7 Signs You Are a Henchman

Posted on March 22, 2016 by Charles Yallowitz
Stormtroopers

Stormtroopers

Not much of an introduction is needed for this.  The title basically says it all.  Though I will say that it looks like the 2nd Stormtrooper from the left is staring at me.  Creepy.

  1. You are wearing the same thing as the people around you.  The uniform might be tailored to your body, but it’s the same color scheme and accessories.  Not like the people barking orders at you and their unique clothing.  On the plus side, getting laundry mixed up doesn’t cause too much of a problem, especially with socks.
  2. Nearly half of your daily duties involve standing around and pretending to look busy. If you’re on guard duty then you also have to daydream.  Orders say that any loud noises should be either ignored or result in you revealing your position.  No guards are allowed to hide because one guy happened to fall asleep at his post ten years ago and a hero got in faster than expected.
  3. All of your training was done by reading a pamphlet and getting yelled at by somebody in a more colorful uniform.  That person has long since been killed for incompetence, which makes you wonder why he was a trainer.  It does explain why the most common suggestion in firearms training was ‘point the gun at the thing’.
  4. You have a name, but none of your coworkers call you by it.  Everyone uses numbers and you’re pretty sure nobody actually has a designation.  It’s whoever reacts first or the higher ups point at while spouting numbers.  You go along with it and are just waiting for the day your boss realizes how foolish he sounds.  Preferably when somebody else is standing nearby to be punished.
  5. There is no retirement package beyond a promise that you will be taken care of.  It never crossed your mind due to the amazing health and dental plans.  Not to mention all funeral costs are taken care of for you and your family.  They also pay for your uniform, weapons, food, board, and training, so it isn’t like you have to spend your salary.  This job is pretty sweet in that way.  Not to mention Tortellini Tuesday, Casual Under Your Uniform Friday, and Sundae Sunday.
  6. You have a list of names and faces that you have to watch out for if you’re on guard duty.  Orders are to shout at and shoot wildly in their direction, which you guess is because a death on the premises would be annoying paperwork.  Though they are labeled as heroes, which is odd.  Not to mention this James Bond guy has 6 different pictures, so you can’t be certain that HR isn’t messing with you.
  7. This is the 10th time this month you’ve been told to throw a bag full of ground beef into the incinerator.  No idea why somebody keeps putting badges with the letters OSHA on it in there either.
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About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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22 Responses to 7 Signs You Are a Henchman

  1. Lucy Brazier's avatar PorterGirl says:
    March 22, 2016 at 10:20 am

    It is my dream to be a henchaman. Henchwoman. Hench…person? Damn this political correctness.

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  2. coldhandboyack's avatar coldhandboyack says:
    March 22, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    This one cracked me up. Tortellini Tuesday would be enough for me to sign up.

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  3. allthoughtswork's avatar allthoughtswork says:
    March 22, 2016 at 2:14 pm

    This is why my friend quit Intel.

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  4. John W. Howell's avatar John W. Howell says:
    March 22, 2016 at 2:36 pm

    This is laugh out loud funny. I enjoyed the special days. I could just see looking forward to tortellini Tuesday.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. C.E.Robinson's avatar C.E.Robinson says:
    March 22, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    Laughing out loud, Charles! ” No idea why somebody keeps putting badges with the letters OSHA on it (bag full of ground beef).” That would be me! 💛 Elizabeth

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  6. Adele Marie's avatar adeleulnais says:
    March 23, 2016 at 3:20 am

    Nope definitely not a henchman.

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  7. Don Massenzio's avatar Don Massenzio says:
    March 23, 2016 at 10:26 am

    Love it, but now you have to follow up with 7 signs that you’re a minion.

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  8. Nicholas C. Rossis's avatar Nicholas C. Rossis says:
    March 23, 2016 at 10:45 am

    Lol – brilliant 😀

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