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So you’re an author and about to go on a business trip. Sort of. Most people think of those things as suits, ties, boardrooms, and numbers. You’re hitting a cabin or somewhere to get your ideas on paper in piece. Oh, you’re using a laptop? Then the screen. Still I recommend bringing a notebook along to be safe. You never know when a soda will spill, an update will cause a crash, or a machine will simply decide it doesn’t want to live anymore. So, what can I put in your Author Survival Kit?
Let’s start with the less remembered necessities. Soap, shampoo, towel . . . Trust me that you’ll want to bathe while you’re away. If you’re body odor gets bad enough that it makes your own eyes water then understand that nothing alive will want to be near you. Yes, those things come in raspberry-scented and we do have strawberry deodorant, but it isn’t a big seller. Toothbrush and toothpaste are in this little pack along with a shaving kit that is gender neutral. It’s a razor and basic shaving cream. Nothing fancy since you’re going there to write.
Now we’ll need to pack you a menu. Do you have a kitchen? No, but you will have a fridge. Then you’ll need cold foods and drinks. For that we’ll give you this highly versatile . . . coupon for the supermarket down the block. Seriously, there’s nothing unique about food and you have more important things to worry about than cooking. Unless you’re writing a cookbook. Then you probably should have gone somewhere with a kitchen or at least a hotpot.
Now you said a computer, so I’ll give you the Paperless Package. A small thumb drive with one of our great, bootleg designs such as Iron Superhero, Spider-Person, My Small Horse, and Killer Robot From the Future. That last one does have a habit of making partial copies of data and causing irreparable damage to continuity. We’re just trying to get them out of the store and the government won’t let us destroy them. Now you have a laptop and charger, so I’ll give you a nice backpack to put everything in. They come in three colors, which are blue, gray, and the Elton John design. That last one comes in very handy if you have to walk around at night.
Guess that’s it. You expected more help? Well you’re Mr. High Tech, No Paper. Did you notice the rows of pens, pencils, erasers, notebooks, cork boards, quills, inkwells, markers, post-its, staplers, and everything else you’d find in an office supply store? Funny you should ask how we stay in business with the wave of technology. Here’s the last room for the final piece of your author kit . . . Yes, I know it’s a giant liquor store. So do you want a Hemingway or Poe addition to your package?
Legends of Windemere 
Awesome! I’ve recently been compared to both Hemingway (It’s the beard) and Poe. Maybe I’ll have one of each. That green fairy gets me in trouble though.
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Actually had to check to see where I wrote about a green fairy. My brain is not working on all thrusters today. Think I’ll have one of each too. Though all I have in the house is vodka and a few bottles of Redd’s Apple Ale. Maybe I’ll get a Yallowitz, which is a collection of the small bottles you see behind the counter.
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Sorry. I’ve written about the Green Fairy a time of two. That’s an absinthe reference, so I made her real.
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That makes a lot of sense now. I’ve only had Absinthe once and wasn’t a big fan. Tasted like really strong licorice.
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That’s exactly right. Really isn’t my thing, but it’s fun to write about.
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I have one friend who loves it. The rest are either indifferent or hate it. Guess you could say that about every alcohol.
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I’ll take an author kit, but without the razor. But could you add a Robin McKinley to it instead of a Poe or a Hemingway? I believe that would mean adding a hound and some flowers from a garden.
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So no shaving equipment and you’ll probably want to visit the pet shop and florist. Don’t have the licenses to have animals here. We used to have a monkey, but he got into the rum section and now he writes bad erotic.
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Can do! And I’m sure what the monkey wrote is better than a lot of the stuff out there. Fifty Shades of Ateles Geoffroyi.
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He’s using a pen name and I’ll leave it at that.
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Do you have any kind of magic chant to talk a computer out of committing suicide? I will take the Elton John backpack. It’ll come in handy at the Hell’s Angles convention
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Buy a few more for your new friends. I think we have a matching helmet too. As for the magic chant . . . best we can do is the Computer Funeral Kit. Our engineers and wizards are good, but there are some things that are beyond us. The fragility of computers is one of them. Wouldn’t be a problem if those companies hired gnomes!
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I think I’ll get it drunk and raise the morale.
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It’s a vodka night for me. 🙂
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YAY
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Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog.
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Thanks for the reblog.
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Welcome Charles – Nice post 😀
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Always take a small notebook with me, Charles – you never know when an idea will strike!
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I try to remember that. Doesn’t always work, but I have a notepad thing on my phone. As long as the kid doesn’t see me, I can usually get stuff jotted down.
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Reblogged this on theowlladyblog.
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Thanks for the reblog.
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