Smaug

Have too much money for a wallet, piggy bank, mattress, or mundane safe?  Then you’ve come to the right place.  Our expert contractors can creature the treasure vault of your dreams.  If not your dreams then those of your favorite fantasy author.  You don’t even have to worry about location because we can put these babies under any structure with nobody knowing.  Well, we do have to let certain bureaucrats know because there’s the usual licensing and codes that we have to be aware of.  Not to mention the utilities that we have to bypass.

You must be wondering how we do this.  Well, our tunnels are attached to a magic door that you can hide in your home.  Only those that you give permission to can see it and even then you need to know how to open it to the right area.  Otherwise, you end up going to wherever the creator has decided as the wrong path.  Now, our tunnels run through a side dimension that is only half an inch away from our own.  So, you can use them to pass through the sewers, earth, and gas lines that might be in the way.  We do have to avoid anything electrical because that can cross over.  Anyway, that’s the simple explanation, so let’s get started.

The door does have to fit in your home, so nothing fifty feet tall unless you want to put it on the side of a building.  Those are nearly impossible to hide because these do become visible to all for the few seconds that they are open.  We have hatches, double doors, single doors, roll ups, and revolving.  While we don’t get a call for them, we even have those revolving bar doors that you tend to find at amusement parks.  Not the most natural things for inside and it limits the guardians you can use due to potential escapes, but the option is there.  As far as how to open it, that is up to you.  Same goes for the wrong path result, which you can discuss with our resident Geographer.  Do keep in mind that people will see these open in thin air, so we recommend avoiding heavy traffic locations.

Now for the real fun.  The treasury can be any size that you want, but we recommend planning for expansion.  Building down instead of out is the best option if you feel that you are going to amass more wealth.  This can be a circular tower that we continue building upon or a labyrinth that is similar to ant tunnels.  Our construction team uses the finest materials, which means this can be rather pricey if it gets much bigger.  Although, you probably don’t care about these prices if you’re here in the first place.  We have a sale on columned chambers, which is buy three floors and get the fourth free.  This package also comes with two traps that go in columns of your choice.  Our catalog ranges from simple poison darts to a mist that turns intruders into golden coins.  Do be careful with that one because touching them within twenty-four hours can transfer the curse.  We also have reports of the coins bleeding, so you don’t want to use them.

Since I mentioned it, we can get into the greater variety of . . . Oh, out there is our guardian breeding facility.  It doubles as a zoo of magical creatures, which helps to pay for much of the upkeep.  We can talk about it from here since you have a perfect view.  We ask that you designate one room or floor for each guardian.  It depends on the size since a ghostly knight will be fine with a closet, but one of our dragons needs a lot more space.  You will be responsible for food, veterinary bills, and all necessary licenses since these count as exotic beasts.  Even the zombies must be registered because they can cause an outbreak and that results in a full incineration of the area.  Good question about flying beasts.  They are useful in certain rooms, but they don’t live for very long unless they’re the kind that goes into slumbers.  We typically recommend them for flying treasure hoards, but we’re having some issues with cloud production now.  I know I made it sound like our people can only go down, but I didn’t want to get your hopes up.  Goblins?  Yes, we have those and you can buy them in bulk.

As usual, we can go over the details in the back since we have the general idea.  Not leaving that flying treasure hoard alone, huh?  Look, we can put you on a list and contact you once the option is available again.  There will be a small transfer fee and your entire package might not be compatible.  It’s up to you if you want to take the risk.  What’s that report about air travel?  Well, we also have a problem with airplanes passing through treasure hoards with enough speed to make contact.  No crashes yet, but the money inside suddenly appears within the plane.  Hard to get your money back when it magically appears within the cabin of a moving plane.  Sorry . . . no refunds.