Final Examples of Types of Humor

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash Hi SEers. John is back with you again. Happy New Year to you all.  Last week I  gave you some humor examples from …

Final Examples of Types of Humor
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Legends of Windemere Paperbacks and eBooks Available!

All Cover Art by Jason Pedersen

For this month, I’m going to use Tuesdays to do a promo for the paperbacks.  There are still eBooks though.  Fingers crossed that I get a few sales of both during the start of this year.

First up, we have Legends of Windemere.  The series that started it all and established Windemere.  Everything I write in this world will connect to this series in some way.  It could be a location, cameo, or concept.  You can still read future stories without this one, but it’s nice to have a series that can set a foundation.  Enjoy a teaser from Beginning of a Hero and then check out the series.

*****

Visindor Forest remains at peace as it has every morning for centuries. Birds sing and shimmering pixies play tag in the warm sunlight. Glistening droplets of dew cover the leaves and grass as animals venture from their homes. A low grunt echoes throughout the wilderness, causing all other sounds to stop for a few seconds. The grunt returns minutes later, but it is too far away to scare the timid forest creatures. It is a landscape of serenity that painters strive to capture.

No place is more peaceful than where a tumbling brook cascades into a deep lake. It is an isolated area where slender naiads bathe and a herd of red-hide deer drink. The only sound that does not fit with the rest of the morning stirrings comes from the lakeshore. This constant, steady grinding noise catches the attention of several pixies, who cautiously approach the lone swordsman. They soon realize they have nothing to fear as the youth smells like the forest and emits an aura of calm. Instinctually, the pixies know he is trained in the ways of the wild and would never hurt them. It is the adult noble shepherd curled by the smoking remains of a fire that makes the tiny creatures nervous. The pixies tiptoe through the air, trying to get a closer look at the youth without disturbing the dog. They are within a few feet of the swordsman when the dog stirs and barks, shattering the morning peace.

“You sleep through the call of a dread boar, but sneaking pixies wake you?” the young warrior asks, patting the beast on the rump. In response, the stubborn dog barks louder at the pixies. “Calm down, Stiletto. They don’t mean any harm. Grandpa said pixies never attack unless their soul tree is threatened. So be careful where you relieve yourself.”

The young warrior’s face and body show few signs of battle or harsh traveling. The pieces of leather armor on his forearms and torso are as smooth and pristine as the day they were crafted. The youth’s dirty face is handsome with none of the scars or stress lines one would expect to find on a wandering warrior. Even his dark blond hair is well groomed, which is incredibly rare among adventurers. Most people would think he was new to the road, but his boots tell a different tale. Once high-grade leather with silver embroidery, they are beaten shadows of their former glory. Dried mud covers much of the leather and only flecks of silver remain of what must have been an intricate pattern. To say these boots were well-used would be an understatement.

Getting tired of the noise, the young man puts down his twin sabers and tosses a piece of dried meat to the dog. A blue pixie lands on one of the youth’s pointy ears and walks around his cheek to inspect his face. It gently wipes at a smudge of dirt on his nose. With a giggle, the tiny creature returns to its friends, who are hiding behind the wide leaf of an oak. They rejoin the larger group of pixies that are playing a game of tag through the trees.

“Now, this is the freedom we were meant to have,” the young warrior happily declares. “Beats being stuck home and not seeing anything beyond Haven’s borders. Right, Stiletto?”

The swordsman goes back to sharpening his blades, taking some time to buff the smooth ruby embedded in the pommel of each weapon. Tucking the rag into his belt, the youth makes a final inspection of the beautiful blades. He stops abruptly and sheathes the sabers with a muttered curse.

“Who the hell am I kidding? This isn’t what I want at all!” he explodes in sudden frustration. “We left home six months ago and I haven’t done anything heroic yet. All of my ancestors were great heroes of Windemere, so why should I be any different? The bards make adventuring seem so glamorous and easy, but there is so much competition. All these mercenaries and experienced heroes keep beating me to the big jobs. They get to fight demons, Weapon Dragons, and trolls while I’m left with scraps. All I want is to go down in history as a great hero who saved some part of Windemere. Not some pathetic slayer of nuisances like skeletons and rabid goblins. Is it so wrong to want to be as great as your ancestors?”

The dog rolls its eyes as if it has heard this rant many times before.

“Don’t start! All I’ve done so far is stop goblin raids and minor undead from destroying nearby farms. Look at me! I haven’t even been touched, so people don’t believe I’ve even been in a fight. I know I’m helping people, but I need something bigger. The dangers around here are far too easy to defeat,” the half-elf complains, pacing between two maple trees. “Look, Stiletto, we both know I’m highly skilled and that nothing frightens me. At least, nothing I’ve seen so far. Still, I didn’t run when I faced my first zombie or my first orc, which has to count for something. When do I get to prove to all of Windemere that I have what it takes to be a great hero?” He stops pacing and stares at the morning sky. “I’m fed up doing small jobs. Today, I’m going to find an actual adventure and start on my path to being a hero. Are you with me, Stiletto?”

The young man bends down to pat the dog on the head while Stiletto chews on the piece of dried meat. “Lots of help you are. The least you can do is stop eating while I talk. It was a good rant too.”

The snap of a twig catches the young man’s attention and he whirls around with both sabers drawn.

CONTINUED IN BEGINNING OF A HERO

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The Last Drive Blog Tour with Pete Springer

Today is the kick-off of The Last Drive tour. I’m so pleased to be with Pete today. You can visit his post HERE. We have been following each other …

The Last Drive Blog Tour with Pete Springer
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#5 of 2022: The Flamingo Post!

(It’s that time of year where I repost the Top 5 of the previous year.  Always fun to see which posts got the most attention.  As usual, I only picked from the ones that were posted for the first time last year.  Older posts still get a lot of attention.  Now, let’s get to the fun with #5, which was posted on May 29, 2022.)

So, today is the National Pink Flamingo Day, which is about these guys:

Not Real Flamingos

I thought it would be more interesting to do a post about the real thing.  After all, flamingos are one of the most identifiable and popular birds around.  Their pink coloration, long necks, and how they stand on one leg are practically iconic in the animal kingdom.  They’re also filter feeders and eat by straining food from mud, which involves eating with their heads upside down.  Really cool.

Also, none of the 6 species are endangered.  That means, we can dive right into the pictures (all found with Google Image Search) and videos.

Greater Flamingo

This is the Greater Flamingo, which has the greatest range.  It’s also the largest. They’re found in Africa, Southern Europe, and South/Southwest Asia.

Lesser Flamingo

The Lesser Flamingo is found in Sub-Saharan Africa and western India.  These are actually the smallest flamingo species.

Chilean Flamingo

Found in South America, the Chilean Flamingo is considered near threatened.  This is because they live in salt lagoons and soda lakes, which are at risk of pollution.  Some have been introduced to the Netherlands.

James’s Flamingo

The James’s Flamingo has more yellow in its beak than other species.  The live in the higher altitude plateaus of the Andes like in Peru and Bolivia.  They were thought to be extinct until a colony was found in 1956.

Andean Flamingo

The Andean Flamingo is closely related to the James’s Flamingo.  They live in the same region too.  You can see in the pictures that they differ in beak color.  This one also has a deeper mandible than other species.  Mining has made this species vulnerable.

American Flamingo

The American or Caribbean Flamingo is the only one that inhabits North America, but it isn’t exclusive to the continent.  It can be found in the Caribbean, Florida, Belize, Colombia, Brazil, and Venezula.

Here’s an informative video to learn more:

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The Last Drive Tour Begins

Click for Amazon If you are looking for the Top Ten Things Not to Do post here normally, I hope I don’t disappoint you. It is time to do recognition …

The Last Drive Tour Begins
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Plan for 2023

Google Image Search

Sitting here trying to think of the best way to do this post.  Kind of tired and had a little to drink.  Looked back at last year and it was just a list.  Was maybe half successful due to what happened in 2022.  The publishing stuff really didn’t pan out.  Let’s hope we do better this time around.

  1. Write at least 2 more Tales of the Slumberlord books.
  2. Try to start publishing Tales of the Slumberlord series.  Depends on editing speed and cover art situation.
  3. Help my son do great in school.
  4. Keep having fun at work.
  5. Maintain eating fruit for work lunch instead of junk food.
  6. Reduce fast food intake.
  7. Try to increase water intake, but it has improved.
  8. Take more time to relax and refocus.
  9. Puzzles!
  10. Finish the notebook stage of ‘Phi Beta Files’.
  11. Father/son trip during the summer.  Not sure where.
  12. See ‘The Super Mario Movie’ for my birthday.
  13. Get back into a real exercise regime.
  14. Hopefully some of these add up to me losing weight.
  15. *left open for anything the appears later*
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Last Goal Post of 2022

Geez . . . This was a whirlwind week.  I think.  Might have just been the last few days that fostered some mayhem.  So, how did things go?

It was Holiday Break, which meant I didn’t have work.  At least the teaching job because I tried to put my author hat back on.  My goal was to get the first 5 chapters of Darwin & the Demon Game done.  It looks like I’m only going to get 4.25 done before I have to go back to work.  Not bad, especially since I might still be able to get the chapter count up to 6 next weekend.  That would complete 1/3 of the entire book as long as I don’t delete or add any chapters.  Not looking possible considering how much I combed over the outline and already do some merges, deletions, and additions.  Spent a whole weekend examining the outline, so I’m confident there.

I’m not entirely confident on some other things.  A subplot popped up out of nowhere within chapter 2 and 3.  I always intended for this character to slowly change and become more ‘human’.  It’s an affect that I established why back in Legends of Windemere when it came to demons.  This isn’t a spoiler.  The bizarre thing is that the change intended up happening almost immediately upon Darwin and this demon meeting up.  I thought it was iffy, but then the demon started questioning why he is actually stranger than usual.  I kind of want to see how this plays out because I know there’s a big scene that explains this even though I haven’t decided on the details yet.  My confidence is shaky here because I can’t tell if this is genius or it’s being caused by imagination rust.

With my friends being busy during Christmas, I didn’t do more than writing and re-watching ‘My Hero Academia’.  Didn’t even leave the house since it was freezing cold and stores weren’t really open.  Made sure to get some lunches to make at home and had a lot of hot chocolate to keep me warm.

Things were working pretty well until Wednesday when the insulation guys showed up and I had to leave my room.  They weren’t the issue really.  I still got some writing done before heading out to do errands.  One of my son’s Nintendo Switch controllers broke and I needed to get some heavy cream for vodka sauce.  Didn’t realize those two things would require a lot of driving.  The controller was sold out at Walmart and Target, so I had to go to a mall (return day) to get to a Gamestop.  I was lucky that they had a pre-owned.  The heavy cream was just as bad with nothing at Walmart, Target, Stop & Shop, and Lidl.  I finally found some at Stew Leonard’s and then grabbed Taco Bell to head home.  By the time I ate and rested, I was barely able to get more writing done.  I only got one more section done and that was it because my son was back Thursday morning.

I thought I could get some writing done if my son was doing other things, but it’s a big ‘father/son’ activity period.  We watched the first Raimi ‘Spider-Man’ and keep playing video games.  Got a bunch of Legos to build too.  We also went to something called Lumino City:

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That was a spontaneous thing that I managed to get tickets for.  I had around 140 pictures, which I put on Facebook.  It was cold, but a lot of fun.  Grabbed donuts on the way home and that was the end of day one of the ‘father/son’ part of the break.  Jammed a lot into it, which is why I’m tired.

There is much else planned for the break since it’s still cold out.  During the writing of this post, the speakers of my laptop are starting to crack really badly.  Part of me wondered if moving it to the downstairs to work might have caused an issue.  It’s been sitting on my computer acting like a desktop for years.  Good thing I can’t afford a new one.  I probably should have tried to get one during Black Friday, but this laptop worked fine beyond not being able to close without breaking the casing.  Writing time might be delayed more if this gets worse.  2022 is really trying to get a final blow in, huh?

Given that I go back to work on Tuesday, I’m not going to come up with much in the way of plans.  It’ll be the first full week of 2023.  I don’t expect there to be any major changes beyond getting back into the working habits for me and school habits for my son.  Let’s just allow everything to be a surprise.

Goals of the week:

  1. Enjoy rest of the break with my son.
  2. Get some writing done.
  3. Get some blogging done.
  4. Get back into work schedule.
  5. Hopefully don’t have to get a new laptop.
  6. Get a good amount of sleep.
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Good-bye 2022!

Google Image Search

I know we have one more day, but it’s a Saturday.  I’m not giving up my usual goal post just because this ‘meh’ year is ending.  So . . .

Good-bye, 2022!  Please let the door hit you on the way out.

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Poetry Day: Day of Darkness

Yahoo Image Search

(In Windemere, there is a day where it is eternal night.  For 24 hours, there is no sunlight and undead are stronger.  Those born on this day are thought to have a powerful destiny, which can be either good or bad.  Of course, I had to do a poem on this event.)

*****

A full day
Of endless night
Covering
The entire world
As the four moons
Led by Vir
The red moon
Of purest evil
Suffocate the sun

Shadows
Once benign
Become pits of terror
As creatures
Of the breathing
And the breathless
Fearful of sun’s light
Gather
Their evil courage

Zombies stalk
The foolhardy wanderers
While Liches cast
Their spells and rituals
Demons
Summoned from
The chaotic void
Prepare to dine
On all they find

Few venture forth
And brave the day
Those that do
Are one of two
Some are brave
And overcome the darkness
Others are less able
Luckless fools
With a lack of sense

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Questions 3: How Was 2022?

Looney Tunes!

Well, I talked about my 2022 this past Monday.  So . . . Let’s see how everyone else made out this year.  Wait . . . I think I remember this going south a bit last year.  No politics!  Now for the questions.

  1. What was your favorite part of 2022?
  2. What was your least favorite part of 2022?
  3. What was the most unexpected part of 2022?
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