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Welcome to ‘Ye Fresh Grocer’ where everything is fresh and delicious. All products are replaced after three days. We either donate them to charity or feed them to the goat packs that prowl the night. Actually, that reminds me of something. Excuse me while I use the intercom. EVERYONE, ONE HOUR UNTIL NIGHT! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO JULIUS LAST WEEK WHEN HE TOOK TOO LONG! Poor guy was devoured along with his steaks, peppers, and a watermelon. Like I said, we have a goat problem. So, what can I help you with?
We are known for our wide variety of produce. Everything is delivered by magic portal, so we get it directly off whatever it is they grow on. There are grapes, oranges, apples, various nuts, and anything you can think of. Yes, we just got a shipment of Lycan Berries this morning. We don’t have a full moon for a while, so you have plenty of time to use them before they turn toxic. You want them to be toxic? Are you sure you want to be talking to a grocer? Assassins Emporium is down the block. True, that is the first place your enemies would look. I’ll get you some of the berries. A fanged cabbage too, but you’ll have to use that in the next three days.
I’m guessing you want some dangerous cereal like Poison Frosted Flakes or something with bran in it. Fruit Rings? Those aren’t lethal, so . . . I do agree that an assassin is allowed to indulge in sugary children cereals. We have a sale where you buy three boxes of cereal and get a gallon of milk free. It only covers mermaid, dragon, goat, and camel milk. All others are half off because of shortages.
I need to ask what you’re planning. Not that! The type and location of the meal. No sense in selling you a cheese wheel when you’re going to be out in the sun all day. You ever smell cheese that’s been out for too long? You’ll get a kobold infestation in no time. Those buggers are hard to get rid of because they breed like termites. So no on the dairy products and yes to breads and meats. Let’s take a look at the butcher then.
I’d be remiss if I don’t try to convince you to buy some freshly slaughtered goat. Think of every bite as avenging our fallen friends. Allergic to goat? Then I suggest you move out of the area. As for meats, we restock every morning from our underground storage units. We built the store over an ice cavern, which is perfect for keeping meats, frozen foods, and the ice golems that guard the store after closing. We recently brought up some troll filets, which are a little tough. Marinate them for three days in a strong sauce and they’ll be perfect. I do warn you that troll meat slowly regenerates as you eat it, so you have to eat rather swiftly. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself full after not making a dent in it. What about the meat once ingested? It’s fine unless you have an ulcer. Then you might wake up with a bad case of Trollism, which is curable within the first day.
So, anything else I can get for you? Seems like you have an interesting meal set up to either celebrate or crush your enemies. Do you want any desserts? Cream puffs. You are an odd, sweet-toothed assassin.
Legends of Windemere 
This was amazing and had me chuckling so much! 😀
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Thanks. Always glad to hear when these posts make people laugh. 😀
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My favourite concept was the prowling goats.
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Always fun to run with something that randomly pops into my head. 🙂
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Indeed. It’s the funnest. 🙂
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Haha! I can do without the troll, and I actually love goat…so I guess I could live there. The Jamaicans and Haitians have a variety of dishes I enjoy.
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Troll isn’t too bad if you prepare it correctly. 🙂
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Very entertaining, during the first few lines I thought this was going to be a serious piece, but then…oh stupid me, I should have known better than that. Well done sir. 🙂
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Thanks. These always start so seriously and then man-eating goats show up to start the chaos. 🙂
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Do you have any pomegranate ice cream? I sure could go for a scoop before killing off a character. Funny post
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I’m sure we have some, but you might have to wrestle a polar bear to get to it. The freezer section has gone a little wild since we upped the air conditioning. Don’t worry though. The bear is under strict rules not to eat the customers. Just a light mauling to shoplifters and harmless knocking around for others. One rap on the nose should make him back off though. That’s what the circulars are really for.
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LOL. I wondered since the circulars have the same prices as everyday. Bear Bop I get it.
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Just remember that they don’t do anything to stop the feral goats. Those things are a true menace.
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I once was faced with a herd of feral goats in a dark alley in Detroit. Lucky for me there were plenty of discarded beer cans to keep them at bay.
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Thank god for the refuse of wandering winos.
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Now you’re talking about a subject I truly love–FOOD! I love goat. We have it every chance we get and we serve it with Greek tzaziki sauce (I think that’s how you spell it–I’m too lazy to google it). But anyway, it’s great how it’s all so good with all sorts of side orders, especially veggies. Great post, Charles!
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That spelling looks right. I’ve never had goat. What does it taste like?
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It really is good. It has an outdoorsy, thick flavor. Takes some getting used to, but once you try it, beef becomes tasteless by comparison.
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I’ll have to try it some day then.
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Think I’ll pass on the troll fillets. 🙂
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They’re not a big seller. 😦
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