WALL-E, 2008. ©Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures/courtesy Everett Collection
Come on in and take a look around. We have every type of robot that you can imagine thanks to our top engineers. First of all, I must inform you that we only deal in robots and lack the licensing to provide cybernetics. The difference is that one involves the combination of flesh and technology while the other is entirely tech. To become a cyborg, you will have to go to our sister store, which is called Sammy’s Cyborg-O-Rama. It’s two towns over. Now, how can we help you?
Yes, we can design a bodyguard and assistant for the elderly. Not sure why you need the first part, but that’s not my place to ask about. We are only allowed the weaponry one would find in the local police armory, so nothing that is solely military. What about the death rays? Have you seen what the police are carrying here? I guess the only thing we can’t do is nuclear and biological weaponry. For a bodyguard, you don’t need more than a few well-placed guns and a sensor system. I recommend our latest body heat scanner, which has a 359 degree area. It won’t help against reptiles, fish, amphibians, and insects, but I’m sure you’re more concerned with humans. A back-up visual scanner connected to a company satellite can help if you’re worried. Here is our basic protection package with a body designed for speed and durability. This way, your robot can take damage and intercept dangers. Strength is higher than an average human, but any more would slow it down. Besides, the guns you’re picking will be more important. Okay, I’ll put the hand clamps as exchangeable parts and the death beam will go in the left palm. The mouth? You don’t want that because accidents tend to happen when the robot talks.
Here is a book that shows all of the domestic skills we can program into your robot. It depends on if you want a maid, butler, chef, chauffeur, or even a general caretaker. If your father is in a wheelchair then I recommend our nurse model. It comes with a skin that makes her look human, which is soothing and reduces stress. People of a certain age might get upset if their memory goes and they see a machine walking around. The robotic nurse has a diagnostic system and a prehensile tail that holds all of the necessary equipment. This covers basic checkup and emergency situations. The tail will remain retracted at the base of the spine until needed. Here is a list of radio systems that we can include and have her play to help keep your father calm. It can double as a sonic attack if she pumps the volume high enough. Finally, we have a pill dispenser and a connected phone that only calls the pharmacy to make a refill. Oh, I should put an x-ray mode in her eyes to be safe. Just in case there’s a fall.
Transportation comes up a lot, but I don’t know what you would want. Your robot is for protection and healthcare, so there’s no reason to give it a jetpack or wings. There are a few transformation packages that are pricey, but will work for your father. We have the usual car choices thanks to our deals with various companies. They are all powered by the solar, bi0-fuel, and carbon dioxide fueling systems that we have created here. Anything bigger than a car? There’s a psychedelic van as well as a few novelty vehicles. All version of the Ecto-1, the Mystery Machine, the Batcopter, the Spider-Bugey, and the Fozzie Bear Studebaker. Okay . . . Why do so many people take the Fozzie Bear one?
That’s all the main stuff. For the details, you can follow me to the back. Please don’t step on any of the cables because we don’t want our robotic overlords to be angered or have a blackout. That’s a little humor we have here. Wire coming out of my neck? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
You were on your way home when you died.
