How to Survive in the Shattered States or At Least Die With Dignity

Fry Meme

Fry Meme

(This topic happened on Monday by accident, so the picture was a great find.)

  1. If you see a stray dog, don’t pet it or adopt it.  You may be tempted because it was the right thing to do back in the day.  Now that animal is smarter and wiser than you, so you’d only get it killed.  If the dog decides to adopt you then it’s another story, but never call him Mr. Foo Foo Cupcakes.  He’ll take offense.
  2. If you’re first instinct is to dress in leather and cookware while driving a gaudy vehicle that resembles housewares at Sears then don’t expect to make many friends.  This might make sense to you because Mel Gibson is your personal hero and it’s a free country, so go for it.  Just keep in mind that metal can rust and that cast iron skillet on your crotch looks ridiculous.
  3. If you try to bribe people with money, you will only buy laughter.  Best to market those bills as tissues or toilet paper since there’s nothing backing them.  Confetti and pillow stuffing are other options.  On the other hand, coins can work with a slingshot or be melted down by the right people.  Good idea as long as you don’t have to run from something trying to kill you.
  4. If you think stealing is a good idea then practice first.  Sure, the big drunk looks like an easy mark, but even he can feel you clumsily jamming a hand into his pocket.  Better pray he’s flattered by a tight squeeze or you won’t be breathing for long.  Not to mention we already know that money is worthless, so you’re fingering a used handkerchief instead of a wallet.
  5. Stay away from Nebraska.  Just trust me on this.
  6. If you’re eating some type of meat at a bar or wandering caravan and can’t identify it, don’t ask the cook what it is. Ignorance is bliss and your reaction might be so insulting that you’re going to have to clean the dishes.  Besides, the worst it could be is rat . . . or crow . . . or vegetarian faux beef.  Guess the plus side is that it isn’t human . . . usually.
  7. If you run into a blonde woman wearing a peacoat with a bullet hole over the heart and a friendly man wearing a graphic t-shirt, don’t pick a fight.  They’re the main characters, so you’d only end up being butchered between chapters and mentioned in passing.  Best to just move along and pretend you haven’t seen anything.  Most importantly, don’t touch the jeep or damage the CD Player unless you want the woman to shoot you.
  8. Seriously, don’t go to Nebraska.

Enjoy that?

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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22 Responses to How to Survive in the Shattered States or At Least Die With Dignity

  1. Kylie Betzner says:

    This made my day, especially the bit about the dog and dressing in leathers. What inspired this post by the way? Do you know something the rest of us don’t know?


  2. This was very good. I look froward to more.


  3. This was a great post. It immediately makes me want to start reading my copy. I already bought mine. I am worried that it made John froward and you small though.


  4. adeleulnais says:

    ok will not be going to Nebraska. 🙂


  5. Pingback: New Release: Crossing Bedlam by Charles Yallowitz | Journey To Ambeth

  6. Pingback: More on How to Survive in the Shattered States | Legends of Windemere

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