(Originally posted on May 15, 2015.)

Homunculi from Fullmetal Alchemist

Welcome, potential evildoer, to the store where we have minions, lackeys, henchmen, fodder, and whatever other human resources you need.  You’re not a cop or a hero in disguise, are you?  Of course not.  The dogs would have already torn your throat out if you were.  What dogs?  Best you don’t ask and pretend you didn’t hear anything.  So, what can I get for you?

First timer with a powerful hero to contend with?  Wow, I don’t want to know what you did to get that racket.  Seriously, I don’t care about origins because I’m not your therapist or friend.  Now, it sounds like you need a wide variety of underlings.  I suggest getting Combo 37, which includes a small army of nameless drones, an altered death squad of three to five codenamed henchmen, and a powerful right hand assistant.  No, the gender and powers are up to you.  Grab one of those clipboards and start filling out the form while I show you around the warehouse.  Watch where you go since we had a small . . . incident and are still cleaning the floors.

Don’t worry about the drones since they’re around to get destroyed by the hero, so we’ll create an army based on the others.  Given you have a flying and beam-shooting enemy, I recommend a four person death squad.  Five would be overkill and three feels like it won’t be enough.  Might I suggest a bruiser, a reflector, a speedster, and the hot one who doesn’t do anything besides looking pretty.  Yes, I have that last one in male.  You can do whatever you want with him, but the warranty is voided if you hurt, kill, or marry him.  No, making an example of him won’t void the warranty, but we do require you give us a written explanation and the body within 48 hours.  The only reason for an extension is if you’re in jail and there are no agents to contact us.  Though, we’ll know about that simply by watching the news and our spy cameras.  What spy cameras?  Don’t worry about.  Standard issue in our business. Here, have a cupcake while we move on to your main henchman.

Now, you’re a technology-based villain as I can see from the funny gun at your hip and all the gizmos on your head.  That’s your hair?  Kids these days.  So, what kind of villain are you?  Summoned from the hell of the future to get revenge on your former master’s enemies, but he was killed soon after you arrived.  So, you have no idea what you’re doing here and are simply going for world domination?  I have a power absorber in stock that can help with your enemy and be used as a battery for any doomsday weapons.  There’s a sale on psionic henchman where you buy one and get a mindlinked one for half off.  They count as one agent since they share the same psychic space.  The only thing is that losing one means the other is useless or insane.  We’ve also had a few complaints about them trying to absorb each other in a mental war of wills.  If that happens then we’ll give you store credit and . . . refund?  Only if you can fight your way to the portal in the basement and defeat Cthulu.  He’s your uncle?  In that case, I’ll throw in a tropical island lair on your next purchase.  What if you win the first time?  That’s adorable.