Legends of Windemere

After seeing Ionia’s post about sex and romance while reading a book that had a surprising amount of genitalia attention, I’m tempted to make fun of sex scenes.  I’m a weak-willed person, so here we go with ‘Rules to Make a Sex Scene’.

1. Refer to sweat at least twenty times.
2. Nibbling can be done on any body part and be a turn-on.  Yummy elbows.
3. Bouncing must be the most common action word.  Jiggling doesn’t have the same effect.
4. The woman always notices the weight of the guy when she’s on the bottom.
5. The man never notices the weight of the woman when she’s on top.
6. Woman on top equals goddess and woman on bottom equals angel.
7. Every character is a pornstar level pro at oral sex.  Doesn’t matter if they’re a virgin.
8. Both characters must have a moment where they’re surprised they’re having sex.
9. Use at least 4 terms to describe the male member.
10. Use at least 7 terms to describe the female genitalia.  At least 3 of these should be cave-based terms.
11. Names will always be screamed.
12. Woman’s hair will always be splayed on pillows when on bottom.
13. Kisses are there when you can’t think of any more positions.
14. Characters must always go through missionary, doggy, girl-on-top, and standing.  Missing one of these means they’re not having a good time.
15. Try to feign some type of romance while the characters are basically rutting.
16. Refer to becoming one with the universe either at the beginning or end of the session.
17. Both must collapse at the end.
18. Never have the guy ask her to make a sandwich once done.
19. You can have the woman request a sandwich when done.
20. Neither characters can have working legs by the end of it.