Christmas– This doesn’t look like a Secret Santa Meeting.
Labor Day– Sit down, Christmas. We really need to talk. Please keep in mind that we love you and worry about you. Many people take joy from you, but we fear that things have been going too far for too long.
Thanksgiving– Nobody remembers me!
Christmas– To be fair, Black Friday is more responsible for that than me.
Black Friday– And proud of it!
Halloween– Get out of here! You’re not even a real holiday. *hurls Black Friday through a window* And tell your siblings to stay away too!
Labor Day– Sorry about that. Now, Christmas, we really do think you have to stop growing. People saw Santa displays during my weekend. Last year saw barely anything for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving– The world is so cold and bleak.
Halloween– Stop pussy-footing around. You need to stay in December, big boy. We’re fine with you having that month. Just leave the rest of us alone.
Christmas– You’re declaring war on me!
Easter– I know I’m too far away to have a real opinion, but that really isn’t the case. It isn’t really you that we want to stop. It’s how you’ve gone from a weekend event, to a week, to a month, and now you’ve taken over nearly two entire seasons. Do you know how miserable Frosty is when you have him go out before Winter? That isn’t sweat coming off him.
Christmas– I thought we were bros, Easter. Is this because people understand me better than an egg-laying rabbit or a bread boycott?
Passover– You really don’t want to go there. I’ve got 10 Plagues, a really long movie, and no problem using them on you.
Christmas– Don’t go threatening me. Your brother would be nothing without me.
Hanukkah– How is that a good thing? I’m supposed to be a minor holiday and not the Jewish answer to you. Chocolate, candles, potato pancakes, and a top. That’s all I’m supposed to be.
Thanksgiving– Why does nobody love me? I’m not an asshole like Columbus Day!
Halloween– You seem to think the rest of us owe you for . . . what exactly? You steal our thunder and it gets worse every year. Independence Day gets freaked out whenever he sees a red shirt during his fireworks displays. New Years seems to be a mindless continuation of you. You’ve become very destructive and lost your purpose, which is why we’re here.
Christmas– Like I’m going to listen to a Pagan holiday.
Halloween– I’m Christian you dumbass! Samhain is the Pagan one and I’m a Christian holiday. No clue how that got lost over the years. Besides, aren’t you the Christian answer to Yule?
Christmas– Never heard of the guy.
Voice from Christmas’s Stomach– You fucking ate me, you gluttonous bastard!
Christmas– That proves nothing. It could easily be a magical gingerbread man.
Labor Day– We’ve gotten off topic and the yelling is making Thanksgiving cry. All of us have pieces of our origins that people no longer remember or recognize. It’s how our existence works. Each of us has some purpose whether it be for religious or non-religious reasons. So it is very important that we respect each others boundaries and try not to step on each other.
Easter– There are 12 months in the year and you don’t need all of them. All we ask is that you dial yourself back to December. Again, we don’t want you gone. Just pushed back to a point where people aren’t sick of you by the time you actually start.
Christmas– Maybe I have been a little too pushy . . . Nah. You guys suck and I’m awesome. That’s why there’s Christmas in July and places named after me. It’s why people leave their lights up all year long. People love me and those that don’t are jealous of my success. So I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. See you, losers!
Halloween– This is why I only drink Pepsi.
Labor Day– Well, we tried. Sorry, Thanksgiving. Maybe we can move you to August or something when people entirely forget about you.
Thanksgiving– But I get hay fever during that time of year.
Labor Day– Then June. Just calm down and stay away from sharp objects. What do we have next?
Halloween– Looks like Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day are upset that most of the country can’t tell them apart any more. We promised to help them figure something out because the name tags aren’t helping.
Thanksgiving– He even took away my parade!
Legends of Windemere 
So true. There were Christmas carols playing across the mall where we went to the movie. It’s November first for Christ’s sake! My daughter got an announcement that her job would not start until 6:30 AM on Black Friday. She was giddy. Then they retracted that and said it was an error. They will open, with all hands on deck, at 6:30 PM on Thanksgiving Day. So much for Thanksgiving.
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I’m scared to go near malls now. I saw Santa creepy into the Halloween displays in the middle of October. It’s really bizarre when I see Rudolph or Frosty lurking around a Labor Day sale. Black Friday is such a horrible idea these days. I’ve heard it’s mostly to clear surplus and make room for more of the new stuff that people may want for Christmas. There’s the anger, injuries, and occasional death as well. We always stay home and away from stores on Black Friday.
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Me too. Black Friday is terrible, and I refuse to participate.
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I’ve seen lists of stores that don’t participate, which I think is cool. Only one I remember off the top of my head is Nordstroms. They flat out said the Thanksgiving weekend is for family and not shopping.
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That’s cool. I’d support Nordstroms, but we don’t have one here. I used to shop there when Salt Lake City was my best option.
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It’s kind of expensive, so we don’t go there. Honestly, most of the stuff we get around the holidays are toys or cheap. Sometimes even cheap toys.
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Oh God I wish my wife thought that way.
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I think it helps that sleeping on the couch for me means I get to be in the room with the bigger TV.
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That’s a plus, as long as the furnace is working.
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Ha! Hilarious! So true. The Christmas decorations went up in July in some stores. 😦 And Black Friday is not a real holiday. 😀 And so true about Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day. 🙂
I saw some Christmas lights the other day and felt hostile.
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One of the things I noticed last year was a small push to get rid of Thanksgiving. Stems from the same reasoning as getting rid of Columbus Day. In fact, I saw nearly every holiday this year receive a vocal faction that wanted it tossed away. Really strange.
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I love Thanksgiving! Love the meal and all of the preparations. So I would be completely sad to see the holiday done away with.
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I’m fine with it as long as there are plenty of side dishes and it isn’t at my house. Every time Thanksgiving is here, there’s a week of psychotic prep and tension that doesn’t end until two days after the holiday.
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Great one Charles. I have to believe Christmas has been getting a little pushy lately.
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All we need is a rolled up newspaper that is 90% ads for holiday sales. One bop on the nose and we should be fine for another year.
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Sunday edition.
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Excellent, Charles, most amusing 🙂
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Thanks. 🙂
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Ha ha ha – absolutely hilarious (and true!) 😀
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This entire conversation is perfectly written.
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Thanks. 🙂
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Wonderful, I loved every word of it!
I’ll let you in on a little secret, this is just between you and me…. The Christmas being pushed right now is next years, the first real sales start in January, the ultimate goal of everyone is to have Christmas shopping year round, that’s why it starts earlier every year.
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I had a feeling that was the case. It explains a lot.
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This has to be the funniest thing I’ve read all week, and it’s all true 🙂
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Thanks. Though it is only Tuesday.
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