Christmas– This doesn’t look like a Secret Santa Meeting.
Labor Day– Sit down, Christmas. We really need to talk. Please keep in mind that we love you and worry about you. Many people take joy from you, but we fear that things have been going too far for too long.
Thanksgiving– Nobody remembers me!
Christmas– To be fair, Black Friday is more responsible for that than me.
Black Friday– And proud of it!
Halloween– Get out of here! You’re not even a real holiday. *hurls Black Friday through a window* And tell your siblings to stay away too!
Labor Day– Sorry about that. Now, Christmas, we really do think you have to stop growing. People saw Santa displays during my weekend. Last year saw barely anything for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving– The world is so cold and bleak.
Halloween– Stop pussy-footing around. You need to stay in December, big boy. We’re fine with you having that month. Just leave the rest of us alone.
Christmas– You’re declaring war on me!
Easter– I know I’m too far away to have a real opinion, but that really isn’t the case. It isn’t really you that we want to stop. It’s how you’ve gone from a weekend event, to a week, to a month, and now you’ve taken over nearly two entire seasons. Do you know how miserable Frosty is when you have him go out before Winter? That isn’t sweat coming off him.
Christmas– I thought we were bros, Easter. Is this because people understand me better than an egg-laying rabbit or a bread boycott?
Passover– You really don’t want to go there. I’ve got 10 Plagues, a really long movie, and no problem using them on you.
Christmas– Don’t go threatening me. Your brother would be nothing without me.
Hanukkah– How is that a good thing? I’m supposed to be a minor holiday and not the Jewish answer to you. Chocolate, candles, potato pancakes, and a top. That’s all I’m supposed to be.
Thanksgiving– Why does nobody love me? I’m not an asshole like Columbus Day!
Halloween– You seem to think the rest of us owe you for . . . what exactly? You steal our thunder and it gets worse every year. Independence Day gets freaked out whenever he sees a red shirt during his fireworks displays. New Years seems to be a mindless continuation of you. You’ve become very destructive and lost your purpose, which is why we’re here.
Christmas– Like I’m going to listen to a Pagan holiday.
Halloween– I’m Christian you dumbass! Samhain is the Pagan one and I’m a Christian holiday. No clue how that got lost over the years. Besides, aren’t you the Christian answer to Yule?
Christmas– Never heard of the guy.
Voice from Christmas’s Stomach– You fucking ate me, you gluttonous bastard!
Christmas– That proves nothing. It could easily be a magical gingerbread man.
Labor Day– We’ve gotten off topic and the yelling is making Thanksgiving cry. All of us have pieces of our origins that people no longer remember or recognize. It’s how our existence works. Each of us has some purpose whether it be for religious or non-religious reasons. So it is very important that we respect each others boundaries and try not to step on each other.
Easter– There are 12 months in the year and you don’t need all of them. All we ask is that you dial yourself back to December. Again, we don’t want you gone. Just pushed back to a point where people aren’t sick of you by the time you actually start.
Christmas– Maybe I have been a little too pushy . . . Nah. You guys suck and I’m awesome. That’s why there’s Christmas in July and places named after me. It’s why people leave their lights up all year long. People love me and those that don’t are jealous of my success. So I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. See you, losers!
Halloween– This is why I only drink Pepsi.
Labor Day– Well, we tried. Sorry, Thanksgiving. Maybe we can move you to August or something when people entirely forget about you.
Thanksgiving– But I get hay fever during that time of year.
Labor Day– Then June. Just calm down and stay away from sharp objects. What do we have next?
Halloween– Looks like Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day are upset that most of the country can’t tell them apart any more. We promised to help them figure something out because the name tags aren’t helping.
Thanksgiving– He even took away my parade!
