Welcome to Olde Shoppe! No, we spelled those words that way on purpose to be funny and whimsical. Obviously we failed, but paint is in short supply these days. Don’t step on the roaches, buddy. The big ones will take offense and there goes one of your boots . . . along with the foot inside it. Now you seem to have a nice bag of goods to trade and the look of a man who knows not to ask how I got my wares. Oh, I guess you came from the west if you saw the delivery truck leaving. So, what do you need?
Yup, we’ve got food of all kinds. Fruit and vegetables that will last until tomorrow just came in from the local farms. Might not look like much, but they won’t turn your stomach if you eat them quickly. Though I don’t recommend the berries. The sign says blueberries, but I’m sure they aren’t supposed to smell like that. I’ve got a large assortment of dried meats too. Chicken, beef, goat, turkey, pork, venison, raccoon, rabbit, and the mystery meat that’s cheap. I promise it’s not human and I’ve been told that it brings back memories to school cafeteria food. Canned foods and cookies, huh? Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re adventurous with your meals.
Bullets are hard to find, but I think I saw a box of shotgun shells in the back. All of the weapons we have are loaded, so you can pick up a few pistols to keep the bullets and trade them at the next place. Just don’t tell anybody I suggested it. Yeah, machine guns are popular, but I have to be honest with you. Most people you meet with one of those things can’t even spell the word ‘aim’ and you can easily shoot them to take it for yourself. I see you eyeing that body armor. Military grade and worn only once by me because I wanted to make sure the straps work. There’s a manual somewhere around here. It was in a drawer, but the roaches moved it to the cabinet over there. They like to organize things.
That’s all you want? Let me give you some help with supplemental stuff because you won’t last long with only food and guns. I mean, you’ll get far, but you’re fucked if you face anyone with a brain. With everything you’re giving me, I can include a flashlight with batteries, a canteen that isn’t held together by duct tape, boots that match, a pair of pants that isn’t open in the front, an outdated map of Nebraska, and a Swiss Army knife. Why would you need that last part? It has a can opener and you’re buying a bunch of canned goods. How did you plan on eating without it? That’s why you wanted so many bullets. Well I have to admit that’s a new one on me. Maybe I should throw a helmet in just to be safe. No, I guess you wouldn’t get that joke.
That’s all I have to offer and I sense you’re ready to leave. Now if you’ll just follow me here, we can finish our trade. Again, try not to step on the . . . Oh . . . Guess you’ll only be needing the one boot now.