This is just a quick scene being written off the top of my head for that idea I mentioned last Thursday. I’ll probably change it and flush it out when I get to the actual writing. Basically, the United States has been blockaded and the federal government has been toppled. Life is still unstable even 10-15 (not sure yet) years later when the state governments and other factions have taken over. None of that really matters because our heroes couldn’t care less. We join one of them on Long Island soon after he gets out of where he’s been since before the upheaval.
Hitgirl from Kick-Ass
Lloyd lets his hand run along the merchant’s table, the gangly salesman glaring at the blatant disregard for the ‘No Touching’ sign. With a happy smile, the brown-haired man lets his fingers stop on a closed butterfly knife. Running his thumb along the side, he grins at the merchant and turns to ask his companion for help. Seeing that Cassidy is busy arguing over what to trade for a sewing kit, Lloyd decides it is the perfect time to reacquaint himself with human interaction.
“So I’ve been in Riker’s for a long time and had some questions,” he says, refusing to take his hand off the blade. His brow creases with displeasure when he sees that the merchant is not scared of his presence. “I get that the country has gone down the commode and people are acting like animals. At least I hope they are because I really want to kill a cannibal. It’s on my post-apocalyptic bucket list along with zombie and seeing Mount Rushmore. You don’t seem interested in that. Anyway, I had a question. Are all the States accounted for? I mean, any of them combined into one or wiped out or something particularly nasty?”
“Alaska and Hawaii haven’t been heard from since the blockade,” the merchant replies, his voice struggling to remain calm. “We get people who claim to be from those areas, but nothing ever pans out. Wifi den users keep spreading rumors about them too. No way to know since the rest of the world could be feeding us the wrong information. Too bad since I’d enjoy going to Hawaii.”
“It’s pronounced Hawaii.”
“That’s what I said.”
“No you said Hawaii when it’s actually Hawaii. Common mistake.”
“You just said it the same way twice.”
“This joke really doesn’t work in print,” Lloyd claims, earning himself a strange look from the merchant. Drumming his fingers on the butterfly knife, he shrugs and takes a quick peek at his distracted companion. “Never mind. You’re not important enough to understand. So can I have the knife? I’m just a newborn babe in this big scary world and really want to have such a shiny form of protection. Please?”
“You have to trade for it,” the merchant replies, reaching out to take the weapon. He freezes when the other man yanks the knife away and flips it open. “There are rules on Long Island. No killing to get what you want is a big one. Everything is done through trade, so either give me something I want or go away.”
“Thank you for explaining the rules,” Lloyd says before swiftly lashing out with the butterfly knife. He slices off the merchant’s pinky at its middle knuckle and catches the severed digit to hand back to the man. “There you go. I give you back your finger and I get my new knife. A very good deal since this item has been used and is now covered in blood, which is a bad way to do business. You really should take better care of your merchandise if you want to retain such a stellar reputation. Also you might want to put that pinky on ice and stop the bleeding. I suggest gauze.”
“What are you doing, Lloyd!?” Cassidy shouts when she reaches the table. Reaching into her bag, she hands the injured merchant a roll of gauze and some tape. “I needed to keep those supplies, so now I have to trade for more. You can’t go around hurting people to get what you want. At least not here. Save it for the wilder parts. How did you cut through the bone with a butterfly knife anyway?”
“Dramatic effect and the guy writing this story got lazy with his research,” the serial killer answers with a shrug. Receiving a wide-eyed stare, he sighs and cleans his new weapon on his pants. “Never mind.”
Legends of Windemere 
I loved the scene. Nice to see how the idea is shaping up.
The 4th wall, though? Not a big fan. Maybe that’s just me, of course… 🙂
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We’ll see how that goes. Unfortunately, the 4th Wall thing was something I really wanted to try. I probably won’t be doing it nearly as much as one would think. Either that or make it more fluid in the scene. Kind of like the character occasionally talks as if he’s in a story. Hard to do since I also had a joke about how I can’t write accents, so a British character uses stereotypical terminology that I got from watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
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Lol – Spike calling 😀
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Poor Spike got neutered so horribly. I really should talk to my British friends for correct slang though.
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Ask for some Scottish words, while you’re at it. They sound much better.
While I lived up there, I’d heard that call centers, voiceovers etc regularly asked for Scottish voices, as they were considered more soothing.
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I like the scene, up in the air about the 4th wall. I think if you do it, you have to own it 100%. Make it regular enough that readers get it with the style. You might include yourself as omniscient narrator, and argue with the characters. If it’s “over the top” I think it works.
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I don’t know if I want to really put myself into it though. There really isn’t a space for that and I think that would break the flow a bit too much. It also makes it too much of a comedy. I’ll see how often I can do it, but it’ll only be coming from Lloyd. Kind of like how Deadpool in Marvel comics is the only one aware of being in a comic. Guess we’ll have to see how it goes.
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Nothing ventured… You know I believe in personal challenges. I push myself to try new things. Some work, some don’t, but I always learn from it.
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Yeah. It’s a tough addition to pull off from what I’m seeing. Some people like it and others hate it. I guess I fear doing it too much and turning this action/comedy into a bad Family Guy episode. Which is strange because I always saw the 4th Wall Breaking as similar to the asides you read in plays. Might be the minority there.
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Very fun scene! Despite Lloyd’s penchant for harming people, he seems very likable.
I also see the fourth wall breaking as an aside. I think you can do whatever you want. I read a middle grade novel where the narrator broke the fourth wall on the first page, then never did again.
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I might have Lloyd and Cassidy have an argument about main character status. She’ll assume that if he’s right then she has nothing to worry about. Then he’ll make a subtle comment about Game of Thrones without saying the title.
I should point out that Lloyd is a serial killer and will be a walking hazard to nearly everyone.
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Sounds like a great conversation. 🙂
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Let’s hope it works out. I’m still trying to figure out a few dangers. They’re traveling down I-80, which means 11 States and I’m stumped for a few.
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You’ll figure it out. You seem to be having fun with this.
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It is fun. Though I think the 4th wall thing will be a point of contention and up for personal taste.
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I think the 4th wall is fun. I liked the Hawaii bit and reference to the lazy writer. Of course, I like most of what you write so I’m not a good critic.
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Thanks. I really hope I can make this idea work. 🙂
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I think it will.
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I’m too serious in my thinking. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy comedy, I do, but the fourth wall stuff pulls me out to far, unless the piece is meant to be comedy. I don’t know how it will work as comic relief in a serial killer, bad guy story. It’s almost like disrespecting yourself as the author. I’ve seen that work in stand up comedy. Write like you want to and then, if it doesn’t seem to be working, pull it out.
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Well the serial killer isn’t really the bad guy here. Kind of a ‘good guy’ by comparison simply because there aren’t really any heroes here. I’m getting the feeling that it’s really going to be a sticking point.
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With your great sense of humor, I’m sure you can pull it off. I agree with Craig though, once you commit to it, you’re all in. I don’t think a one time joke would be fitting…but if they were sprinkled in, I could see it adding some comic relief without necessarily having a funny character….which might not work in this sort of story.
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It will be sprinkled in throughout the story. I don’t really want to put it where it’s presence gets stretched. Maybe I’m seeing this more of a dark action/comedy than one or the other.
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I like this Charles…very entertaining.
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Thanks. 🙂
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