Interview by a Vampire: Dracula & Eddie

(This is a fun project that Ionia and I have been plotting for weeks.  We finally find the time and focus to put it together.  Enjoy.)

Dracula from Castlevania & ‘Eddie’


After the first Dracula Vs. the modern vampire post, things seemed a bit unsettled. So it is time for a rematch. Same vampires as before, except the always entertaining Charles Yallowitz is now joining in on the fun. Not that we would ever banter back and forth. Please welcome Dracula and “Eddie.” No, I don’t mean Munster.

Eddie:  leans back in chair and makes smoldering look that bears more of a resemblance to constipation

Dracula: Forgive me, I am still learning social media and this blogggging thing it is new to my generation.

Eddie:  I’m surprised your creaky generation could use a doorknob much less a computer, old man.

Dracula: Excuse me did you not even take the time to introduce yourself before you began with your feeble attempts at an insult?  I will do it for you. This here is shparkles and he is a supporter of the skinny jeans society.

Eddie:  The woman already introduced us and we’ve met before.  You weren’t too nice last time.

Dracula: Oh pardon my manners then. I did not know vampires were supposed to be “Nice.”

Eddie:  Of course we do.  It’s no longer about baring our fangs and drinking blood.  We have to fit in now.  Not like those barbaric times when you hypnotized and turned a wife. Getting women is more . . . human now.

Dracula: You call that angry string bean you are with a woman?

Dracula: I have seen more meat in a vegan restaurant.

Eddie:  Hey!  That’s my wife . . . who I thought was another vampire when we first met. She barely had a pulse, so I was confused.

Dracula: I’m surprised you weren’t confused about her gender.

Dracula: Why do you dress like that? Where is your cape?

Eddie:  The gender was easy to figure out.  You hide in the bushes or shadows around her until you hear something said that tells you the gender.  It’s easier if you hide outside the girls’ locker room.  I prefer the roof by the air conditioner vents.

Dracula: That is just creepy.

Eddie:  Like I’m the first vampire to troll a high school.  Teenage girls are suckers for the undead.  What is with you and capes anyway?  You realize that walking around with a cape makes you stand out.  People don’t walk around with capes any more outside of a comic convention.

Dracula: Capes are proper. You cannot be a vampire without one. it is written into the code. Now you young whippersnappers wear your underwear above your pants and your capes have vanished. How are we to take you seriously?  You couldn’t frighten a toddler.

Eddie: You couldn’t frighten . . . a baby.

Dracula: I don’t like to frighten babies. I am not desperate enough to need an easy target. You couldn’t successfully order a Mcblood from a drive thru

Eddie: Really?  A McDonald’s joke?  Do you even know how a drive thru works? I’m surprised they let you take the horse and buggy through there.

Dracula: I have a pink motor scooter I stole from your friend, the wolf.

Eddie: Don’t even get me started on that pedophile.  Can’t believe I have that creeper for a son-in-law. All that time making the perfect vampire bride and my reward is a flea-ridden werewolf in the family.

Dracula: Finally we agree on something. Although his abdominal muscles are quite impressive. More so that yours. You are just a bit pasty

Eddie:  First, you look in a mirror lately?  Oh, sorry, you can’t.  Second, I can’t do anything about the abs.  I could spend all day benchpressing a buick and I’d be stuck like this.  Undead can’t bulk up.

Dracula: I am not vain enough to stand around listening to pop music all day and smoothing my hair in a looking glass. “Hit me baby one more time…” Where did that come from?  Nice excuse did you think of that one all day?

Eddie:  You just use the same widow’s peak from the Dark Ages.  A mirror would be wasted on you.  I have no idea about that song.  I’m not from that generation either.  I think it had to do with watching music videos without the sound on.

It didn’t take me all day to think of it . . . my wife did.

Dracula: You are just jealous that I have made billions with a super empire and you barely got an action figure. My legend will live on sissy ass.

Eddie:  Really?  You see some of the movies you show up in?  You’re an abused cliche.  I was original.

Dracula: The only thing original about you was that you used a new bottle of hair spray every scene. You anger me. I would be very cautious.

Eddie: You don’t scare me, old fang.  I can take you out with a table leg, a cross, holy water, a used garlic press, and so many other things.  You’re so weak.  I’m basically unbeatable since I’m faster and strong than you.

Dracula: Which one of these comic book vampires do you think you are talking to. Look at the Eddie doll. Pull my finger? Really that is what your doll says? Not blaaah blahh blaaah or I’v come to suck your blooood. But pull my finger?

Eddie: Now that you mention it, why do you sound like a guy who is trying to get a foul taste out of his mouth?  Blaaaaah blahh blaaah sounds like you’re about to throw up.

Dracula: I think you meant Blog blog bloggggs.  Show some respect to your elders. You are barely out of Vampers.

Eddie:  Somebody has been spending all night coming up with bad vampire puns.  Didn’t you have a manservant to do that?

Dracula: Do not make me call in reinforcements. You are all my unwitting servants.

Eddie: Who are you going to call in?  The Mummy?  Your own Wolfman?

Dracula: Oh Clyde….

*Strong hand grabs Eddie by the head and squeezes hard*

Clyde: Hello, glow stick.  I’ve been wanting to get my hands on your genre-murdering carcass for a while now.

Dracula: Tee hee

Eddie: You don’t scare me. Who are you anyway? *Shaking*

Dracula: Garlic press he said.

Clyde: A vampire waiting for his time.  I have to wait for people to forget about you before I appear.  *Lifts Eddie off the chair*

Eddie: You don’t have a film series too, do you?  Hey man…that kind of hurts…I’m sure we can work this out

Clyde:  Books, but give me time.  By the way, I think my second-in-command is having some fun with what’s left of your wife.  She got in our way.  A vampire showing pain?

Eddie: reasona *gulp* bly. It is not pain it is….it is

Clyde:  Is this guy really a big vampire?  He’s more like a Buffy extra.

Dracula: *Snort*  These sinuses are terrible. Must be dillweed

Eddie: I’m sorry man…I didn’t mean nothin. I didn’t mean to s s s say…

Clyde: It isn’t what you said.  I just don’t like you.  Any requests, Dracula?

Dracula: Finish it and let’s go get a bloody mary. Be done with this filth. He is a disgrace to our kind.

Clyde: You’re the boss on this one.  I doubt he’ll be any fun to play with for long.

Dracula: Save his head though. I have always wanted one of those sparkly disco balls for the rear view mirror of the Dragula.

Clyde: You got it.  *Pulls Eddie’s head off with a twist*

Dracula: He looks oddly better that way.

Clyde: He’s definitely less annoying.  Did he know how to use a comb?

Dracula: Shall we go catch up then my old friend?  What is all that greasy stuff on his head? Nevermind that thing would stink up my pimped out ride.

Clyde: I got some time to kill.  I’m saving his wife for later.  She seemed to be the tougher, so I might get some fun with her.  I’m guessing she was the strong one.

Dracula: There will be others. They never learn. Teenagers, honestly.  Two bloody marys bartender…extra bloody and hold the celery.

Clyde: And a side of hot wings.

Dracula: What do they mean by Hooters?

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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12 Responses to Interview by a Vampire: Dracula & Eddie

  1. L. Marie says:

    Oh my word! That is the most hilarious thing ever! “Barely out of Vampers”!!! So clever!!! I hope you guys will write more!


  2. sknicholls says:

    I just want to know when you two plan to publish a collaborative book? RTFL!


  3. Pingback: My zombies aren’t dead. They’re sick, angry and hungry. | This Plague of Days

  4. You two are hilarious when collaborating. Love it!


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