Well . . . I Guess I Made It

I have no idea why I’m so tired.  Think I tried to wear more hats than my head was able to handle.  Too exhausted to list them, but I juggled a lo.  There was stuff with grad school, work, writing, parenting, blogging, and kind of health things.  Had a few low points emotionally due to the stress as well.  Nothing horrific or anything to worry about, but I felt sad for a bit.  At least I know the source of it.

Over the week, I saw many reports and articles about new books coming out.  Talking traditional publishers really.  It hit me the wrong way because I saw that the authors all fell into one of four categories:  Celebrity, Big name trad, Politician, or Somebody connected to a politician/celebrity.  I get it that these are popular areas, but it feels like these are the only types of books getting put out there with any attention.  Makes the whole gatekeeping and iron wall of the publishing world feel thicker than ever.  I lack the thousands of dollars to hurl at marketing, so I’m getting the ‘I failed’ thoughts again.  Struggling simply to write a book these days and my generation doesn’t do the ‘when I retire’ thing because few of us believe retirement is in our future.  With everything else coming my way, I worry that what little spark I have is about to be squashed.  How can an author be one if they don’t have the time to even think about ideas?

I think the steadily approaching graduate school thing is factoring into this.  As much as I want to be a teacher and need the degree for that, I always have that part wanting to be a full-time author.  Knowing I will have to put so much aside for 2 years kind of stings, especially since there may be complications.  From what I can tell, graduate school is designed more for people right out of undergraduate.  I’m 40 with a job in a school, a son, and life experience, so I feel out of place in a way.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m going to be doing it, but it’s going to be really hard to balance the blog, writing, parenting, working, and being a student.  The first two things will take a hit.  Even the mention of a semi-retirement made a massive dent in my blog traffic, so an actual semi-retirement might kill it completely.  I know blogging doesn’t bring sales, but I can’t see publishing a book without having this medium to do an announcement.  Could an author get anywhere simply by silently publishing one book after another?  Again, this feels like the universe doesn’t want me to tell my stories.

Yeah, I’m in a mood this week.  I had a lot of fun with my son when he wasn’t in school, but it was mostly playing in the inflatable pool and LEGO Harry Potter Years 5-7 on the Switch.  My back and shoulders got badly burned too even though I used sunscreen, but the pool isn’t in the shade.  Had to use a wooden ruler with a metal edge as a back scratcher at one point because I couldn’t take it any more.  That probably added to my surliness, which only comes out at night.  I want to write and work and play with my son and stop having things turn to crap in my hands.  As I’ve told a few people, I really just want to catch some kind of break somewhere.  Hard work can only get you so far because you inevitably hit a door that somebody needs to open for you.  Either through luck or they believe in you and have the ability to give you that break.  Eh, I’m back to ranting again, which is the theme of this post.

Look . . . I didn’t really do much aside from going through the motions.  I got one chapter of War of Nytefall: Anarchy written by using nights, but that was a freak accident and won’t happen again.  I’ll be back to needing weekends, so I probably won’t finish this until August.  That means Do I Need to Use a Dragon? (Fantasy Writing Tips) is going to be delayed for a while.  Here I thought I could write two books at once, but everything fell apart fairly quickly.  I don’t even get full weekends for a while because things keep coming up.  Being social even though I really just want to curl up with my laptop in my room.  Not having my shit together in life isn’t an excuse for avoiding those who are far ahead and able to relax.

Next week is back to a normal schedule, but I have a work day at the end.  Happy to go back even if it’s for a day because I miss that place.  Feeling useful is something that everyone wants.  Covid-19 has made it really difficult for many people to find this sense of purpose.  It’s disheartening and brutal because you can start to lose a sense of your humanity.  Many define themselves by what they can do and are depended on for because it means we’re part of a society.  Losing that brings about a feeling of being lost and that just opens the door for anxiety.  Of course, we can’t go rushing into the world as if nothing is wrong.  Everything is just so fucked up.  I made a Facebook post about the pandemic and it being a test of empathy.  Was happy that many people agreed with it and I didn’t attract any trolls.  Guess that’s the week’s victory.

Goals for the week?

  1. Fun with son.
  2. Finish setting up the September blog posts.
  3. Start on October blog posts if possible.  (Info on that tomorrow.)
  4. Write more War of Nytefall: Anarchy.
  5. Day of work.
  6. Get pizza before weekend.
  7. Try to improve my mood, but we’ll see.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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24 Responses to Well . . . I Guess I Made It

  1. jowensauthor says:

    I know how it is to be busy and how it cuts into your writing. I work two day jobs, so by the time I get home in the evening I’m too worn out to do any serious writing. And when I do think I might get back to my WIP, something comes up, either a Fiverr order or something on the homefront. I’m lucky to get a little story or something written on my blog now and then. One day I will get back to WIP, I think. I just need to figure out how.

    I hope things work out for you, and good luck with your schooling. We need more teachers.

    Like

    • Thanks. Been trying to figure it out for a while. A big source of frustration is that so many people are acting like I’m done with my ‘author stage’. It’s revealed how many people never had faith in me and were humoring me for a while. It feels like some are actively getting in the way when I try to get writing done too. I know spending 2 years with no new releases will be nails in my author coffin too. It’s nearly closed as it is, but that level of stop would make many who are lingering walk away. There’s no returning from that for me as far as I’m concerned.

      Keep in mind that I have nearly 100 stories in various states of outlines that all connect to Windemere. My plan was to create a big world of adventures. Every long period of delay makes that less of a possibility and I’m not happy with that. It isn’t a success to me if I leave most of my stories unwritten.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Modern media sells us on an idea of family and downtime that does not exist any longer in America. That makes it harder to accept our reality. We’re pulled from both ends – all the time. I couldn’t do this without adult children, but that small opening allowed for some writing time. I get the occasional weekend where my wife has to work, so I can do what I please until she gets home. With kids, that wouldn’t happen. In all honesty, getting a chapter done in a week is pretty good. You have to consider that many authors get less done. If you have to tone down things like the blog, just do it. I did, too, but I didn’t announce it and it hasn’t harmed me.

    Like

    • I think younger generations realize that the picture we’re given is no longer the norm. For many of us, it isn’t even attainable, which is was many of us are angry and bitter. From my generation, many feel lied to because we were raised believing hard work would get you that life, but then we found that it was manipulation and knowing the right people that did it. As far as my son goes, he’s the least likely distraction since I can do w few things after he goes to sleep.

      Sorry if this part comes off as mean, but I really don’t have to consider that many authors get less done. Many authors only have a few books they want to write. I’ve got nearly 100 that are almost all connected to create a vast world. My main goal has always been to erect Windemere throughout all of the series instead of just getting as far as society let’s me. The possibility of having to stop writing for at least 2 years is basically executing that dream. This dream seems to be something I have a lot of trouble explaining to others because they feel that I should be happy with whatever I get done. Nobody celebrates doing a fraction of a marathon when they trained and focused on doing the whole thing. As far as the blog goes, I announced it to let people know I’d be away for a bit, but I’d be back. I saw many people announce breaks and it felt like the respectful move instead of vanishing. To my surprise, many up and left right away even though the blogging continued daily.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m at that cusp generation. I feel the end, but it’s crumbling in my hands. At your age, 100 books is attainable, but you need the time to do it. I’ve managed three per year for two years, but it’s a killer with the full time job. Now if one my stories would go through the stratosphere, I might find a way to get more writing time.

        Like

      • That’s the thing. I need the time and I keep getting less and less. Come September I might not be able to write at all depending on my grad school workload. Last year I only did 1 book because of work, depression, and the divorce. Only reason I wrote about 4 this year is because the pandemic gave more time. Counting on global disasters to free up my schedule isn’t exactly a stable plan. At least it wasn’t until 2020.

        The past that frustrates is that my first few books did great. Then, it started winding down as things changed. Once ‘Legends’ ended, people wandered away instead of seeing what I had next. Several told me they weren’t into vampires even though ‘Nytefall’ is the same type of adventure series as ‘Legends’. So, I’m at a loss unless I junk everything else I had planned and cling my original story until people hate it. Not a good option.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I can tell you, as someone who bounces around, that it isn’t a good path either. I mostly write for myself these days and hope someone else might be interested. The financial cost of marketing is soul crushing, so I’ve backed off on a lot of that. I deserve this break time, and maybe some extra storyboards will help me move faster once I take it back up.

        Like

      • I’ve backed off on promoting too, but only because I really can’t afford it. I’m doing something in August with N.N. Light, so maybe I’ll work through them. They seem to be doing well and it’s affordable. I used 2019 as a break, slow year because I had to piece things together during the divorce. Now, it looks like I’ll be having to do it again and I’m just so tired of it. Been working towards being an author for 25 years with all of my ideas and craft evolution. Now, I’m routinely getting smacked down for even considering trying again.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Let me know if you find a promo that actually works. I’ve kind of given up looking. I found one that was hit and miss. When it hit it worked well, but it cost just as much when it missed.

        Like

      • I’ll let you know. There were some pricey ones I tried earlier in the year, but they didn’t get me anything. I’ve also learned that a lot of people who have reviews in their services can’t post them on Amazon anymore. That’s a massive blow to the spread because reviews are really hard to come by, especially with people doing ratings these days.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Agreed. BookBub may be small but it’s gaining clout. I also like the sharing buttons for reviews. I can toss them out across social media when I surf through there.

        Like

      • I keep forgetting about Bookbub. I’m on there, but I never figured out how to comfortably interact on there.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You really don’t. (That’s what I like about it) I load my books, try to gain followers, and they get announcements about my new releases. Plus the reviews, etc.

        Like

      • I should make it a point to go on there once a week.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Me, too. I tend to go by about once per month, and could do better.

        Like

  3. Well, you and Craig have this in hand so I’ll just say I hope you have a great week. Pizza sounds like a good idea to me.

    Like

  4. It probably doesn’t help much, but if it does… I actually think you’re doing well to juggle as much as you are and still retain at least the appearance you haven’t lost all sanity. Hang in there.

    Like

  5. Jennie says:

    There isn’t an easy answer. Juggling all the balls is really hard. I was invited to a writer’s workshop tonight hosted by the English professor at Lehigh, and he said you should commit to 500 words every day. He was outstanding in so many ways. You can do this, Charles. You are an awesome writer!

    Like

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