Castle Contractors: We Don’t Charge By the Brick

Minas Tirith

Minas Tirith

Watch your head because people aren’t very careful with things like ladders, planks of wood, and anything else long that can hit a man when you’re turning around.  We like our comedy classic and simple around here. Now, what can I do for you?  I know you’re here to buy a castle since we don’t make anything else.  Don’t care if you’re royalty either since time is money in my business.  Pretty sure you want to get your perfumed butt into a nice throne room ASAP too.  Would you rather I be polite and waste time or be rude and get down to business?  I thought so.  Now, what are we looking at?

Sounds like you want a fortress since this is being built out of a mountain.  That makes material costs lower since we use the stone that’s already there.  We’ll still need wood, glass, and metal to give you more than a fancy-looking cave.  Let me take a look at the area you’re eyeing.  Good size and shape there and I’m not talking about your wife.  That’s a joke, sir, so try to laugh or this will take longer than it should.  Now, I can see that it’ll be more vertical than your average castle.  This means you’ll need to buy a stair package, which is by the flight instead of the step.  Much more cost effective that way and it lets you get more of the fun stuff.

How many rooms are you looking at?  We can have odd numbers, but we do ask that you give us a range.  This way we know the minimum and the maximum.  It’s rare that we hit the top number since people always overestimate the space.  One rule we do follow is that you only get one throne room.  No reason to have multiples . . . Well, there is one person that has one for every season, but that’s a special circumstance.  You aren’t a wizard or god, are you?  Thought not, but had to ask.  Ballrooms can take up a lot of square footage and in a castle like this, you’re looking at one taking up an entire floor.  Now, we can have buildings fan out from the base.  This would be your barracks, farmer houses, and anything that requires close access to the gate.  Yes, this allows for more bedrooms, kitchens, and . . . do you write down that you want 60 bathrooms?  That’s twice as many bedrooms that you listed.  I mean, we do have over 100 styles of that room, but . . . you want one of each?  Well, this got weird quickly.

Now for the defenses because your castle is your fortress.  I wouldn’t recommend a moat because of the surroundings.  The soil in that region can be eroded fairly quickly unless you’re willing to pay for brick reinforcement.  That or stagnant water since it wouldn’t be able to move much.  On the other hand, we can make a wall that connects to the mountain and put a trench around that.  We have a few thinkers that can give you ideas for the trench like spikes, snakes, or whatever else doesn’t need water.  There’s a package that includes archer towers and two boiling oil vats.  Honestly, the core of a castle’s defenses is the army you make and that decides on what you have.  No point in archer towers if you lack archers.  In that case, I’d recommend some hidden rooms beneath the wall for guards to hide in.  Catapults can help too and we have a special on buildings that have one on the roof.  They’re tall enough to fire over the wall too.

That’s really it.  Castles are all about the details, which you can go over with one of our architects.  Colors, room locations, and decorations aren’t my area.  Choose the employee with the least amount of liquor in them.  Their work is always being damaged by raids and wars, so they aren’t the happiest bunch.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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37 Responses to Castle Contractors: We Don’t Charge By the Brick

  1. Sounds like a rough bunch. I suppose going over paint chips wouldn’t make them very happy. Maybe they eat the paint chips.


  2. TanGental says:

    if only my loft extension was this easy….


  3. I’ll have my architect get in touch. I like the boiling oil vat option and will need to consider several. I’m thinking of oil that won’t stain the wall. Yes, I have archers but I think I need a clear field of fire. Do you guys do landscape construction as well?


  4. Once you finish that guy’s castle, I’ve got a job for you.
    I need a gigantic castle built in the middle of a lake… no, there are no sharks or sea monsters, yet, I’d like to add some though.
    Also I need at least two large construction rooms for building my clockwork armies, one with access to the roof so my steam powered rocs can get out. Can you install gas lights?
    I’d like some kind of drawbridge system that will allow my army to march out of my castle, I’ll pay double if it can be safely lit up at night too.
    I’ll take archer towers, catapults and anything else you have in the way of defense.
    I’d like a small kitchen on every floor too… what? Because I like my food! Fresh baked cookies are much better warm and you know how cold castles can be, why in my last castle, the cookies were always cold by the time I got them, I use to run out of chefs, but then I just started firing the waiters instead.
    What’s the price looking like and how long for construction?

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re looking at around 50 million, but it depends on the location and local housing laws. Much of the cost will go to building the initial island because most lakes don’t have land large and stable enough for something this big. Those that do already have something or are owned by the Mad Scientist and Benevolent Warlord Union. They are one of our biggest clients, so it’s best not to intrude on their territory.

      Everything else is possible, especially with a generator that our resident Power Master can design. Gas lights are risky on the drawbridge because they can break on the raising and lowering, but you’re the boss and will have signed the waiver.

      The kitchens can easily be included and I’m betting you want gas stoves. I would like to point out that we can put a heating system in the castle. At the very least, we can install shutters on the windows. Honestly, your choices are authenticity or comfort when it comes to castles. This reminds me that we can design the roof to open up for those large birds. It would help with getting the animals inside since rocs don’t do stairs and narrow hallways.

      Time would be about 7 months. 3 if you don’t mind everyone finding out about the construction, but you have to sign a waiver that means we’re not responsible for your enemies attacking early.

      Liked by 2 people

      • The price is fine, how much do you require up front?
        I don’t care about what type of lights are on the drawbridge, let’s go with the safest way. I do want gas lights inside the castle though.
        Yes, I want it heated and yes, gas stoves cook much better than anything else.
        Let’s go ahead with shutters over the windows, they will stop arrows, right?
        I like the roof opening, but I was wondering, can we add another room under the roof for baseball? I thought I might put together a team to practice between battles.
        Seven months is too long, I like the idea of three months, but my army won’t be assembled for four to five months, is that doable instead?
        Since you’re building the island, can you add a spring or two? I want plenty of fresh water, both for my troops and my steam engines.
        Oh yeah, I need a large forge added to the castle, it can be on the outside, or whatever will save me a few gold bucks… you do take gold in the shape of deer statues, don’t you?
        Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.


      • At least half up front for a job like this because we would put it to supplies and labor. Gold is fine since we can always melt stuff down. We can make the shutters reinforced, but even common wood ones are useful against arrows. Bullets tend to require more metal. Never had to build a baseball field inside a castle, which means we need time to plan. This makes the three months a lot more difficult if not impossible. The only way to come close is to pull a Death Star 2. We build enough for your castle to be functional and continue working while you do whatever it is you do. That would be 3.5 or 4 months for set up. Also another waiver that your held responsible for any staff deaths caused by non-construction related events. We can put an underground spring with well and fountain access. This would save on space since it’s feeling like we won’t have much lake left after all the additions. The forge will be tough depending on the size. Honestly, attaching it is cheaper and easier, but it will take the whole place with it if it blows up.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sounds great! Only one more question about payment, can you come and collect it? Or do I need to send my army with it? If I need to send it with an army, do know of any good adventuring places along the way? I’d hate to waste a good army for a delivery job.
        I don’t need a full baseball field, a practice field will do if it’ll save space. I’d even be willing to give up my throne room for it.
        I like the spring and fountain. Let’s go with that.
        Is five to six months possible for construction time? Including the forge?
        I’m happy to sign any waivers you require… oh, what kind of warranty does the castle have? I don’t really care, but I’ve got a lawyer who wants to know.


      • We’re in the middle of a large city, so an army might cause problems. I can send your project worker to get the payment to avoid any unnecessary drama. As for the baseball field, we can do a practice one. Instead of a throne room, we can give you a throne sky box that looks over everything.
        Five to six months is possible, but you might still have use putting the finishing touches on for a month afterwards. Insulation, plumbing seals, dungeon accouterments, and the like. We have various levels of warranty that we can go over. It all depends on what trouble you see in the future. The only thing we don’t cover at all are acts of gods and gnomes.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You don’t cover acts of gods or gnomes? Great, just because I have a few dozen gnomes in my employ. Oh well, I’ll manage somehow.
        What about repairs? Do you do repairs or can you refer me to another company that can do regular upkeep, you know, replacing windows, rebuilding walls after explosions, that kind of things.
        Everything else sounds good, so go ahead and send your project manager… he’ll have to sign for the gold, I hope you send some guards with him, twenty five million in gold deer statues is a lot of money to carry.
        My throne sky box will have a good view, won’t it? Preferably of both the practice field and the drawbridge.


      • I’d like to point out nobody covers acts of gnomes. Easier to find coverage for acts of god than those guys. You probably know considering you have many in your employ. Things tend to blow up.

        We typically suggest one of our sister companies for upkeep. We’re more of the initial construction and major repairs assignments. Most big cities have a branch that will take care of the small things.
        We will be sending our project manager with one of our heavy lifting workers. You’ll be able to see him coming from a mile away since he’s a giant with gigantism. It’ll make more sense when you see him.

        We’ll work on the sketches. The drawbridge should be in view. Do you want to be opposite home plate or to the side?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, it’s hard to get gnome coverage. I’ll probably be hiring you to do major repairs every few months, I’m afraid.
        I’d like my throne either behind home plate or to the side.
        I’ll have the gold waiting for your project manager. I’m looking forward to seeing the designs.
        Thanks for all your help, I can’t wait for my castle to be built! You’re invited to the castle warming siege by the way.


      • We’ll do to the side because it means it’s easier to see home plate. You might not want to be looking over the railing during a game if you have any dark-robed advisers. Thank you for your business.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. L. Marie says:

    I would love an impregnable fortress. Minas Tirith has a nice design, though enemies broke in there eventually. Would love the extra bathrooms. Catapults are a must. And I have to have a library. A few panic rooms would be nice.

    Do you do anything with snakes? I’d love something that releases snakes on enemies.


    • There’s a basic impregnable fortress package, but you have to provide the mountain. We’ll scout a location for an extra fee. Also, we suggest you think long and hard about this decision. Many clients have had to abandon their impregnable fortress due to losing the keys and not being able to get back inside. To maintain your security, we don’t keep copies of the keys. Catapults will have to be back ordered since there’s been a big call for it. Yet, they might not be the best choice for you. They require an open courtyard since they fire in an arc. Something that can let something out also has the potential to let something in. This reduces the impregnability and this written warning alleviates us of blame. Library package can be added on and we can send you to a book seller if you wish. Panic rooms are always doable. Not sure why you would want more than one. Might be better to have one with multiple entrances. We have an underground panic room with slide entrances if you want. As for snakes, it depends on what you want them to do. Drop on people or wait in a pit. Either way, you’ll have PETA on your enemy list.

      Liked by 1 person

      • L. Marie says:

        I love the panic room with multiple entrances. But I also like the idea of having multiple panic rooms in case of betraying family members or friends who suddenly turn on you.

        I’m willing to wait on the catapults. But I need the snake pits ASAP.


      • Not really sure how multiple panic rooms would help with that. Do you mean one for each member or have one that only you know about? We could put some security on the slide that handles betrayal. We’ll get the snake pits in as soon as we can. Why does it sound like this is a rather urgent job and your reason for the panic room is becoming a reality?


  6. That many bathrooms… 🙂


  7. I want one of those castle-houses. Sounds like the real thing would be too much work.


  8. Pingback: Writing Links 3/20/17 – Where Genres Collide

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