I have no idea why I’m so tired. Think I tried to wear more hats than my head was able to handle. Too exhausted to list them, but I juggled a lo. There was stuff with grad school, work, writing, parenting, blogging, and kind of health things. Had a few low points emotionally due to the stress as well. Nothing horrific or anything to worry about, but I felt sad for a bit. At least I know the source of it.
Over the week, I saw many reports and articles about new books coming out. Talking traditional publishers really. It hit me the wrong way because I saw that the authors all fell into one of four categories: Celebrity, Big name trad, Politician, or Somebody connected to a politician/celebrity. I get it that these are popular areas, but it feels like these are the only types of books getting put out there with any attention. Makes the whole gatekeeping and iron wall of the publishing world feel thicker than ever. I lack the thousands of dollars to hurl at marketing, so I’m getting the ‘I failed’ thoughts again. Struggling simply to write a book these days and my generation doesn’t do the ‘when I retire’ thing because few of us believe retirement is in our future. With everything else coming my way, I worry that what little spark I have is about to be squashed. How can an author be one if they don’t have the time to even think about ideas?
I think the steadily approaching graduate school thing is factoring into this. As much as I want to be a teacher and need the degree for that, I always have that part wanting to be a full-time author. Knowing I will have to put so much aside for 2 years kind of stings, especially since there may be complications. From what I can tell, graduate school is designed more for people right out of undergraduate. I’m 40 with a job in a school, a son, and life experience, so I feel out of place in a way. Don’t get me wrong. I’m going to be doing it, but it’s going to be really hard to balance the blog, writing, parenting, working, and being a student. The first two things will take a hit. Even the mention of a semi-retirement made a massive dent in my blog traffic, so an actual semi-retirement might kill it completely. I know blogging doesn’t bring sales, but I can’t see publishing a book without having this medium to do an announcement. Could an author get anywhere simply by silently publishing one book after another? Again, this feels like the universe doesn’t want me to tell my stories.
Yeah, I’m in a mood this week. I had a lot of fun with my son when he wasn’t in school, but it was mostly playing in the inflatable pool and LEGO Harry Potter Years 5-7 on the Switch. My back and shoulders got badly burned too even though I used sunscreen, but the pool isn’t in the shade. Had to use a wooden ruler with a metal edge as a back scratcher at one point because I couldn’t take it any more. That probably added to my surliness, which only comes out at night. I want to write and work and play with my son and stop having things turn to crap in my hands. As I’ve told a few people, I really just want to catch some kind of break somewhere. Hard work can only get you so far because you inevitably hit a door that somebody needs to open for you. Either through luck or they believe in you and have the ability to give you that break. Eh, I’m back to ranting again, which is the theme of this post.
Look . . . I didn’t really do much aside from going through the motions. I got one chapter of War of Nytefall: Anarchy written by using nights, but that was a freak accident and won’t happen again. I’ll be back to needing weekends, so I probably won’t finish this until August. That means Do I Need to Use a Dragon? (Fantasy Writing Tips) is going to be delayed for a while. Here I thought I could write two books at once, but everything fell apart fairly quickly. I don’t even get full weekends for a while because things keep coming up. Being social even though I really just want to curl up with my laptop in my room. Not having my shit together in life isn’t an excuse for avoiding those who are far ahead and able to relax.
Next week is back to a normal schedule, but I have a work day at the end. Happy to go back even if it’s for a day because I miss that place. Feeling useful is something that everyone wants. Covid-19 has made it really difficult for many people to find this sense of purpose. It’s disheartening and brutal because you can start to lose a sense of your humanity. Many define themselves by what they can do and are depended on for because it means we’re part of a society. Losing that brings about a feeling of being lost and that just opens the door for anxiety. Of course, we can’t go rushing into the world as if nothing is wrong. Everything is just so fucked up. I made a Facebook post about the pandemic and it being a test of empathy. Was happy that many people agreed with it and I didn’t attract any trolls. Guess that’s the week’s victory.
Goals for the week?
- Fun with son.
- Finish setting up the September blog posts.
- Start on October blog posts if possible. (Info on that tomorrow.)
- Write more War of Nytefall: Anarchy.
- Day of work.
- Get pizza before weekend.
- Try to improve my mood, but we’ll see.