I had to wake up at 4 AM to drive some people to the airport.  This is going on top of a few long times to minimize the damage caused by lots of delays and errands.  Probably should have stuck to sleep.  Anyway, I did come home with enough time to crawl back into bed and make up the difference.  Just kidding.  I only crawled back into bed and did my usual 40-60 minutes of tossing and turning before passing out.  Not much help since there’s a reason I can’t sleep in:

The face of mischief

He didn’t have the lightsaber, but I was woken up by him crawling into the bed.  It wasn’t the movement that really got me to stir.  It was my wife talking at full volume about how they have to be quiet because daddy was up early and needed to get more sleep.  Heart was in the right place, I guess.  Still, you don’t have a lengthy, loud discussion about letting someone sleep while the person in question is a foot away and currently being used as a seat by one of the debaters.  Needless to say, I’m off what little game I have.

Not that this week was a good one.  I’m actually cautious about posting about it.  As some people know, I’ve been trying to shrug off ‘the blues’ since last October.  Maybe even earlier.  I hate to call it a depression since I’ve never been diagnosed.  It does run in the family, so it wouldn’t be surprising.  Stress hits and I fall into this pit where I can’t drag myself out.  When I do, I get struck down again by another setback that’s beyond my control.  I try to use what little good cheer I have for my characters, but Legends of Windemere has hit the dark patch.  I’ll get more into that later.  This might be why I’m so resistant to give up on Crossing Bedlam even though it isn’t selling.  The books are fun to write with characters that tend to be upbeat and make me smile.  Tossing it aside feels like it would be the equivalent of murdering one of the few rainbows I have in a dark life.

Here is where people may rush to the comments to give a pep talk or tell me why I should be happy.  I’m actually going to ask that you not do that.  Please comment, but the pep talks have a funny reaction.  I’m going to see if I can explain this well.  The advice actually frustrates me because I’ve heard stuff like it before.  Many times, people will tell me why I should be happy in a way that makes me think they weren’t really listening.  That’s part of it though.  Somebody simply listening and then talking about another aspect of the post or showing interest in something I do works better.  Sounds strange, but I think I’ve gotten so used to people mistaking my funks for immaturity or a cry for pity that I can’t see certain reactions as anything more than condensation.  That’s probably not the intent, but ‘the blues’ that I find myself in don’t really work off rational thinking.  Half the time, I can’t even pinpoint the exact cause of it.  For example, a common thing with me is that I’ll feel blue when grocery shopping alone.  Just hits me without warning and doesn’t go away until I get home.

Honestly, people who suffer from depression are very misunderstood.  One reason is because the term is used with such casualness that it’s lost its weight.  This is why I’m always resistant to use it.  People will say they’re depressed when they’re simply sad, so a person who truly suffers from depression will be seen in the same light.  It also garners the same reactions that can make them feel worse.  Never tell a person who is depressed about those who are in worse positions because it minimizes their suffering and makes them feel worse.  Again, it could be as easy as listening to them talk about it or showing interest in something they love.  I’m not a psychologist, so don’t take what I’m saying as fact.  I only know what works for me.

So . . . That took up more words than I expected.  I have the house to myself during the day for most of the week, but I’m also the only cook here.  Supposed to snow tomorrow too, which means shoveling.  I don’t think I’ll finish Book 13 before my son starts his Easter Break on Thursday.  I might be given a day to write or have to use night to get the final chapter or two done.  This book is rough because it has a really high body count and list of returning characters.  Basically, the Baron’s remaining agents have declared full war on the champions and have put targets on all of their friends and family.  It’s all about pain, suffering, and holding onto that spark of hope to see you through to the end.  So all of that probably isn’t helping me.  Because of a big loss at the end of Book 12, the characters are rather jumpy too.  They hit highs and lows pretty easily because their foundation has been broken.

So, what are my goals?

1. At least come close to finishing Ritual of the Lost Lamb.
2. Examine character list for Chasing Bedlam.  Plan on outlining all of April since the kid has the last week off.  Not enough time to write a full book.
3. Activities for his break.  Zoos, Easter eggs, movies, etc.
4. Cook dinners.
5. Vacuum house.
6. Pick up people at airport when they get in.
7. Start thinking of the May release of Tribe of the Snow Tiger.  Jason and I have been discussing the cover idea.  He has something really cool planned.
8. Biking if I feel up to it.  The blues have made that more difficult.

Now the music video that nobody will listen to because TRADITION!  (Really, Pandora?)