Welcome to . . . Oh, one of your kind. Sorry, but things always get complicated when vampires come looking. Humans get the standard things like pillows, colorful decorations, fancy woods, televisions on the inside of the lid, and minibars in the sides. Those I can do without raising any questions, but vampires require that we go into the basement and you pay extra. Follow me through this casket, which never sells because nobody liked this band in the first place. Not that one, but another one that we don’t have the rights to mention here.
First, I’m obligated to tell you that we don’t make crypts and mausoleums. Nothing more than the caskets and coffins here. Materials range from various types of wood to stone to glass. We have more unique types like gold and steel. We actually try to steer your kind away from wood because of a common tactic with hunters. They’ll take part of the lid and use it as a stake, which is fairly ingenious. Hey, you can admire the creative style of your opponent while undoing it. Cardboard is an option for some reason. So, you want cardboard with metal inside to give the illusion of a regular box. That sounds like it could backfire, but I see no reason why we can’t do it. Just know that we are not responsible for it being mistaken for garbage.
Considering you don’t want this to look like a casket, we’ll skip the outside additions. Yes, we have decals that you can add to make it more authentic. Now, are you a vampire that requires dirt inside or can we do a nice lining? Both is possible. Give us a sample of what you need and we can have rune-covered containers built into the corners. You don’t get dirty, but still has the same effect. Let me get some measurements to know how stuffed the lining can be without making it too cramped. Since you’re not actually dead, you still toss and turn a bit, so you need wiggle room. We do have an addition where you can add a scent to the lining by adding perfume infused beads. Our most popular smells are lavender, new car, summer bog, pizza, and cedar wood chips. For some reason, vampires don’t like chocolate because it reminds them of what they can’t have. All you have to do is come back once every three months for a batch of oil to pour into a hidden port.
Now for the fun additions that will make this almost like a home. After all, vampires don’t fall asleep right away, so it pays to have some entertainment. As I said, we have televisions for the dead, which have small batteries. For you, we can add a bigger battery that you can recharge during your travels. Other options are video game systems, computers . . . Well, I guess the noise would attract people to the box. That’s why we can put in some soundproofing if you really want this. Another idea is a variation on the mini-bar, which is a small library. You can’t fit more than ten books in there, but you can always switch out the ones you’ve already read. Sure, eBook readers are an option, but the lighting might be bad for your eyes in there.
Those are the main parts and we can go over the nuances later. Please note that we carry warranties by the decade instead of single years. Vampires are practically immortal and you guys tend to lose all concept of time as you age. Any other questions? No, I’m not Timmy. My name is Tommy, but there was a typo in the sign and stationary, so I went with it.