Smack on the Nose & Spritz with the Water Bottle

Wolverine

Wolverine

Angry heroes can really cause a mess.  It isn’t that they don’t know about hygiene or can’t figure out how to use a vacuum.  More that they lose control and attack the nearest person or object.  Yes, that hat rack your ancestor brought over on the Mayflower and its authentic Sears price tag is in danger.  I mean, you just can’t live with these people unless you have your affairs in order and rental insurance.  So, what can you do to make things bearable or even entertaining?

  1. Move to a new house.  Seriously, this is the easiest thing to do.  Let the angry hero trash the big mansion and you’ll enjoy your apartment.
  2. Barring the existence of a healing factor or some other reason the guy/gal can’t be injured, you can purchase a tranquilizer gun.  Just put him down with enough to knock out a bull elephant and make sure to have poison control on speed dial.  Most important thing here is to not tell the angry hero that you own a tranquilizer gun and make sure to be hiding when you tag him.  Never be around when he/she wakes up though.
  3. Record their rampages and play it back for them at a later date.  This won’t really get the point across, but you can use this as proof that they owe you for all of the furniture they broke.  If you do manage to shame them then take advantage of the opportunity and see if they’d be willing to stop destroying things.  Chances are that they won’t, but you can be happy that you tried.
  4. Set up a chore chart that adds more cleaning up to their side every time they make a mess.  They might think twice about taking their rage out on the kitchen over a stuck pickle jar if it means a third week of bathroom duty.  This has to be agreed upon too because just springing the system on them will result in you being tossed through a window.  Even worse will be the ‘I don’t do windows’ pun that follows.
  5. Keep all of your stuff locked in your room.  Cheap dishes and plasticware for the kitchen.  One-ply toilet paper and rough towels in the bathroom.  All furniture will be beach chairs and the table is something you picked up off the curb.  If this angry hero is about to go off again then let him.  Not like you care about anything . . . where did you put your grandmother’s urn again?
  6. Hire a live-in anger management person.  That way, you can go out without leaving your angry hero unsupervised.  There is no guarantee that he or she will calm down though.  In fact, you could make things worse with this tactic.  Still, it isn’t like your kneecaps will be the ones broken by the end of the week.
  7. Smack him on the nose with a sledgehammer or spritz him with a spray bottle full of vodka.  Neither will work, but it’ll be funny.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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23 Responses to Smack on the Nose & Spritz with the Water Bottle

  1. Brilliant. Does it also work with toddlers throwing tantrums?

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  2. No wonder Sheldon insists on a roommate agreement.

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  3. Reblogged this on Steve Boseley and commented:
    Having problems with a pesky hero with anger issues? Everything you need to know is here…

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  4. One ply toilet paper and neither will work but will be funny. Two of the funniest parts. Enjoyed it, Charles.

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  5. Reblogged this on Don Massenzio's Blog and commented:
    Do you know an angry hero? Charles Yallowitz brings us some ‘practical’ ways to deal with him or her from his Legends of Windemere blog

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  6. I’d try the moving part but most likely they’d get forwarded to the new address.

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  7. Pingback: Writing Links 2/13/17 – Where Genres Collide

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