7 Signs You Might Be the Villain of a Story

Venom: Lethal Protector

Venom: Lethal Protector

Everyone believes they’re the heroes of the story.  Well, almost everyone outside of fiction since there are always the exceptions.  So, how can you tell if you’re really the villain?

  1. You have a lot of expendable minions wandering around your home.  I mean, you adopted them and gave them a job, which is very nice of you.  Still, they are very quick to rush to their demise on your orders.  Not to mention they’re all wearing the same uniforms, which gets confusing even with numbers on their backs.  It’s almost like they’ve been robbed of their individuality.  Is that what the Greeting Machine really does?
  2. People keep getting in the way of your plans.  Go out to dinner with your totally willing date?  A guy with a useless cape shows up to fight you before dessert.  Visit the bank to make a withdrawal?  An entire team of oddly dressed people bust in because you failed to fill out the proper slip.  Take a trip to the beach with your tank?  Some woman with the strength of 50 elephants arrives to hurl your new ride into the ocean.  This is why you never leave home without bus fare.
  3. They say black is slimming and you’re the living embodiment of that slogan.  Not that you need the trimming down, but your wardrobe isn’t that varied.  At least you aren’t running around in brightly colored spandex like those solicitors that routinely bust through your front door.  One of these days, you’re going to find out why they keep showing up to punch you in the face and rob you of whatever your minions brought home as a gift.  At least your insurance covers it.
  4. Your laugh can curdle blood and quiver bone.  This comes from your dear, cryogenically preserved mother’s side.
  5. Nobody is happy to see you.  It doesn’t matter how many times you claim to be a benevolent and kindhearted person.  The public keeps running away from your or cowering behind stuff, which forces you to serve yourself to what you want.  You will admit that this is great when it comes to ice cream shops.
  6. The books in your personal library are all ‘How To’ manuals or blanks.  The instructions are on stuff like kidnapping, burglary, ransom making, assassinations, world domination, and scrapbooking.  You can explain that last one as stemming from a very dark time of your life.  As for the blank books, they’re glued to the shelves to make it look like you’re more learned than you really are.  Nothing is more frustrating than having someone break in and discover that you prefer to read romance novels than the classics.  Thankfully, your real collection is kept in a secret room that is protected by traps, a mutated alligator named Murray, an undead knight you summoned two years ago, and a sign that reads ‘Nothing Important Here’.
  7. All birthday and holiday cards you receive seem forced.  They’re very standard in speech and none of them are the funny ones that tease the recipient.  At least half of the messages revolve around a thank you for not killing or robbing the sender.  The other half are from your minions who now have identical handwriting.  Seriously, those guys are really starting to creep you out.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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16 Responses to 7 Signs You Might Be the Villain of a Story

  1. noelleg44 says:

    Charles, you’ve done it again! Where does this come from? You obviously have a very fertile imagination. This is hysterical!

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  2. So funny. I had to laugh out loud at the idea of a strong woman tossing a tank into the water. Good job.

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  3. I love the idea of someone going on a date and being accosted by heroes. Good one.

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    • I want to say I remember that happening in a comic. Two villains went on a date or where getting married at town hall. A few of the Avengers kept attacking them during the event. Might have just been Thor during his ‘I don’t know anything about Earth culture’ period.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Luckily I don’t meet any of the criteria for being a villain, you can ask anyone, say 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 or even 9, they all wear name tags and are more than willing to vouch for me, just ask them before they rush out to do my bidding, would you? If you miss them, feel free to ask Murray, he’s by the bookshelf in my basement, just feed him before you try to talk to him.
    Got to go, some guy is knocking at my door, oddly enough he’s wearing a brightly colored spandex suit with a cape…

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    • I sent them an email, so I’m still waiting for a response. Didn’t know you could have a single number followed by ‘worlddom.org’. (I fear that’s actually something now.)

      Murray wouldn’t talk. Seems he prefers boy scouts over girl scouts. You might want to get him to an allergist.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Interrupting a dinner date? Those “heroes” are so ill-bred. Couldn’t they be satisfied by putting on their “secret ID,” taking the next table, and eavesdropping? Who knows, they might actually enjoy their secret IDs for a change.

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