Legends of Windemere

*This became a rant.*

Things are stressful here and I’ve said that every weekend.  Broken record syndrome, but I’m going to try to get a little more into it.  Mostly because this week seemed to bring everything to a head.  A few breakdowns for people, arguments, attitude, and just feeling like we just can’t win.  Try to wrap your head around having to explain to a 6-year-old why you’re worried about money since he overheard the conversation.  Even worse when he does the ‘things will be okay, daddy’ and you’re left wondering if he means it or is mimicking what you say when he’s upset.

I’m not the one job hunting, but I’m doing whatever I can to help the wife think of things to do.  This week was us snapping at each other over everything.  When she’s stressed or down, she gives attitude.  When I get stressed or down, I shout.  Not a good combo, especially when you factor in how much bullshit is involved in job hunting these days.  At least if you’re trying to make enough to pay bills and survive.  Yes, anyone can find a job, but that doesn’t mean it will help because it might pay so poorly that you end up further in the hole because of gas, food, and whatever else you need to pay into for the job.

It’s so frustrating to see so many resumes go out and no response come back.  You read articles that say ‘One should follow up 2 days after sending a resume’ and then another that says ‘Following up on a resume will eliminate you from consideration’.  You sign up with a temp agency in the hopes of getting some work or a permanent position, but that results in a headache.  No responses, your agent isn’t there, they’re still negotiating their finder’s fee, sorry we forgot to tell you the job went to someone else, and so many other things while you’re still trying to find work.  My wife said it best on the phone that she understands these people have to do their job, but while they drag stuff on, she isn’t working.  Unemployment dries up eventually and those people seem to be the only ones that are optimistic about things right now.  Gotta give them credit for trying to keep people’s spirits up.

Does that end our stress?  Fuck no!  Bring on the medical insurance company that we get through the State.  You get what you pay for here.  They argued against my yearly eye exam even though I double-checked with them.  They argued against my son getting laughing gas for his first tooth being pulled.  They argued against him having blood tests by the allergist and I think I remember they trying to weasel out of the epi-pens and inhalers.  Every medical visit we’ve done with these people ends up being a fight.  Since my wife is the primary, they usually don’t talk with me, so she has to make the calls on top of the job hunting.  Though we’ve agreed that the next time they call, I’m stepping in and using the language that I feel they’ve earned.  Still, added stress and tears that have led to several breakdowns.

This hasn’t just been our week, but the last 2 months and things feel more and more dire as time passes.  I’ve been looking around myself and I’ve no idea what I could possibly do for a job.  Office work, retail, and food would be it, but then who would be around for the kid when he gets off from school?  I feel like a terrible parent if I leave my dad to raise my son in terms of homework and school meetings.  Not to mention what happens if he has something to do and the kid is sick.  The writing would definitely be a thing of the past too because I simply wouldn’t have the time for editing and marketing.

We’re hoping this is simply a terrible time to job hunt for anything other than seasonal.  Things might pick up in January, but that isn’t a guarantee.  We see stories of people hunting for years or settling for something that forces them to live paycheck to paycheck.  A single disaster is life-destroying and we always run into those.  Broken car, sick kid, sick adult, medical debt, and the list keeps going.  In fact, this post has been going on a lot longer than I expected.  It’s just been frustrating, depressing, and I really have a hard time thinking of a solution.

This is the last full week before the kid starts his break and my mom will be home too.  She’s getting the hardware taken out of her repaired elbow, so maybe having a bunch of family time will help on all fronts.  My only plan for this week is to try and finish the writing project I’m on before that break.  I’ll be editing Crossing Bedlam at night during that time and I might have the occasional day where I’m left home to write.  Hard for me to think about it with any excitement.  Still in the dark about The Mercenary Prince, but I have hype stuff scheduled until mid-January.  Then I’ll switch to Bedlam hype.

I don’t have the enthusiasm I should have for all of this because I feel like I’m staring down the barrel of a gun.  I mean, how many times can we get knocked down before we just can’t maintain the hope that we’ll rise and stay there?  There’s this sense that the next job will be good and then something will happen beyond our control to plunge us back into this situation.  It’s been happening to us for years and it feels like this time is kind of hitting harder than before.  Probably because we have a child who is asking about it, which really brings home the fact that we aren’t falling by ourselves.  We’re taking him with us and that’s what fucking hurts.