Everyone believes they’re the heroes of the story. Well, almost everyone outside of fiction since there are always the exceptions. So, how can you tell if you’re really the villain?
- You have a lot of expendable minions wandering around your home. I mean, you adopted them and gave them a job, which is very nice of you. Still, they are very quick to rush to their demise on your orders. Not to mention they’re all wearing the same uniforms, which gets confusing even with numbers on their backs. It’s almost like they’ve been robbed of their individuality. Is that what the Greeting Machine really does?
- People keep getting in the way of your plans. Go out to dinner with your totally willing date? A guy with a useless cape shows up to fight you before dessert. Visit the bank to make a withdrawal? An entire team of oddly dressed people bust in because you failed to fill out the proper slip. Take a trip to the beach with your tank? Some woman with the strength of 50 elephants arrives to hurl your new ride into the ocean. This is why you never leave home without bus fare.
- They say black is slimming and you’re the living embodiment of that slogan. Not that you need the trimming down, but your wardrobe isn’t that varied. At least you aren’t running around in brightly colored spandex like those solicitors that routinely bust through your front door. One of these days, you’re going to find out why they keep showing up to punch you in the face and rob you of whatever your minions brought home as a gift. At least your insurance covers it.
- Your laugh can curdle blood and quiver bone. This comes from your dear, cryogenically preserved mother’s side.
- Nobody is happy to see you. It doesn’t matter how many times you claim to be a benevolent and kindhearted person. The public keeps running away from your or cowering behind stuff, which forces you to serve yourself to what you want. You will admit that this is great when it comes to ice cream shops.
- The books in your personal library are all ‘How To’ manuals or blanks. The instructions are on stuff like kidnapping, burglary, ransom making, assassinations, world domination, and scrapbooking. You can explain that last one as stemming from a very dark time of your life. As for the blank books, they’re glued to the shelves to make it look like you’re more learned than you really are. Nothing is more frustrating than having someone break in and discover that you prefer to read romance novels than the classics. Thankfully, your real collection is kept in a secret room that is protected by traps, a mutated alligator named Murray, an undead knight you summoned two years ago, and a sign that reads ‘Nothing Important Here’.
- All birthday and holiday cards you receive seem forced. They’re very standard in speech and none of them are the funny ones that tease the recipient. At least half of the messages revolve around a thank you for not killing or robbing the sender. The other half are from your minions who now have identical handwriting. Seriously, those guys are really starting to creep you out.