The Ending Emporium

Welcome to the Ending Emporium where you can find the perfect ending to your story.  If you started at my sister’s Beginning Bazaar then you’re eligible for our 15% epilogue discount.  No, we’re not associated with the Midpoint Market, but we are friendly with the owner.  Hostile corporate takeover?  Do I look like a guy who would play that game?  I don’t know what you mean by evil sparkle in my eyes.  Anyway, what kind of ending are you looking for?

Ah, you’ll need our multiple plot line package, which call the Return of the King special.  It will cover three romantic subplots, the main action plot, a sealing of the doors, and give closure to a maximum of seven characters.  It’ll be an extra fifty dollars for every added character with a deal of three for ninety dollars.  You don’t need that?  Okay, well you can add it if you find yourself wanting to close up a few plot holes.  We’ll get more into our warranty program later.

What’s a sealing of the doors?  That’s where you give a closing to the overall world.  It doesn’t mean that the world ends unless that’s what you want.  Simply a pleasant ending that makes the reader feel like things will continue in peace for the rest of eternity or until you need to pay bills again.  I always suggest ending on a peaceful celebration or the old age of the fan favorite character.  If you insist on being dark then you can end it with a funeral and the creation of a memorial.  Just be careful that you don’t leave too much open or it feels sloppy.

Let’s take care of your romantic subplots.  All of these are put in an epilogue chapter instead of the plot climax.  Stop giggling at that word, Marcus!  We have marriage, divorce, dating, engagement, breaking up, death, betrayal, awkward silence, and growing old together without showing a wedding scene.  We’re working on a new one where the characters are shown reuniting in a future life or in the afterlife.  It only works for certain stories, but we think it’ll be very popular when we roll it out.  Would you like to give it a test run with a free replacement if it doesn’t work out?  Not having established reincarnation or an afterlife might be a problem, but you can always write those things in with a few clips of dialogue.  Just think about it while we continue.

I’d stay behind the line while we examine the action endings.  These aren’t part of the epilogue, but you mentioned have a big fight scene that ends the quest.  First, you need to decide on location.  I recommend the witch’s throne room given your story.  Put in a fireplace, large windows, and . . . you want it to be cheery?  I guess we can put our Spoiled Princess Bedroom set into your package.  Not sure how serious a fight this will be with throw pillows, perfume, and dresses all over the place.  That’s the death blow you were thinking of?  Well, I guess it can work.  Seems you have this already figured out, so I’m not sure you need my help here.  Are you a spy for the Midpoint Market?  Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t admit to that.

I’ll send you off with Susie to do the details, but let’s go over warranties first.  Your package contains two plot hole repairs, but only issues that are caused by the endings.  I can upgrade you to the next level where ten plot holes can be fixed.  Well of course Midpoint Market gives you more.  They’re the middle of the story where more plot holes can be found and, quite honestly, those people do shoddy work.  I saw one series where they kept having the good guys gain a new weapon only for the villain to already be immune to it.  I ask you, how does that happened five times in a row while the villain only shows up for that failed attack?  I would double check what they gave you.  No, I’m not trying to sabotage their business and cause them to go bankrupt.  I’m only interested in endings and my sister is only interested in beginnings.  What would . . . Yes, I do have another sibling.  Why do you ask?

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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19 Responses to The Ending Emporium

  1. Brilliant! Seriously, this is one of my favourite posts by you ever. Really funny, and I could totally imagine going to this place and having my ear talked off by the slimy salesman.

    Like

  2. ioniamartin says:

    Somehow I now expect oompah-loompahs.

    Like

  3. Jack Flacco says:

    Nicely done, Charles! Funny and smart all at the same time. Hard to get that balance, but you’ve done it with this post! Love it in its entirety!

    Like

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