Legends of Windemere

Kevin Hart

Celebrating Thanksgiving in a fantasy world?  Follow these steps for the perfect meal that promises to be delicious, affordable, and minimal on casualties.

1. Stock up on healing potions.  These can help with the prep work, family fights, bandit raids, food poisoning, and zombie turkeys.
2. Hunt down your own turkey to save money for the other dishes.  They’re fairly plentiful in certain regions, so some traveling might be needed.  It is not recommended to use magic or anything else that obliterates the animal.
3. Apologize to the griffin you mistook for a turkey and run.
4. Find wild yams for mashing.  Earn extra money by doing this in public and claiming to be a stand-up comedian.  Due to copyright issues, always refuse to add a watermelon to your act.
5. Buy green beans to steam.  What could go wrong?
6. Finish wrapping scalded hand.
7. Make bacon and eat most of it.  Give last two pieces to the dog and claim he ate it all while your back is turned.
8. Remove angry dog that understands English from your backside.
9. Start cooking turkey.
10. Remove turkey from oven to pluck feathers and prepare for cooking.
11. Return to oven.
12. Make an apple pie, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, brownies, cookies, pudding, and a twenty tier cake.  Put all of this in the enchanted safe that is guarded by a dragon that only recognizes you as its master.  Nobody is going to get at the most important part of the meal.
13. Pick brussels sprouts and immediately throw out since you now remember that nobody in the family likes them.
14. Slice pickles using the technique handed down the generations of your family.
15. Make a small salad for the one family member who refuses to eat meat.  Slip in one bacon crumble and laugh manically.
16. Put out the fire on the turkey.
17. Get the bread and herbs for stuffing.  Scratch head when you realize that you never remember how to do this.
18. Open jar of endless cranberry sauce and add whiskey . . . to yourself because this is hard work.
19. Threaten to burn down the house if somebody doesn’t tell you where the damn gravy boat is.
20. Apologize to firefighters and promise that this is the last Thanksgiving that they have to show up at 3:25 PM on the dot.
21. Welcome all of your family from where you are setting the table.
22. Throw out destroyed turkey and go hunting for a new one that you cook with a fire spell on sight.
23. Apologize to griffin even though you roasted it perfectly.  Nobody ever seems to notice the taste anyway.
24. Carve the ‘turkey’ and makes sure everyone is happy before you even consider sitting down to eat.
25. Clear table with a wind spell and hurry to get the desserts.
26. Kill dragon for eating the apple pie, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, brownies, cookies, pudding, and a twenty tier cake.