.  Medium cooked.

Terry-  I’ll have the ostrich with pickles, tomato, spicy mayo, and bacon.  Medium cooked.

Waitress-  You two know how to make burgers.  Simple is the best way to go.

Gil & Terry-  Thanks.

*waitress walks away*

Waitress whispering to the cook-  It’s always fun to listen to customers go over the joke menu.  They never see the words ‘not a real menu’ at the bottom.  I love this job.

(In honor of me trying an ostrich burger for the first time yesterday.  Thanks, Greg.)

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No Magic Pasties of Protection! And How to Avoid Rusty Blades.

I think one of the issues with fantasy can be summed up with this video from Collegehumor on Youtube:

I shouldn’t even have to say this, but people don’t always think in practicality when it comes to character protection.  NEVER give a female warrior a chainmail bikini as armor.  A bizarre medieval beauty pageant?  Maybe.  Warrior woman version of lingerie or a specific fetish for your world?  Go right ahead. But actual bikini armor is ridiculous and you might as well put her in a dress or naked for all the help a metal studded thong will do.  Remember that the key point of armor is protection and not to look sexy.  Maybe you can get away with sexy leather armor, but you don’t mess around once you go chainmail or higher on the protection food chain.  A bare midriff with platemail is a way of saying ‘this character will be stabbed in the stomach’.  Oh and no magic tassels or pasties of protection for EITHER gender!

Remember mobility with armor too.  No high-flying stunts in platemail unless it’s magically enchanted to specifically allow for that.  If you want a character to be flexible and agile then you need leather or something that is bendable.  Know the limitations that come with your armor or you’re going to lose the reader.

That small rant brings me to a small point of fantasy that doesn’t get much attention: Gear Maintenance.  I’m only going to go over a few points here that can be seen as pet peeves, but they really are important.

Dents and Dings

As I said, armor and shields are designed to protect.  That means they’re taking hits and getting damaged.  If your hero has armor on and isn’t getting hit then you’re doing combat wrong.  Even without some protection this situation is rather iffy. After a while, the polish wears off and the armor should look like it’s seen better days.  Shields can be broken and replaced if hit too often or too hard.  For example, I have a character who uses a wooden buckler and he’s already gone through a few of them over the course of a book.  These things were designed to take hits and get some wear and tear, so put that into your story.

Here is a quick list of what can happen to armor and shields:  dents, dings, cuts, holes, punctures, splintering, slashes, gashes, tears, and whatever else is a type of damage to a surface.

What do you do when the armor is dented or the shield is broken?  There’s a person in fantasy settings that is used specifically for this.  He or she is called a blacksmith and all you have to do is have a character say ‘I’m going to the blacksmith to get my armor fixed’ or ‘I’m going to the blacksmith to buy a new shield’.  You don’t even have to write the scene.  Have the warrior leave, focus on the others for a bit, and then have him/her return with repaired gear.  A simple ‘look at my new stuff’ line and you’re golden.

Clean Your Sword

Whetstone (Yahoo Image Search)

Whetstone (Yahoo Image Search)

The above picture is a whetstone, which is used to sharpen a blade that is going dull or is nicked from use.  Swords get nicks and gouges in their blades when striking anything.  If it is not taken care of then the weapon will shatter at the worst possible moment.  That moment would be in battle when you prefer to keep your vitals non-punctured.  A whetstone and sword oil is very easy to include.  After a battle, have your warriors sitting around a campfire and write ONE sentence about them sharpening their blade.  Examine it for nicks and issues then you’ve done your part.  The hero’s blade has now been fixed and maintained to add a little more reality to them.  You can always overlook this by having time pass, but there is one thing that irks me.  I’m probably guilty of it too without realizing it.

CLEAN YOUR BLADE!  There’s a scene in ‘The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe’ where Aslan tells Peter to clean his blade after killing a wolf.  The comedy of the scene in the movie is that the blade was already immaculate, but it’s Disney so shut up.  I’ve read and seen a lot of scenes where the hero stabs someone with their sword.  Then they sheathe the blade without cleaning it.  I always want to yell ‘No! Clean your blade!  Use a rag, your glove, the face of your slain enemy! Anything!’  The reasons for this is simple.  Blades can rust and dried blood is disgusting.  Even worse is the idea that the sheathe is now coated in blood, which will erode the blade.  Easy way to fix this is to have your character carry a rag and clean it.  You don’t even have to do it a lot.  Set up the habit in the beginning of the story and then people will assume that the hero does it later on, so you don’t have to write it.

Those are some helpful armor and maintenance tips.  Hopefully they help and remember . . . chicks in chainmail only work for a calendar spread.  In battle, they’re about as useful as curvy scarecrows.

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Character Poem: Aedyn Karwyn

AedynFlats

Noble priest of Durag
Worshiping the light of life
Calm against the storm
Caused by his loyal friends
Wisdom is his gift to them
With healing spells and touch
Be wary of this peaceful priest
His demeanor hides his strength
For undead are ants before his eyes
That can blaze with the blessing
Of Windemere’s sun

Legends of Windemere: Prodigy of Rainbow Tower Coming July 31st!!!!

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Book review: “Legends of Windemere: Beginning of a Hero” by Charles Yallowitz

A review of Beginning of a Hero by Sknicholls.

S.K. Nicholls's avatarS.K. Nicholls

Hero Cover Final

Book cover art by Jason Pedersen 

To my readers:  As you know from my book reviews, I am trying to broaden my horizons by reading more outside my genre of Fiction>Drama, and Murder Mystery.  I joined a book club for this reason, but this month they are reading “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins and that was a bit heavy for me.  I have been pleasantly and delightfully entertained by Charles Yallowitz on his blog, Legends of Windemere, so I decided to read and review his book “Beginning of a Hero” instead.

 

The “Beginning of a Hero” presents the compelling and intriguing story arc of the Legends of Windemere series.  The Prologue of this book was shocking to me.  I don’t often read fantasy but love fantasy movies.  It was gripping and horrific.  I almost had to set the book down because I had a very visceral reaction to…

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Sneak Peek: Comedy on the L’Dandrin River

Luke smiles before vaulting over the railing to the deck below. He sees that Nimby and Fritz are already waiting on the escape raft. Luke takes a cautious step onto the simple craft and signals for the sailors to start lowering them into the river. His stomach lurches almost immediately after the current starts to pull the raft towards the wreck. A hard gulp keeps Luke from throwing up and he takes one of the long poles that were strapped to the floor. Fritz steers with the rudder while Luke and Nimby stand ready to push them to safety with the long poles. A simple shove is all it takes for them to keep the raft a safe distance away from the muddy coast.

“Keep up the good work, guys,” Fritz says as the raft comes around the side of the River Scout. “The current is on our side, so we should be there in a minute.”

“This is just what I needed after Hero’s Gate. I can finally stretch my legs and get some abandoned loot,” Nimby announces, his face beaming.

“I think I’m going to vomit,” Luke groans. He leans over the edge of the raft, putting his face a few inches from the water. Luke’s face is drenched as the water suddenly rises up to hit him.

“You’re helpless on the water, Luke. After all this time, I would have thought that your stomach would have adapted to the motion of the river,” Nimby claims. He pushes the raft away from a tree with all of his strength. “Have you been taking the ginger pills?”

“Yes, but this kind of travel is a lot rougher when on a small raft. How close are-” starts Luke.

Luke tumbles into the water as the raft is suddenly washed against the capsized ship. He splashes about and sputters while his friends go about securing the raft. A heavy stone with a chain tied around it is quickly shoved into the water. The other end of the chain is securely fastened to a bolt on the side of the craft, which Luke grabs before the current can drag him under the wreck. Fritz takes his time picking up the oil bags and Nimby helps him hop to the shipwreck. They carefully climb their way to the hole in the side of the shipwreck and are about to enter when they stop for a second as if they forgot something.

“What happened to Luke?” Nimby asks, looking around.

“I thought he went on ahead as soon as we landed,” Fritz replies, adjusting the oil bags on his back.

“I don’t think he went ahead of us,” the halfling contends.

Fritz scratches his head and sighs. “I stopped the raft, tossed over the anchor, and he was gone when I turned back around. He usually leaps in without waiting for the rest of us. Still, he would normally say something.”

“True. I wonder where he went,” Nimby nervously mutters.

“He could have fallen off the raft because nobody warned him that we would be hitting the broken ship,” grumbles a voice from behind them.

“I doubt that, Fritz,” Nimby says with a friendly laugh. “Luke is too agile to fall off the raft. He might be a little sick right now, but that would just be embarrassing for him to tumble into the water because of a minor jostle.”

“I didn’t suggest that scenario,” Fritz admits.

“I did,” Luke growls. Both of them turn around to see the half-elf standing behind them on the raft. He is drenched and looking very angry. Nimby gulps while Fritz tries hard not to laugh.

“We’re sorry,” they say together.

“I’m sure you are,” Luke snaps, joining them on the wreck. “I want both of you to prepare the ship for burning while I will search the ship for survivors. Maybe I can find a clue as to what happened here. Captain Higgs thinks it might have been an attack.”

Fritz nods and makes a swift salute. “We’ll call for you when we’re ready. Myilia told me that I have to set up a path of oil to this hole. This way we can light it and not have to run out of the ship.”

Three feet of cold water meets them when they drop through the hole into a room fringed with dense shadows. Scraps of wood and various articles of clothing are floating on the surface of the still water. All of them feel the slight incline of the room as they wade their way to the door. The hallway is even darker than the room with no torches or lanterns to provide light. As their eyes adjust, they can see a few pale bodies floating facedown in the water at the lower end of the hallway. Luke is about to light a torch when Fritz pinches his leg. The gnome points at his nose in order to get Luke to sniff the air.

“I smell oil,” Luke whispers.

“Does this mean we should light it up and leave now?” Nimby asks, disappointed that his looting was stopped.

“We should check the ship for survivors just in case,” Luke says, letting his eyes adjust to the gloom of the hallway. “You two go back out to the raft and move it away in case the oil ignites by accident. Only one of us should stay in here because it will be very hard for us to escape in a group. I want to be able to get out of here as soon as possible if things go wrong.”

Fritz begins throwing the oil bags out of the ship. “Why do you have to go?”

Luke sighs as he turns to his friends. “There are many reasons. Most importantly, I don’t need a rope to get through that hole in the hull like you two. Just get moving and I will tell you the others later.”

“I hate it when he uses our height against us,” Nimby grumbles. He uncoils a rope from his shoulder and ties on a grapnel. With little effort, the halfling throws and hooks the grapnel to the hall.

Nimby and Fritz head back to the raft as Luke makes his way down the watery hall. The smell of oil becomes stronger as he reaches the far end of the ship. He gingerly moves around one of the bodies before stumbling away from a quick moving form hiding underneath the corpse. The river shark disappears into another room as Luke allows his heart to calm down. He bends down to examine the body and finds that the sailor’s tight face is stuck in a horrified scream.

“That’s strange. It looks like he was paralyzed and then he drowned where he stood without putting up a fight,” Luke whispers, standing up and scanning the hallway. “Captain Higgs was right. This was an attack.”

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All For One by Bryan Adams, Sting, and Rod Stewart

Forgot this one, which is important for several personal reasons.

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Leaving You Entertained

I’m going to be in NYC tomorrow, so I might only be checking comments and testing out my iPhone.  Depends on wi-fi, the day’s activities, sobriety, the heat, and the avoidance of police.  I’ll get my usual morning check done and schedule posts before I sleep.  So, I’m going to put a few music videos that I’ve been listening to all week:

Enjoy your Friday!

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The Impossible (and the Possible) Quest

An amazing and insightful opinion on unique stories and if it’s possible to write something that hasn’t been done.

The Eye-Dancers's avatarEye-Dancers

I’ll never forget him.  His name was John.  I really didn’t know him all that well, but he was a fellow English major back when I went to college, and he shared several of the same classes with me.  John was passionate about writing, creating, coming up with something new.

“That’s what I want, more than anything,” he said to me one crisp fall day as we exited our class on Victorian literature.  It was the kind of clean, fresh, fragrant western New York October afternoon that makes your eyes water, the air is so pure.   “To come up with something different, something no one’s ever written before.  Some completely new idea!”

original

 

 

I shrugged, smiled.  He had expressed this to me (and anyone who would listen) before.  I had never really responded, though–until now . . .

“You know,” I said.  “I think, maybe, you’re…

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Character Poem: Luke Callindor

 

Born to fame
Trained a warrior
Heir to a legacy of legends
Yet greener than the grass
Handsome and skilled
As best a youngling can be
Replacing experience with courage
Immature and bold
Doing the unthinkable
As if daring death
To take him from this world

Legends of Windemere: Prodigy of Rainbow Tower Coming July 31st!!!!

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So That’s What Book 5 is About?

I’ve mentioned a few times that The Compass Key has had more battles than the other 4 books of Legends of Windemere combined.  It’s been worrisome because it feels like it isn’t me, but it works for the story.  I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out how it came to this.  All the converging rivalries and subplots?  The big kickoff to the major plot of the series?  Well, Nyx said something in the scene I’m writing that struck me as the core of this book:

“I’m tired of all this fighting.  Is this all that being a champion is about?”

This led to a question a character will ask in a later scene:

“Is a champion the person or the powers?”

It is a very good question and one that will have to be explored.  I strive for character-driven stories, so this quest for identity among the 6 champions is going to be important to their growth.  Nyx has already investigated it and it’s starting to dawn on Luke, so I’m heading in that direction.  It might not even be the same answer for each of the heroes.

Another issue I’ve found here is that the 3 male characters are starting to merge.  Nyx is going to be bringing this up to one of them.  They are all showing the key traits of each other and becoming the same type.  They’re supposed to be divided by reckless, wise, and patient, but each one has demonstrated the trait of the other.  What happened here while I was writing?  I wasn’t sure until I considered the following:

  1. The villains have thrown away subtlety and are simply pounding at the heroes.  This has forced them to react more than think, which is why everyone is having Luke moments.
  2. Friends do take on the positive traits of each other if the situation allows it.  So, it isn’t too odd for Luke to act wise and Timoran to act reckless since they’ve been together for a while.  The constant combat is making it happen quicker.
  3. Most importantly: Sari has been separated from the others for the entire book.  I see now why she’s so much more than the flirty, happy thief.  She keeps the other characters true to themselves.  Sari is quick to point out when someone isn’t acting ‘right’ and do something about it.  The characters have truly suffered without her, so she’s going to have some work to do when she returns.

That’s all the revelations I’ve had today on my own book.  Amazing what can happen when a character acts a single question out of nowhere.

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