7 Ways to Anger a God (Survival Not Guaranteed)

God from Monty Python

God from Monty Python

If you live in a world where gods and goddesses are around then you might want to know how to avoid angering them.  That isn’t this list.  Here we have 7 surefire ways to piss off a deity that has the temperament to show up at your door and turn you into a balloon animal.  Though warnings have been added to avoid responsibility.

  1. Let’s go with the obvious: peeing in their temple.  This is especially disrespectful with water deities.  I know it’s tough with all the waterfalls and trickling noises.  Just hold it in or ask where the bathroom is.  If the choices are between embarrassment or holy wrath then the first option is usually the best.
  2. Request for something bad to happen to the god you’re praying to.  It really doesn’t work that way.  Yes, it would be funny to see the God of War trip over his own foot in the middle of a battle.  That doesn’t mean you keep asking him to do it like he’s your personal circus clown.  We’re going to include requesting goddesses to have wardrobe malfunctions here too.
  3. Snack on the edible sacrifices and gifts that other patrons have left at the temple.  This is why you eat before going to pray.  Those grapes are tempting and the roasted cow smells delicious.  Not to mention there’s usually alcohol around for both sacrifice and holy ceremonies.  Still, it isn’t like this stuff will go to waste.  If the god or goddess doesn’t show up to eat then those who live in the temple do stuff with it.  This is basically theft and the victim probably has a history of vengeful acts.  How attached to your toes are you?
  4. Ask the goddesses to be your girlfriend, wife, servant, or concubine.  Do I really have to explain why this is a bad idea?  Let’s be fair and admit that it isn’t a good idea to do this to the gods either.
  5. Declare a holy war against a deity and their followers.  Now this might seem like an obvious mistake, but it takes a lot of work.  You need to follow proper desecration protocols and pick a flashy symbol for your army.  Just kidding.  Break a few temples, kill some of the priests, and then you have an enraged immortal baring down on you like you’re the dinosaur who happened to be standing where the asteroid hit.  Come on, we all know there had to be one really luckless bastard on that one.
  6. Say the wrong name when praying.  You thought saying the wrong name during sex was bad?  At least your girlfriend/wife doesn’t hurl lightning or turn people into earthworms.  Then again, she might if you live in Windemere.
  7. Claim to be a god or goddess of something that is already taken.  This one takes time because you need to build up a following.  Best to learn some magic or set up some miracles to gain influence.  Within a few years, you’ll be on the verge of replacing your target within the pantheon.  Then, you’ll be killed.

Make Gabriel and the other gods of Windemere happy by checking out their hard work in Charms of the Feykin!

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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10 Responses to 7 Ways to Anger a God (Survival Not Guaranteed)

  1. Clever post. You’re bound to turn a few heads with this one.

    Like

  2. N. N. Light says:

    LOL! Actually, I’ve been known to nibble on some sacrifices here and there. I swear it was the fatty part. 😉

    Like

  3. Number 2 and 7 are interesting and even related in a way according to a story I heard. Have you heard of Joe, God of clumsy warfare? It seem many years ago, a man named Joe got hit on the head and decided he was a god, now he was only interested in war movies, so naturally he wanted to be the God of war.
    Smite All, the god of war, wasn’t too happy with Joe and challenged Joe and his followers to a big battle, winner takes all.
    The battle went poorly for poor Joe, until he tripped up get his shoelace and his spear hurled through the air and slew Smite All. Being immortal, Smite All didn’t really die, but a few other gods got together and crowned Joe the God of Clumsy Warfare.
    Great list

    Like

  4. #8, A divine being comes to you with a mission or quest. Refuse to take it. Run away, mock them, whatever… And there you are.

    Like

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