Welcome to Ye Olde Bakery: Cakes Are Fresh, Bakery is Olde

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(Yes, I agree the guy who writes these ‘Shop Skits’ should make a category for them.  Must be the old age and a sense of laziness.  What?  Get on with the post and stop breaking the fourth wall?  Fine, but you really should look into that category, boss.  Maybe it’ll be there by the time this goes live.)

Welcome, young man!  What can I get for you?  Ah, a birthday cake for your mother is one of our specialties.  She’s an immortal Elf Queen . . . Well, we’re always up for a challenge here.  Just write down the particulars like flavor, colors, and message.  Any special decorations?  Head of the Orc that killed your father?  We’ve got a lot of fondant in the back, so give me a picture and I’ll see what I can do.  I’ll put some green icing in the thing to imitate the blood since I have a feeling that would go over well with your family.

Do you want to hunt your own cake?  I see you’re confused, so I’ll explain.  This is a magical bakery where all of our products are free range.  We make them in the Ovens of Pinocus and let them roam around the forest out back.  What if the animals eat them?  I admit we lose a few cupcakes and rolls from time to time.  For the most part, the products are left alone now that the animals know he danger.  We still check every product to make sure they’re clean and they haven’t eaten a rabbit or something.  Unless you want that type of filling.  No?  Then grab one of those lightning wands and come along.

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Yahoo Image Search

As you can see we gave them plenty of room to roam with a forest to give them shade and a river for them to keep moist.  We don’t add the icing and decorations until we get them inside and de-animate them. Simple procedure that will cause no damage to your cake.  Now, you wanted silver velvet, which is one of the rarer breeds.  I think they stay around the eastern flower beds and hide among the vanilla wedding cakes.  If we’re lucky, we’ll find a big one.  If not then I’ll let you take two and we’ll tier them.  Yes, I’ll put the the head between the tiers and make it look like jaws are crushing it.  You’re not letting this thing go.  By the way, watch out for the eclairs because they spit and that goop can attract the muffin herds.  Not dangerous unless you’re allergic to whatever breed shows up, but it would force us back into the bakery where we have to clean up.

Here we go and there’s a nice-sized silver velvet right there.  See it lurking in the tall grass?  You can catch it by the shimmer from the sun.  Just go over there and zap it until it stops fighting back.  Your mother would be happier if you do it than some old baker with a bum leg.  What injured my leg?  Nothing.  I hit it on a table corner this morning and it still hurts.

Now go get that cake!  You can do it, kid.  Don’t show any fear and stay on your toes.  Watch out for the chocolate layer cake on your left!  Uh-oh.  Hey, Cal!  We have any ‘Sorry for your Loss’ cakes out here?

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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46 Responses to Welcome to Ye Olde Bakery: Cakes Are Fresh, Bakery is Olde

  1. K. A. Brace says:

    Charles this was really good. I can tell you’re from Long Island. >KB

    Like

  2. K. A. Brace says:

    Reblogged this on The Mirror Obscura and commented:
    Charles Yalowitz is a writer of Fantsy Fiction and an industrious serious writer. But every now and then he needs to take a break from the more serious side of literesture and this is one of those happy events. Please direct your “Likes and Comments” back to Charles’ site. Thanks >KB

    Like

  3. K. A. Brace says:

    Hope you don’t mind. I thought it was that good. >KB

    Like

  4. Sue Vincent says:

    Cool 🙂 After a morning spent wrestling with a cake I appreciate making it out of the kitchen alive now 😀

    Like

  5. Oloriel says:

    I sem to ahve forgotten the exact date of your birthday, so I am wishing you a HAPPY BIRtHDAY now! (If I am late, damn! If I am not hooray!)

    Like

  6. Too funny, Charles – nice job!

    Like

  7. LOL on the “sorry about your loss cake.” This was really fun.

    Like

  8. L. Marie says:

    Ha ha! All you have to do is mention cake and I’m all ears. I wouldn’t mind a silver velvet cake myself.

    Like

  9. sknicholls says:

    LOL…Growing cakes! I wish it was the easy. Too much fun!

    Like

  10. Loved this! Cakes, fantasy and humour – three of my favourite things combined! TDx

    Like

  11. Pingback: Happy birthday | Daily Echo

  12. Kirsten says:

    LOL! Now that’s a true gift of imagination you’ve got going Birthday Boy!! Did you have cake on your mind or what?!? This was fabulous!

    Like

  13. Pingback: Wedding Palace: If You Have the Vows, We Have the Wows | Legends of Windemere

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