Welcome. Do you want a table or a booth? Just follow me and I’ll get you set up with water and a bread basket. Here are some menus with explanations of what each of our meals can do. If you want, this is a list of our popular items since the real menu is the size of a windshield and has five pages. I’ll be back in 5 minutes to see if you need more time, but feel free to rudely wave me off for doing my job. Enjoy.
- Pancakes– Grants power of levitation, but skin changes color depending on the combination of spread (syrup, butter, jelly, etc.) and type (chocolate, blueberry, birthday, etc.)
- Waffles– Grants power to enlarge hands in order to hold anything. Fingers become sticky, so it is difficult to drop things.
- French Toast– Ability to emit a spray of powdered sugar from your mouth. Can happen while speaking.
- Crepes– Grants power to turn anything into a warm blanket. Be careful around loved ones.
- Bagels– No powers. You’re obviously too busy for shenanigans.
- Omelet– Grants ability to make yourself look younger for an hour at a time. You will easily get sunburned and cooked in direct sunlight.
- Mozzarella Sticks– Gain stretching powers, but the limb or whatever is being extended will be flabby. Difficult to retract.
- Potato Skins– Split yourself into two semi-identical parts. The newly sprouted side will have some movement issues.
- Calamari– Grow tentacles. Not allowed to go to anime conventions, anime stores, or Japan while power activated. (If you don’t know why then it’s better that way.)
- Chicken Fingers– Grow chicken fingers. Not the fingers of chickens, but fingers that are small chickens with beaks.
- Mac & Cheese– Grants a melted cheese form similar to a slime monster. Not sanitary.
- Burgers– Gain the strength of the ‘animal’ the burger was made from. Our choices are turkey, chicken, cow, bison, and veggie. Downside is self-explanatory.
- Reuben– Gives the power of x-ray vision. You smell and taste delicious to the point carnivores will try to take a bite.
- One of Sandwiches Named after a Celebrity– Grants ability to transform into that celebrity. Oh, you will definitely get sued if you use this power for evil.
- Grilled Cheese– Can swing arms to slash any material in half. You will forever believe that diagonal cuts mean bigger pieces than vertical/horizontal.
- Chicken Wrap– Enhanced sense of taste. You will know exactly what is floating in the air around you.
- Cubano Panini– Grants ability to emit sonic blasts from mouth. They’re burps.
- Gyros– Grants ability to fold anything perfectly. Recommended for those who have to fold fitted sheets. No downside.
- Meatloaf– Grants the ability to create category one hurricanes with a clap. We have no idea why and can’t get the power to change. Maybe it’s the mashed potatoes.
- Seafood– Ability to summon a vehicle that allows you pass easily through traffic. It’s an ambulance. Seriously, order the seafood at your own risk.
- Lobster– Separate because we have them in a tank. Grants ability to turn into a lobster . . . Yeah, that would worry me too.
- Chicken Parmigiana– Can understand every spoken and written language. Cannot stop yourself from arguing pronunciations and spellings of words.
- Penne ala Vodka– Grants immunity from getting drunk. Does not stop your bladder and stomach from going into overdrive after drinking too much.
- Steak– Grants the ability to use fire magic. Power of flames depends entirely on how cooked your steak was. Most people don’t get a lot of out this one.
You made me laugh out loud, especially the French toast, burgers, chicken fingers, chicken parmigiana, and the seafood. I’m just grateful I didn’t squirt coffee out of my nostrils. 😄 😁 😆 😅
Now I am craving French toast
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Thanks. Happy to hear this was funny.
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This was hysterical, Charles. I was also reminded about the grilled cheese diagonal cut. Had many a discussion on which way was bigger.
Thanks. It’s amazing how the direction of a cut can change the perception of size.
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We finally settled on the diagonal cut twice for four pieces.
I’ll have the meatloaf. Not the meatloaf, the Meatloaf celebrity sandwich. I’m hoping to hit the highway like a battering ram on a silver/black phantom bike…
It’ll be either that, transforming into a demon bat, or whatever comes out of Rocky Horror.
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