It’s hard to make friends, especially when your an escaped serial killer who lives in a broken world. Well, not so much broken, but there’s definitely a stab first and share beers later mentality. Don’t worry because there are plenty of places to stab that will still give you time to pay for drinks and enjoy one. I think I’m getting off topic. Also, I’ve been told that I should give advice that might be helpful and not entirely revolve around stabbing people. Cassidy says I won’t get my machete back if I break that rule, but she should also know that she has to sleep sometime. Let’s see how bad ass you are with hot sauce in your bra! Shall we begin?
- Don’t threaten to put hot sauce in your potential friend’s bra or underwear until you’ve known them for a while. At least a year and even then, I highly recommend hiding all their bullets. Don’t hide the guns because they’ll notice those are missing. Focus on the bullets and make sure you have an apology card ready in case they go on a job with the empty guns and . . . moving on!
- Personality is everything when making friends. If you don’t have one then you’re going to be one lonely fucker. In that case, hostages can count . . . what? . . . I’ve just been told that what I was about to say is wrong and out of line. So if you don’t have a personality . . . read a self-help book and pray a lot.
- Find a common interest, which does involve talking to your potential friend. This can be rather hit or miss because you never know what will happen. It could be easy or something obscure like a movie that you thought you were the only fan of. Dammit, I can’t stay mad at anything with Bob Hoskins. By the way, rapidly throwing out topics makes you seem desperate. If this is all you can do then drink a lot first to make it seem like the alcohol is the culprit.
- Introductions are important, so make sure they tell you their name. Guess you could give them yours too. It really depends on if you have any warrants out. For example, one time I thought I made a new friend and gave them my name. Turns out the guy was a bounty hunter and I had recently done this thing to a guy who I hadn’t gotten around to killing yet. Much like the window of the penthouse bar we met in, the friendship didn’t hold together.
- Compliments are . . . am I trying to make friends or get laid? Yes, I know that’s a type of friend, but I think I mixed up my notes. I also have something here about a pizza delivery job that we should have finished a month ago. Let’s just move on to the next one while I figure out if this is supposed to be a Vegetarian Delight or Meat Worshiper pie.
- Nope. Definitely the second and now I have to finish this quickly. Invite your potential friend on an activity that you enjoy. This is usually after the initial meeting, which requires being social in the first place. You wouldn’t be needing this advice if you never left the house or settled for computer ‘friends’ like some authors who will remain nameless and keep typing because he has no choice. Where was I? Yes, invite a new friend on activity. I recommend working up to murder spree, so start small with something tame like carnival rides, shoplifting, movies, mooning nuns, reading to children, or streaking through the nearest restaurant.
- DO NOT stab somebody that you want to be friends with. Awww, come on! You said not to make the whole list revolve around stabbing. This is only the last one. Fine, I’ll think of something else
Never take advice from a psychopath. *subtly points at Cassidy*