Hatter M from Looking Glass Wars
Welcome, potential customers! My name is Bartholomew and I will be helping you today with your purchases. All of our . . . I’m sorry, but Mack is far too busy to handle the day-to-day operations. Somebody needs to keep us stocked in supplies such as ribbons, felt, leather, feathers, souls of the deceased, pins, glue, and those crinkly flowers that go so well on bonnets. Oh, the feathers threw you off? Well, you don’t need to include those if you don’t want them. Although, I will point out that we have a sale on peacock and dinosaur feathers. It’s buy one and get a coupon for the cafe down the block. They have excellent biscotti there.
I see, it’s the souls of the deceased that has you worried. Well, we can’t very well use the souls of the living because that’s cruel, inhuman, and illegal since we didn’t get the correct licensing. Forgot to sign the fifth paragraph of page eighteen and we can’t try again for another thirty years. Anyway, we work with what we have and that includes souls of the deceased. You didn’t think we were lying about the haunted part, did you? It even says so on the window that every hat is possessed by a spirit that you choose from our inventory. Yes, we do have a return policy in case you run into . . . issues. Now, let’s begin making your hat.
May I recommend a nice wide-rimmed hat since it’s summer. That will help protect your face from the sun and you appear to be very pale. Sure, a cowboy hat can work and this is a strange enough city that you won’t get many odd looks. I’m sorry, but I don’t have time for television, so that reference went over my head. Speaking of heads, I think you would look very nice in a Gambler’s Hat, which comes in your basic colors. If you want leather then it’s really only brown and black, but we have more shades in felt. Brown leather will do nicely, so just let me measure you.
Do you want any accessories on your hat? Beads and pins are possibly, but we can include other items. For example, we have a sweatband that we sew into the inside and it releases a faint cologne if it senses that you’re starting to smell. It gives you a small beep to close your eyes because it can sting for a minute or two. No permanent blindness since we changed the formula. We also have a GPS unit that connects to ear piece and will react to your words. It’s mostly for online shopping and directions, but it is becoming one of our biggest sellers. Yes, there is the possibility of you accidentally ordering ridiculous items, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to return them. People are starting to know about our products causing such accidents. A glow-in-the-dark spider pattern on the front? That can be done with ease.
Finally, what kind of spirit do you want possessing your hat? This person will become your friend and act as a guardian. Depending on the soul, your hat will display some powers. Going by the hat type, you can gain some help with gambling if you choose a spirit with that experience. Others are former warriors who will urge you into battle and there is a new shipment of seducers for all lifestyles. Nothing helps with the dating scene like a ghost whispering in your ear. A hunter spirit? For somebody who was shocked about our business, you sure picked a specific and difficult breed. Mack will have to do a special order and there will an extra waiver. Please note that hunter spirits can get bored easily and you need to use them at least once every three days. Otherwise, you might find your hat on somebody else’s head or that you are being possessed to wander the night in search of prey. Still determined? Very well then.
I guess that’s everything since cowboy hats aren’t as complicated as other styles. We do expect half of the payment up front, especially with your new friend. No, you can’t request someone specific. That brings up some questions that we have no legal interest in handling at this time. Now then, here is the paperwork and your biscotti coupon. I know it says for anything, but I’m telling you that you have to try the biscotti. It’s simply to die for . . . What do you mean that was eerie?
Gwen Plano 
Ernie Patterson stopped into a Dunkin’ Donuts on Market Street in Philadelphia for his usual, a large regular coffee and a coffee roll. It wasn’t exactly the breakfast of champions, but at 82, he had resigned himself to eating whatever he wanted. Back in 1977, when he had ballooned up to…
Beem Weeks 
Karen Ingalls 
Yvette Calleiro 
Legends of Windemere 
