Watch your head because people aren’t very careful with things like ladders, planks of wood, and anything else long that can hit a man when you’re turning around. We like our comedy classic and simple around here. Now, what can I do for you? I know you’re here to buy a castle since we don’t make anything else. Don’t care if you’re royalty either since time is money in my business. Pretty sure you want to get your perfumed butt into a nice throne room ASAP too. Would you rather I be polite and waste time or be rude and get down to business? I thought so. Now, what are we looking at?
Sounds like you want a fortress since this is being built out of a mountain. That makes material costs lower since we use the stone that’s already there. We’ll still need wood, glass, and metal to give you more than a fancy-looking cave. Let me take a look at the area you’re eyeing. Good size and shape there and I’m not talking about your wife. That’s a joke, sir, so try to laugh or this will take longer than it should. Now, I can see that it’ll be more vertical than your average castle. This means you’ll need to buy a stair package, which is by the flight instead of the step. Much more cost effective that way and it lets you get more of the fun stuff.
How many rooms are you looking at? We can have odd numbers, but we do ask that you give us a range. This way we know the minimum and the maximum. It’s rare that we hit the top number since people always overestimate the space. One rule we do follow is that you only get one throne room. No reason to have multiples . . . Well, there is one person that has one for every season, but that’s a special circumstance. You aren’t a wizard or god, are you? Thought not, but had to ask. Ballrooms can take up a lot of square footage and in a castle like this, you’re looking at one taking up an entire floor. Now, we can have buildings fan out from the base. This would be your barracks, farmer houses, and anything that requires close access to the gate. Yes, this allows for more bedrooms, kitchens, and . . . do you write down that you want 60 bathrooms? That’s twice as many bedrooms that you listed. I mean, we do have over 100 styles of that room, but . . . you want one of each? Well, this got weird quickly.
Now for the defenses because your castle is your fortress. I wouldn’t recommend a moat because of the surroundings. The soil in that region can be eroded fairly quickly unless you’re willing to pay for brick reinforcement. That or stagnant water since it wouldn’t be able to move much. On the other hand, we can make a wall that connects to the mountain and put a trench around that. We have a few thinkers that can give you ideas for the trench like spikes, snakes, or whatever else doesn’t need water. There’s a package that includes archer towers and two boiling oil vats. Honestly, the core of a castle’s defenses is the army you make and that decides on what you have. No point in archer towers if you lack archers. In that case, I’d recommend some hidden rooms beneath the wall for guards to hide in. Catapults can help too and we have a special on buildings that have one on the roof. They’re tall enough to fire over the wall too.
That’s really it. Castles are all about the details, which you can go over with one of our architects. Colors, room locations, and decorations aren’t my area. Choose the employee with the least amount of liquor in them. Their work is always being damaged by raids and wars, so they aren’t the happiest bunch.