God from Monty Python
If you live in a world where gods and goddesses are around then you might want to know how to avoid angering them. That isn’t this list. Here we have 7 surefire ways to piss off a deity that has the temperament to show up at your door and turn you into a balloon animal. Though warnings have been added to avoid responsibility.
- Let’s go with the obvious: peeing in their temple. This is especially disrespectful with water deities. I know it’s tough with all the waterfalls and trickling noises. Just hold it in or ask where the bathroom is. If the choices are between embarrassment or holy wrath then the first option is usually the best.
- Request for something bad to happen to the god you’re praying to. It really doesn’t work that way. Yes, it would be funny to see the God of War trip over his own foot in the middle of a battle. That doesn’t mean you keep asking him to do it like he’s your personal circus clown. We’re going to include requesting goddesses to have wardrobe malfunctions here too.
- Snack on the edible sacrifices and gifts that other patrons have left at the temple. This is why you eat before going to pray. Those grapes are tempting and the roasted cow smells delicious. Not to mention there’s usually alcohol around for both sacrifice and holy ceremonies. Still, it isn’t like this stuff will go to waste. If the god or goddess doesn’t show up to eat then those who live in the temple do stuff with it. This is basically theft and the victim probably has a history of vengeful acts. How attached to your toes are you?
- Ask the goddesses to be your girlfriend, wife, servant, or concubine. Do I really have to explain why this is a bad idea? Let’s be fair and admit that it isn’t a good idea to do this to the gods either.
- Declare a holy war against a deity and their followers. Now this might seem like an obvious mistake, but it takes a lot of work. You need to follow proper desecration protocols and pick a flashy symbol for your army. Just kidding. Break a few temples, kill some of the priests, and then you have an enraged immortal baring down on you like you’re the dinosaur who happened to be standing where the asteroid hit. Come on, we all know there had to be one really luckless bastard on that one.
- Say the wrong name when praying. You thought saying the wrong name during sex was bad? At least your girlfriend/wife doesn’t hurl lightning or turn people into earthworms. Then again, she might if you live in Windemere.
- Claim to be a god or goddess of something that is already taken. This one takes time because you need to build up a following. Best to learn some magic or set up some miracles to gain influence. Within a few years, you’ll be on the verge of replacing your target within the pantheon. Then, you’ll be killed.
Legends of Windemere 
Clever post. You’re bound to turn a few heads with this one.
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I realized that this morning when it went live. A downside to being a fantasy author is that you’ll end up talking about gods and goddesses of your world, but somebody may think you’re trying to start a religious debate. I even got it on Twitter when I had a promo that said ‘Who will prove to be the strongest Near God?’ This is what the barbarians call channelers, so it pertains to Nyx and Trinity. I had somebody declare ‘JESUS!’ in response. I know he could do a lot, but he doesn’t strike me as a combat caster.
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I don’t know.. Have you seen South Park.
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Not religiously, but I have watched it over the years. 🙂
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LOL! Actually, I’ve been known to nibble on some sacrifices here and there. I swear it was the fatty part. 😉
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That might be okay. Gods and goddesses have to watch what (and who) they eat.
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Number 2 and 7 are interesting and even related in a way according to a story I heard. Have you heard of Joe, God of clumsy warfare? It seem many years ago, a man named Joe got hit on the head and decided he was a god, now he was only interested in war movies, so naturally he wanted to be the God of war.
Smite All, the god of war, wasn’t too happy with Joe and challenged Joe and his followers to a big battle, winner takes all.
The battle went poorly for poor Joe, until he tripped up get his shoelace and his spear hurled through the air and slew Smite All. Being immortal, Smite All didn’t really die, but a few other gods got together and crowned Joe the God of Clumsy Warfare.
Great list
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Thanks. Nicely done with the story too. Guess Smite All is enjoying his retirement.
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#8, A divine being comes to you with a mission or quest. Refuse to take it. Run away, mock them, whatever… And there you are.
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There’s definitely some worlds where that would be considered suicide by the local insurance companies. Going to look into how that works when it comes to my world one day.
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