You know it’s been a week when this post isn’t scheduled.  It means I passed out rather quickly last night.  Exhaustion took me over and it’s still not really done with me, but I can’t get myself to sleep any longer.

So, what happened? (Summed up in one paragraph below.)

My son had two tests on the same day, so the first half of the week was studying, homework, and extra help.  This was on top of things getting crazier by the day at work because of ‘things’.  On top of those things was me abruptly waking up at 3:11 AM, 3:10 AM, and 4:56 AM during 3 of the workdays.  My body is such a wreck from crappy sleep and working hard that I can barely function.  I still have the online course that I started this week too.  Finally, I’m just going to toss ‘other people being irritable’ into the pile of stressors since it was the last thing I needed.

Needless to say, my anxiety went KABOOM! and I was borderline panic attack most mornings and evenings.  Kept it mostly together at work, but that took all of my dwindling willpower.  The WORST part of this issue is that the most common aspects of my panic attacks are respiratory.  I start having trouble breathing and begin to cough until I calm my nerves.  What else has those symptoms?  COVID!  So, I’d start a panic attack and begin internally freaking out that I’d been infected.  One person telling me ‘stop worrying because you are going to catch it eventually’ didn’t help.  Just thinking about that is starting another fit.  Time to chill.

It’s 11 degrees here and -5 with the wind chill.  I know people in colder regions will laugh at this, but you have to remember that we don’t get this a lot.  In fact, I’m fairly certain that the houses aren’t designed to retain heat as well as they should.  They were designed during a time of milder and more predictable weather patterns.  That’s why I’m feeling drafts as I move around the house.  Soooo cooooold!

The online course I’m taking for work is interesting.  It’s about ‘Breaking Down Bias’ in the classroom and has a big discussion component.  I’m having to learn terminology that I’ve heard and never figured out though, so I’m feeling kind of old.  That’s probably the biggest hurdle for me here.  Well, that and I have to do a video response.  I currently look like a guy who had been woken up by a rooster, telemarketer, and marching band at the same time.  In other words, not pretty or functional.  I’ll have to do it later after I’m functional and I’ve got my son started on homework.

Writing-wise . . . I got nothing.  I designed a bunch of villains for ‘Phi Beta Files’ and thought I could finish one of the rival groups at work.  No quiet times and the few moments I had for thinking were spent on my phone trying to let my mind wander.  It’s not easy to be creative when you’re that tired.  I used to be able to do that, but not under these circumstances.  I tried at night, but didn’t make it for very long after my son went to sleep.  I didn’t even get through any shows beyond ‘Cobra Kai’ on Sunday.  I might work on more villains this weekend when my son is doing homework, but I won’t hold my breath.  I need to contact someone about Do I Need to Use a Dragon? (Fantasy Writing Tips) cover and interior art too.

Oh, I did buy all of the new Lego Mario sets and the Sonic the Hedgehog set for my son.  It took a while to get the Luigi sets and I had to order directly from the Lego site to get all three.  Hopefully, we can put Sonic together this weekend.  That’s really the big event since we both have homework and Monday is appointment central.  Maybe I’ll get a little fun, ‘me’ time at night.  We’ll see.

Next week is going to be the same as the previous week for me.  In fact, the rest of January is looking like a test of mental endurance since it’s the end of the quarter.  That’s crazy even under normal circumstances, but Covid always makes things worse.  I’ll have to use the weekends to recover.  I wonder how much of my anxiety and spontaneous sadness is stemming from not being able to write.  I’ve had rough patches, but the last 2 months are a nightmare.  I played it off as this ‘break’ being my choice, but the reality is that I knew I wouldn’t be able to get any writing time in.  Worst part is that it’s looking like the stress and mayhem will stretch to the summer.  Half a year without writing?  If having no sales killed my dreams then this is looking to finish me off.

I saw a meme recently that said ‘artistic endeavors are for the rich and comfortable’ and I really feel that.  A person struggling to survive and keep their heads above water don’t get the luxury of sitting down to write, paint, or do whatever.  Free time always comes when you’re about to break, which means you need to use it to recover instead of putting energy towards things you love.  I know so many people in this position and the list appears to be growing.  (Betting most comments will be about this.)

Anyway, goals of the week:

1. Survive
2. Son’s chorus concert
3. Survive
4. Maybe set up some April posts like the poems or holidays
5. Survive
6. Continue coursework
7. Survive
8. Design at least one villain . . . Those won’t be seen as a real victory
9. Survive
10. Survive
11. Survive
12. Survive