Today we have everyone’s favorite gnome illusionist, inventor, and womanizer, Fritz Warrenberg. Well, he has a few fans, so I’m keeping the everyone. Along with him is his loyal riding sheep, Bessaria, who will be busy eating out of the garbage can for some odd reason.
Fritz is an old gnome, who works at the Hamilton Military Academy as the siege weapon instructor. This means he teaches kids how to build and use catapults, siege towers, ballistas, and things that he’s invented. Oddly enough there are very few injuries in his classroom. Being a gnome, he has the ability to feel if a path will lead to his death, which is called ‘The Void’. A gnome suddenly goes blind for a brief moment and they know to take another route. It isn’t a perfect system, but it makes them very hard to kill.
Getting back to Fritz, he’s a gnome of knowledge and is highly renowned among his people for his inventions. He’s also seen his share of adventures, so he could be the voice of experience in the group. That’s if he didn’t stop to hit on every attractive woman in his line of sight. This translates to every woman in his line of sight, who hasn’t rejected him or hit him yet.
So, ask your questions of our resident gnome. If you have a question for any of our past participants, their days are linked just below.
The Young Hero: Luke Callindor
The Halfling Thief: Nimby
The Demonic Assassin: Hellfire Elf
Legends of Windemere 
Which one hits harder, a blonde or a brunette?
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In my experience, raven-haired women hit the hardest of all. There’s something about those women that fuels their fists with rage. Though, between the two I would have to go with a blonde. The reason is because female orcs are blonde more often than brunette, so they tip the average to that scale.
Nimby: Who bet on his first question being about getting slapped by woman?
Aedyn: That was me, but you can send the winnings to my temple.
Luke: I knew I shouldn’t have bet on the sheep.
Nyx: I can’t believe people want to talk to you idiots.
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And I’m betting the female orcs pack quite the wallop. Do they hold a grudge as well?
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In general, orcs are very forgiving and believe grudges bring about bad spirits. The except is revenge in a blood-for-blood manner.
Now if you wants grudges, elven women are not to be scorned or angered in any way. Once crossed, you’ll have to work hard to gain their forgiveness.
Nyx: Half-elves aren’t much better.
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I have heard this about elven women …
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Yup . . . so, got any dinner plans, young lady?
Nyx: Behave, gnome, or you’ll be dinner for your sheep.
Aedyn: We cannot take you two anywhere without a fight.
Luke: At least we don’t have to pay for entertainment.
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Double like. Fritz is awesome. I’ll have questions later.
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Fritz: I have a fan! In your face, Karwyn! *dances on the guest chair*
Nyx: I can set him on fire if you want, Aedyn. The grease will catch like oily paper.
Aedyn: Let him gloat. I’m sure Bessaria has more fans than he does.
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Lol
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So Fritz, regale us with a story of your latest conquest!
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Well, I’m working on a method to transfer blood from a healthy person into someone that has suffered severe blood loss. I’ve finally managed to create flexible tubes and small, hollow dagger to remove and inject the blood. At least it works in the test phase. I’ve added some cleansing spells on the tubes to make sure the blood is clean and added a healing balm on the inside, so the fresh blood acts like a mild healing potion.
Nyx: I think he means women, Fritz.
Oh . . . I’ve been so busy with work, but there’s a cute, little half-elf that I’ve been seducing. She’s got beautiful violet eyes and legs that go on for
Nyx: Keep going and the feet attached to these legs are going to do become acquainted with the back of your head.
Uh . . . conquest is a very vague term. I consider it a victory that she hasn’t killed me yet.
Nimby: Don’t worry, Fritz! We have a bet going on how long that will last.
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Love gnomes and this one sounds like a real love! So old Fritz what do you think of female black elves who also happen have bardish qualities.
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I’ve never courted a chaos elf before, but that’s more out of their disinterest and their culture love of assassinations than anything on my part. Truthfully, I find that all women are beautiful in their own way and one simply has to be observant enough to see it. From the towering beauties of the orcs to the short matrons of the dwarves, an admirer of women, such as myself, can find the beauty in everything.
Nyx: What in the world is he talking about?
Nimby: I think it’s poetic speak for having no standards and being an epic horn-dog.
Luke: You guys couldn’t let him get this without teasing, huh?
Nyx: If he’d stop pinching me on the butt with his magic, I’d be nicer.
Fritz: That’s a compliment in my culture!
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🙂 tnx!
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Hmm, can I ask a question that doesn’t involve girls? (Charles, may I please?)
I’m asking anyway: have you had other pets besides sheep? I’ve heard pigs can be pretty smart, too. And how did Bessaria get the last name Spamcakes? Were you thinking about eating her?
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Damn Earth technology and deleting my glorious answer! This wouldn’t happen if you had gnomes. Let’s try this again.
Spamcakes comes from the fact that she was born to Mr. and Mrs. Spamcakes. I bought her from a gnome whose family has been breeding riding sheep for centuries. They use surnames to keep bloodline records. Though, I’m not sure how you found out about her last name. Even these guys don’t know it.
Over the years, I’ve had cats, dogs, mice, snakes, bog hares, and other pets, but Bessaria is different. She is a noble riding beast and family, much like Luke and Stiletto. So, one could say that it has always been sheep because that is what my people ride. We are too small for horses, donkeys, and griffins. The riding hounds of the halflings are the right size, but too fast. We gnomes are rarely in a rush. Don’t even get me started on the orcs and their rhinoceroses.
Aedyn: Tell her that you sing to Bessaria every night before she goes to sleep.
Fritz: That’s rather embarrassing.
Aedyn: Actually, it is rather sweet and sensitive.
Nimby: Women love sweet and sensitive.
Fritz: I will never use Bessaria to pick up women.
Nyx: Mark this date down in your calendar. Today you’ve heard that there is something Fritz won’t do to get a woman.
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You are too funny, Fritz! That’s why I like you so much. A guy with a good sense of humor is so hard to find…
Anyway, okay, now I understand why you picked a sheep. (Did I mention I own sheep too?) And I get the whole ‘surname to keep bloodlines in order’ thing.
And Aedyn is right! That is so sweet that you sing to her! You must be a real softie on the inside! I can’t believe you’re not married!
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Oh, and what is a bog hare?
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A large, fat hare that lives in swamps and is mostly meat. It has tiny legs, but it moves by bouncing on its bloated belly and directing itself with its prehensile ears. Good source of protein if you’re stuck in a swamp and can catch one.
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Sounds silly-looking, but tasty!
Hmm, so you’re funny, sensitive, an animal-lover, a good cook, and an inventor! Where have you been hiding? 😉
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In my lab, but cooking isn’t my forte. Bog hare needs to be heated up and eaten with very little preparation. Even Nyx can do it.
Nyx: Hey . . . fine . . . I never claimed to be a cook anyway.
Nimby: We still love ya, Nyx.
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Don’t worry Nyx, I’m sure you’re a good cook. Hey, you’re power is fire, so you could cook anything! (Eating it might be another matter…)
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See? She gets what we are talking about, Nyx.
Nyx: Just wait until my turn and we’ll see what I get to say about all of you.
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I look forward to your interview Nxy, I think I already know what to ask. *evil grin*
And when does the priest get his turn?
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Aedyn: I have a name.
Nimby: Just no fans.
Aedyn: I think it is still being decided if I should go next week or if Fizzle should go.
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Sorry Aedyn…I keep forgetting how to spell your name.
He does too have fans, Nimby! (Well, at least one: me!)
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I understand. It was originally Aidan Quinn until we realized that was the name of an actor. Then, somebody went crazy with the spelling and it stuck.
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I mix up the ‘e’ and the ‘y’. I didn’t want to offend you, so I just went with ‘priest’. (But I think I’ve got it down now!)
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He’s rather hard to offend, so don’t worry about it. 🙂
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Can I ask a question that doesn’t involve girls? (Charles, may I please?)
I’m asking anyway: have you ever had any other pets beside sheep? I’ve heard pigs are pretty smart. Oh, and how did Bessaria get the last name Spamcakes? Were you going to eat her?
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Okay, I don’t know how I did this twice. Sorry Fritz. (And Charles.)
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It’s acting up. I wrote a long answer, hit reply, and it just vanished.
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Oh good, so it’s not just me! 🙂
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