Legends of Windemere

Boris Vallejo – 1976 – Tarnsman of Gor

Originally, I was going to write my opinion on how to write a seductive, sexy character in fantasy fiction.  I’m not an expert on this, but it’s a topic that the debut of Sari has prompted me to think about.  Anyway, I went looking for a good picture to use for that post.  It was a ridiculous search considering everything was barely clothed women.  Even when I typed ‘fantasy art sexy man’, it was predominantly women.  Still, the male pictures that did show up where the same thing too.  In fact, the guys had less clothing than the women.  I do not count strategically placed mist as an article of clothing.  It was a frustrating 15 minute search that led me to change my topic today.

What do you need to make a traditionally sexy fantasy character?  Well, let’s Frankenstein ourselves a pair of hotties:

THE MAN

1. Rippling muscles in all the right places and a few wrong ones.  Arms and legs are bulging with power, but occasionally it looks like the guy’s neck is able to bench press a Buick.
2. Long sword or big axe to make sure you have the phallic symbolism.  Imagine those groans of WTF are moans of enjoyment.
3. Perfect hair even if it’s the ‘rolled out of bed’ look.  Doesn’t matter if he just fought a battle with a helmet on, he’s dreamy.
4. Butt dimples the size of small children.  Small note: Keep these guys away from small children.
5. Defined chest muscles with perky nipples.  It’s like these guys are always cold.  That might explain part of #8.
6. Abs that you want to hit to see how tough they are.  Look flesh-covered armor plating.
7. The smile . . . HA!  Nobody’s looking at his face.
8. He should be in furry underwear, skewed loincloth, or butt-naked with something in the way of the ‘important’ part.  Funny how so many of these guys have tiny objects in the way.  Do fantasy worlds promote steroids?

THE WOMAN

1. Glorious hair that shimmers in the darkness and flows when there’s no breeze.  You just want to curl up in her tresses and ignore her screaming that her scalp hurts from the pulling.
2. The sexy smile that the artist thought would distract from the clothing composed of one string of spider silk.
3. THONG!
4. A butt so firm and round that you start to wonder if she’s smuggling two melons under her . . . okay, you know she’s not doing that.
5. Legs that are long enough to kick a person from across a small room.  Useful to put them in a stretching, full extension position or curled in a way to help the heels bring attention back to the melon butt.
6. Stomach flatter than a piece of paper.  This part remains flat even when the back is arched in a way that you question her possession of a functional spine.
7. Eyes that are either cold or predatory.  I know I’m turned on by a woman with the expression of a zombie (commence Kristen Stewart jokes) or will eat me if she gets even the slightest bit hungry.
8. Cleavage.  All sorts of cleavage.  Tightly packed so she can double as a nightstand.  Wide apart so her chest is tickling her armpits.  It’s like fantasy women’s chests are made out of play-doh and they have no pain nerves there.  Seriously, it looks like the more uncomfortable the breast position, the ‘sexier’ she’s supposed to be.

A final note: some of these pictures are simply hilarious.