Idiots Guide to Writing Sex Scenes (Dirty, Erotic Language)

After seeing Ionia’s post about sex and romance while reading a book that had a surprising amount of genitalia attention, I’m tempted to make fun of sex scenes.  I’m a weak-willed person, so here we go with ‘Rules to Make a Sex Scene’.

  1. Refer to sweat at least twenty times.
  2. Nibbling can be done on any body part and be a turn-on.  Yummy elbows.
  3. Bouncing must be the most common action word.  Jiggling doesn’t have the same effect.
  4. The woman always notices the weight of the guy when she’s on the bottom.
  5. The man never notices the weight of the woman when she’s on top.
  6. Woman on top equals goddess and woman on bottom equals angel.
  7. Every character is a pornstar level pro at oral sex.  Doesn’t matter if they’re a virgin.
  8. Both characters must have a moment where they’re surprised they’re having sex.
  9. Use at least 4 terms to describe the male member.
  10. Use at least 7 terms to describe the female genitalia.  At least 3 of these should be cave-based terms.
  11. Names will always be screamed.
  12. Woman’s hair will always be splayed on pillows when on bottom.
  13. Kisses are there when you can’t think of any more positions.
  14. Characters must always go through missionary, doggy, girl-on-top, and standing.  Missing one of these means they’re not having a good time.
  15. Try to feign some type of romance while the characters are basically rutting.
  16. Refer to becoming one with the universe either at the beginning or end of the session.
  17. Both must collapse at the end.
  18. Never have the guy ask her to make a sandwich once done.
  19. You can have the woman request a sandwich when done.
  20. Neither characters can have working legs by the end of it.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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179 Responses to Idiots Guide to Writing Sex Scenes (Dirty, Erotic Language)

  1. And it is just like this in real life, right? Or is that just me? Lol

    Like

  2. omg LMAO!!!

    Looks like the pointers E L James took XD

    except this one:

    21. When in first person, the woman must refer to her nether regions as “down THERE” and speak often of her “inner goddess”

    Like

  3. rbdavis5 says:

    how many of these should I apply to my horror stories???

    Like

  4. Papizilla says:

    Reblogged this on The Ranting Papizilla and commented:
    Very good points Charles makes. Adult book Authors, how on point is Charles here? 😀

    Like

  5. Clearly you are in the wrong, genre my friend. 50 Shades of Windemere is calling your name.

    Like

  6. Reblogged this on …and then there was Sarah and commented:
    Take pointers, folks.

    Like

  7. ioniamartin says:

    21 womans junk referred to as something floral and out of a garden.

    Like

  8. sknicholls says:

    This was a great post only I didn’t see anything about whips, ropes, chains or who is going to clean up the toys when your’re done.

    Like

  9. sknicholls says:

    Also, never, ever, use the word hump! I actually saw that written once and nearly died.

    Like

  10. TamrahJo says:

    22. Always, ALWAYS refer to the golden afterglow, the health benefits of being relaxed and limber and never skip this scene, unless you can explain it – i.e. pager goes off, roof caves in, bad guys find the heroes hide out……
    LOL
    Excellent! If this doesn’t put the end to not-necessary-to-the-plot sex scenes, I don’t know what will…

    Like

    • Now I need to work on the not-necessary-to-the-lot flashback. That has to go.

      Like

      • TamrahJo says:

        Yes! Hate those – and seriously, I quit reading one author by book 7 – yes, I wanted to know what happened next, I loved her characters, but by book 5 more than half of it was flashback/re-telling and I’m thinking,
        “Do you think your audience is so stupid that we plunged in to read book 5 only? Sheesh!”
        I’ll never know what happened in books 7 or 8, but by book 6, I no longer cared….
        🙂

        Like

      • I think that’s a benefit of present tense writing. You can’t do flashbacks.

        Like

      • TamrahJo says:

        I understand needing to allude to something in order for the current book to make sense, but really, how many people start reading a book and think, “Wow! I picked up the second in the series and I’m really mad the author didn’t clue me into every stinking thing that happened in book 1!”

        I’ve only had that happen with two different series – each book got longer and longer with less new story – is this what happens when a publishing house wants to ride the winning pony all the way to the bank?
        😀

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      • I think the term filler is appropriate here.

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      • TamrahJo says:

        LOL – oh, THAT’s what it is……
        Silly me….
        😀
        Yuk-Yuk

        Like

  11. kingmidget says:

    Don’t forget that the male organ must be the largest the woman has ever seen before and that the male is able to go longer and well, you know, more frequently than is humanly possible. And at some point the woman is a quivering mass Quivering is a critical word int these things.

    Like

  12. Pingback: Does Sex really Sell? | The Good, Bad and Ludicrous

  13. And they must say “that was amazing” when it is over.

    Like

  14. renxkyoko says:

    That’s funny.

    Like

  15. sknicholls says:

    Reblogged this on mybrandofgenius and commented:
    funny and seems to be the topic of the day

    Like

  16. mlnewman87 says:

    Thanks for the post. I needed a good laugh and your reward is a reblog 🙂

    Like

  17. mlnewman87 says:

    Reblogged this on MLNewman87 and commented:
    A great post about sex scenes. Don’t drink water while reading. 🙂

    Like

  18. Reblogged this on sshalsnoy's Blog and commented:
    This article is so true and yet hilarious at the same time!

    Like

  19. Rana says:

    Reblogged this on Virginia the Viruliferous and commented:
    Proper and brilliant advice. XD

    Like

  20. prayingforoneday says:

    Woman Porn Charles 🙂
    Erotica is the word yeah?

    And PMSL at the blog
    Really funny bud..

    Like

  21. Kira says:

    Oh boy…I go away for awhile and I come back and it’s all gone downhill! lol This had me rolling Charles! Great post 🙂

    Like

  22. LOLOLOLOLOLOL! It’s at this point that he finds out she has being seeing someone else.

    Like

  23. Johnny Ojanpera says:

    This is the funniest comment thread I have ever read. It has nearly over come the post. I exploded with laughter to the point of gyrating, after of course. Good show.

    Like

  24. Reblogged this on Amanda's Words / starfire8me and commented:
    hey, the sexier the better!!

    Like

  25. sknicholls says:

    hahaha…I went to The Cove and came back….you guys have been having all the fun…and now I recall a passage in my book when my characters go a hotel together and I actually wrote, “…the bromiliads bloomed their phallic plumes…”, or something like that…geez

    Like

  26. spoplawski says:

    Mastering sex fantasies/desires/actions is promoted and blessed as never before in human history by our present top democratic systems driven by money, social manipulations and never ending run for more of everything. Charles, your 20 point sarcastic characterization of our modern se…al activities is great and gives even more fun when people swallow this peculiar bait ant truly resonate by adding very own se…al projections.

    Like

  27. Is it ok for the woman to request a salami sandwich or were you referring to another type of sandwich?

    Like

  28. Reblogged this on BRIDGET WHELAN writer and commented:
    Cringe worthy and LOL funny…every written a sex scene? Ever written one like this?

    Like

  29. Very amusing. Makes you think. Thank goodness I’ve never had to write one

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  30. I believe at least one of the characters is supposed to “explode” into an orgasm. It sounds dangerous to me, but there you go.

    Like

  31. Aldrea Alien says:

    Hmm. I amaze myself by completely forgetting to use any of those points.

    Like

  32. Bastet says:

    Jeez Charles…I read your list yesterday and it was a gas…loved it…but lawdy lawdy these comments would make a great story with a crazy poem in it just for good measure! 😀

    Like

  33. Good one. 🙂 I had a good laugh after reading this, mostly because it was 90% true to my sex scenes. ;D

    Like

  34. Hahaha good to know…and oh so true! Sometimes I read sex scenes and I am like…yeah like we have four hours a night to get through all that! Guess we better add “Unending Energy until the Collapse”

    Like

  35. bookgoddess6 says:

    Reblogged this on The Crafty Book Goddess and commented:
    Since Aleusia and I were just discussing this very thing, it seems appropriate, and absolutely fun. So I’m sharing this from another writer here, and even the comments are entertaining! Enjoy!

    Like

  36. SAHealey says:

    Hilarious. And so very true! Really enjoyable post 🙂

    Like

  37. Jason says:

    Bahhaha! Funniest post I’ve seen in a while 🙂

    Like

  38. C.S.J says:

    This is hilarious Charles! ;D lol Love it!

    Like

  39. imogenbell says:

    This is brilliant! And disturbingly accurate 😦 there are some good ones out there, but you’ve nailed it… metaphorically speaking.

    Like

  40. Pingback: End of an Era Revisit: Idiot’s Guide to Writing Sex Scenes | Legends of Windemere

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