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Welcome to . . . Oh, one of your kind. Sorry, but things always get complicated when vampires come looking. Humans get the standard things like pillows, colorful decorations, fancy woods, televisions on the inside of the lid, and minibars in the sides. Those I can do without raising any questions, but vampires require that we go into the basement and you pay extra. Follow me through this casket, which never sells because nobody liked this band in the first place. Not that one, but another one that we don’t have the rights to mention here.
First, I’m obligated to tell you that we don’t make crypts and mausoleums. Nothing more than the caskets and coffins here. Materials range from various types of wood to stone to glass. We have more unique types like gold and steel. We actually try to steer your kind away from wood because of a common tactic with hunters. They’ll take part of the lid and use it as a stake, which is fairly ingenious. Hey, you can admire the creative style of your opponent while undoing it. Cardboard is an option for some reason. So, you want cardboard with metal inside to give the illusion of a regular box. That sounds like it could backfire, but I see no reason why we can’t do it. Just know that we are not responsible for it being mistaken for garbage.
Considering you don’t want this to look like a casket, we’ll skip the outside additions. Yes, we have decals that you can add to make it more authentic. Now, are you a vampire that requires dirt inside or can we do a nice lining? Both is possible. Give us a sample of what you need and we can have rune-covered containers built into the corners. You don’t get dirty, but still has the same effect. Let me get some measurements to know how stuffed the lining can be without making it too cramped. Since you’re not actually dead, you still toss and turn a bit, so you need wiggle room. We do have an addition where you can add a scent to the lining by adding perfume infused beads. Our most popular smells are lavender, new car, summer bog, pizza, and cedar wood chips. For some reason, vampires don’t like chocolate because it reminds them of what they can’t have. All you have to do is come back once every three months for a batch of oil to pour into a hidden port.
Now for the fun additions that will make this almost like a home. After all, vampires don’t fall asleep right away, so it pays to have some entertainment. As I said, we have televisions for the dead, which have small batteries. For you, we can add a bigger battery that you can recharge during your travels. Other options are video game systems, computers . . . Well, I guess the noise would attract people to the box. That’s why we can put in some soundproofing if you really want this. Another idea is a variation on the mini-bar, which is a small library. You can’t fit more than ten books in there, but you can always switch out the ones you’ve already read. Sure, eBook readers are an option, but the lighting might be bad for your eyes in there.
Those are the main parts and we can go over the nuances later. Please note that we carry warranties by the decade instead of single years. Vampires are practically immortal and you guys tend to lose all concept of time as you age. Any other questions? No, I’m not Timmy. My name is Tommy, but there was a typo in the sign and stationary, so I went with it.
Legends of Windemere 
Is there any way of getting a casket that can lock from the inside? (In case some stake-wielding people discover it during my sleep cycle.)
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Yes, but keep in mind that such things won’t protect against fire, explosives, chainsaws, cement being poured over it, acid, sledges, elephant tug o’ war, and other methods of forced entry.
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Oh man. Guess I’ll at least go with stone since I have superhuman strength as a vampire and can hoist the heaviest stone lid.
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We can use stones that help keep things cool. Though, I do recommend getting a protective layer on it to prevent erosion.
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LOL, Charles.I’m going to need a sand liner if you can do that. How about a nice sea sound for peaceful sleep. Any chance of a Bose system being installed.Oh, I almost forgot. How about A/C? The days get pretty hot and I don’t want to shvitz all over the box.
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That’s going to be a pretty big casket. We don’t get much call for A/C units because of the power it requires and it’s rather cool underground. The rest is doable, but the Bose system might result in your casket getting dug up and unplugged.
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Hmm. Okay skip the Bose. Keep the sand and I’ll forgo the A/C. My problem is when I try to dig a cave I hit seawater at five feet.
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That’s a tough one. Maybe a weighted bottom to make sure it can’t be moved?
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Do I need an aqua lung?
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Couldn’t hurt.
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😀
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If you have a few moments, I’m interested a a solid gold casket with a minibar, a small library and something to make tea with. I’d also like a projector since vengot a collection of silent movies to watch. I’d like a very nice pillow too, nothing cheap, the cheap ones make my neck hurt and you don’t want to see me when I’m in a bad mood.
I’d like a discount too since I’ll be sending you a lot of business… anyway I can get a century long warranty?
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Most of that is doable, but there might be a small issue with the tea. Mostly having a water system since people might notice all the plumbing. Warranties are by the decade with a max of century. We’ll have to see about the discount because we don’t want to give one and not get that business. A partial refund can be given if you get us ten pure sou . . . customers.
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I don’t mind hauling a gallon of water right before dawn if that helps with the water part. Only a century warranty? You do know that Uncle Jim’s Casket builders offers an extended warranty for a second century, but they don’t do solid gold caskets. I’m planning on referring all my new… friends to you over the next few decades, probably at least one or two a month, depending on how hungry I am… er, thirsty I mean, I meet lots of people in bars that need caskets you know… or at least they will need them sound if you get my drift.
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Then we’ll set up a hot plate for a kettle. As far as Uncle Jim goes, he also sells clients to hunters when his gambling debts get too high. It’s done through a lottery. Considering the time table you’re suggesting, we can set up a referral payment program. You send us someone and get a check. Though you also sign a waiver that alleviates is from any blame when it comes to your recruitment.
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A hot plate sounds perfect! I didn’t know that about Uncle Jim… he isn’t doing it anymore though, after I heard from you I talked to him… long story short, he ‘accidentally’ found his own name sold to the hunters, I saw him running into the forest just before dawn… I heard wolves howling about then too.
I’ll happily sing that waiver… do you need me to use my real name, or the name i normally go by? Also can you just send me one check a month? The guys at the bank hate when I come in, so I try to only go in once a month… no, I can’t use a phone app… lets just say I have had trouble with them in the past and now I’m not allowed within ten feet of a cell phone.
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Weird. Didn’t think they hunted mortals, but this does explain why the police questioned his competitors. Might want to curb the impulses a bit before you get found out.
We can do a monthly, but you have to use whatever name will allow you to cash it. Aliases that aren’t legally recognized isn’t good for our accountant.
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Mortals? Who ever said that Uncle Jim was still a mortal? I’m pretty sure no one told the hunters that he was a mortal.
Good suggestion, guess I’ll lay low for a few weeks, at least until my new casket is ready.
Got you, aliases can cause problems for accounts.
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