Gandalf

Last year I finished editing and started writing a new book for the first time in about 2 years or so.  It was kind of nerve-wracking because I had a lot of imposter syndrome and other flavors of doubt.  Still, I did it and then it got me thinking about the act of getting back into writing.

It’s weird to be nervous about getting back into writing when I was doing it on some level since I was 15.  There were long periods of time where I only worked on outlines.  For example, the 4.5 years in Florida were entirely outlining and editing the books I had finished.  Still, I was doing something in regards to writing, so I never felt like I was taking a break from it.  Then again, I was editing the whole time I wasn’t writing anything new, so why the difference?

This is just a theory and might only pertain to me.  Prior to publishing and tasting any success as an author, I was tinkering and dreaming.  So, being forced to not touch my outlines and notebooks didn’t mean I was going backwards.  I returned to the same position I was in before. After publishing, I kept feeling like any pause on working on my books was a period of time where I hemorrhaged what little progress I had. Not being able to afford cover art or advertising added to this, but not writing anything at all for a long time almost felt like I had given up.

So, the return to writing in this situation felt almost like coming out of retirement.  I wasn’t sure if I should be trying. I couldn’t tell if I retained any of my skills as an author or if I was a shadow of my former self.  Chapter sections would feel too short or lacking or repetitive or too long or something that made me walk away for a break more often than I used to.  Every sentence that didn’t feel right or a plot issue that forced me to rethink the story was like a knife stabbing me in the face.  Going in with blind confidence has never been my thing, but this was me writing in spite of a voice telling me that I already failed as an author.

Again, that’s from me and certain events have made me fairly pessimistic about me ever doing well again.  For others, returning to writing can bring a sense of relief.  I won’t deny that I felt this when I would get into the the story and forget my issues.  So, there’s a positive energy coming from returning to writing, which makes sense.  An author loves writing and there’s a part of their core that will always want to do it.  It simply differs from person to person since we possess different personalities.

I think there’s a difference if you’re returning to a series or starting something entirely new as well. With a series, you can read what came before and get back into the story.  It isn’t perfect, but you don’t feel like you’re starting from zero.  That’s the case if you tackle a new series.  Maybe you have an outline or character notes, which can help.  You still run into the ‘new adventure’ tension that adds to the ‘return to writing’ anxiety, so you can become a bigger mess.  At least with established books and characters, you have a solid foundation to help you regain your confidence.

In the end, a person who loves writing will eventually return.  Whether it be to publish or write for themselves, they’ll do it if the spark is still alive.  Doesn’t make it any easier, especially for those who aren’t naturally brimming with confidence.  It’s been about 7 moths and I’m still unsure if I still have any of my previous skills.  If not then I’m writing something terrible, but I won’t know for a while if ever.  That really doesn’t help my confidence, so I’m going to go now.