Fantasia Mushrooms
Welcome to the Mushroom Mart . . . Okay, so it’s more of a forest, but Fungus Forest was already taken by a podiatrist down the road. We are very serious about the pigs though because they can ruin our entire crop. If you try to sneak one on then we’ll have to confiscate it and all you get is invited to a totally unrelated bacon breakfast the following weekend. Now, what are you looking for?
Sadly, we don’t have any magical mushrooms of either variety. At best, we have created unique species with various tastes and textures. Some of them are toxic, which is why we give you this list and a stern lecture on not eating anything you pick. We do this because we don’t trust our customers to get things right and avoid the dangerous ones. To be clear, those are still for sale because there are ways to prepare them and remove the toxins. It’s something we do for free of any of those species gets your attention. Be rather mean to sell you one and charge extra to make sure you don’t die of it. There will be people out there to help if you get lost or have any questions. Please take one of those partitioned baskets and I’ll help you plan your route. Don’t mix your mushrooms because each species has a different price by the pound.
Now, you want the smallest mushrooms, which would be our Flea Knee Fungi. These are found in the western region on rocks that are slightly damp on one side and covered in dry moss on the other. Each mushroom is the size of a flea, but they gather in thick patches that resemble lichen. You can identify them by their sweet smell and trust me when I tell you that they pack a powerful taste. Some people say it’s similar to cinnamon, but I think it’s closer to paprika. You also want one of our largest mushrooms and those are found on the underside of the northern cliffs. We call them Bat Truffles and they can grow to the size of a watermelon. Anything larger than that tends to fall and explodes on impact to send spores. There is a limit of one per customer because of the size and it takes a year for them to grow to maturity.
Medicinal mushrooms aren’t really one of our specialties because you have to get a lot of licenses for those. All we can afford at this time are two types. The Air Stalk is found around our ponds and are long-stemmed with an upside-down cap. You can tell them apart from similar mushrooms by the scales on the stalk. Boil that in seltzer and drink it whole to handle spastic colon episodes. The only side-effect is a little seepage from the bellybutton, but that goes away after a good night’s sleep. Our other medicine is the Stomper, which is a flat mushroom that is mostly found in the east. It’s difficult to get out of the ground because it’s almost like something stomped it into place. This one isn’t for eating, but you can turn it into a powder that cures psoriasis. Put a little on a Q-tip and it can help with impacted earwax too, but you need to put hydrogen peroxide in within fifteen minutes. Otherwise, you can get a mini-Stomper stuck on your eardrum and that’s a painful removal surgery.
Everything else on your list is pretty standard. Rum Creminis are on the pine tree roots and you’ll find Broth Morels along the fences. Salad types are scattered about, but I highly recommend the Lettuce Caps for a good base. Kids do love the Sweet Shiitakes that are in the open plains. There’s a color and taste guide posted there since we have to check every few days to make sure they haven’t switched. Seems every crop is different, which is why we harvest those and put them in those bushels. Guess that’s it since you have your map and basket . . . Did you hear something snort? Damn it, I thought I heard a pig. You go on and I’ll see you when you come out. Yeah, I know the thing is the size of a Buick. That just means I’ll need to whack it with a bigger shovel. Hey, Marlene! Get me the Paul Bunyan from the shed! Happy hunting, mister.
Legends of Windemere 
Lots of laughs here, Charles. Well done. 😀
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Thanks. 🙂
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😀
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So love this and other shoppe posts. I love mushrooms. I would love a bat truffle.
My favorites are shiitake mushrooms and portobello.
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Not a big fan of mushrooms myself, but this was a lot of fun to write.
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Glad it was fun to write. It was fun to read.
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I love mushroom hunting in the real world. They make good pictures too. No pigs in my forests… yet.
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I was actually thinking of your mushroom posts when I wrote this. Do people ever use pigs for truffle hunting?
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That is popular in Europe. Over here they have small dogs that help them. Beagles, terriers, etc. There are truffles in Oregon and I’ve always wanted to attend their festival. They have hunting classes there. One day maybe.
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Sounds like a fun trip. Too bad the pigs aren’t popular here. Mushrooms with bacon and ham would work. 😛
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I think you can make that without the truffle finding pig. We make the mushrooms and bacon with green beans.
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Good point.
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Great store names, Charles – especially Fungus Forest for a podiatrist 😄
Flea Knee Fungi sound perfect in tacos or burritos 🤪
Hydrogen Peroxide in earholes sounds a bit OUCH 😱
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Part of me would be disappointed if I search the Internet and find that there isn’t a Fungus Forest podiatrist somewhere.
Hydrogen peroxide is actually a fairly common earwax loosener. It tickles and bubbles, but doesn’t hurt like a pick or water pressure.
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I thought it was a bleach
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Might be used for stains. I’m used to it more for cleaning wounds.
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That’s a new one on me, Charles
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To be fair, the bleach is really a new one on me. 😁
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Used for making ladies blonde?
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I had to look it up and it has a lot more uses than I expected. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrogen_peroxide
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AHA – we’ve BOTH learned something new, Charles 😀
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Then it was a day well spent. 😜
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Yep 😀
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I guess you don’t want me here then, I’m not really a pig, a wizard turned me into a half human/half pig creature yesterday. I was told that by eating one of every mushroom you guys grow I’d be turned back into a human. Which is annoying, since I was born a dragon.
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Pay for what you eat and things should be good. Since you can talk and reason, you’re not exactly a pig.
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Awww, you don’t have the ones you can jump on and bounce to the roof?
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I believe we do. Not a popular one in the winter though.
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I don’t suppose you have any of the Star Trek Discovery variety? (for obvious reasons, I’m not using the abbreviated form, “of the STD variety”)
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Haven’t seen it, but I’m sure there are copyright issues. We do have the ‘Fantasia’ mushrooms, but they aren’t edible. I mean, they are, but they take offense.
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😀
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