End of an Era Revisit: Idiot’s Guide to Writing Sex Scenes

So, I was thinking about what to do for this week and it was suggested to do a top posts of the last two years.  So that’s what I’m doing after I sift through reblogs, pages, and posts that are nothing more than book sales notifications.  Those don’t really make any sense to repeat.  Let’s start this off with this post from July 2013!

After seeing Ionia’s post about sex and romance while reading a book that had a surprising amount of genitalia attention, I’m tempted to make fun of sex scenes.  I’m a weak-willed person, so here we go with ‘Rules to Make a Sex Scene’.

  1. Refer to sweat at least twenty times.
  2. Nibbling can be done on any body part and be a turn-on.  Yummy elbows.
  3. Bouncing must be the most common action word.  Jiggling doesn’t have the same effect.
  4. The woman always notices the weight of the guy when she’s on the bottom.
  5. The man never notices the weight of the woman when she’s on top.
  6. Woman on top equals goddess and woman on bottom equals angel.
  7. Every character is a pornstar level pro at oral sex.  Doesn’t matter if they’re a virgin.
  8. Both characters must have a moment where they’re surprised they’re having sex.
  9. Use at least 4 terms to describe the male member.
  10. Use at least 7 terms to describe the female genitalia.  At least 3 of these should be cave-based terms.
  11. Names will always be screamed.
  12. Woman’s hair will always be splayed on pillows when on bottom.
  13. Kisses are there when you can’t think of any more positions.
  14. Characters must always go through missionary, doggy, girl-on-top, and standing.  Missing one of these means they’re not having a good time.
  15. Try to feign some type of romance while the characters are basically rutting.
  16. Refer to becoming one with the universe either at the beginning or end of the session.
  17. Both must collapse at the end.
  18. Never have the guy ask her to make a sandwich once done.
  19. You can have the woman request a sandwich when done.
  20. Neither characters can have working legs by the end of it.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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24 Responses to End of an Era Revisit: Idiot’s Guide to Writing Sex Scenes

  1. dragonslut says:

    Nonsense! But I do like the sandwich points a lot!


  2. I don’t care what anyone says, that’s funny right there.


  3. LOL – I want a sandwich now! 😀


  4. sknicholls says:

    Hahaha! Too good. And true. I can write sex, but I don’t do romance well. Too many years being a slut shows.


  5. That’s great Charles really made me laugh! 😀


  6. Still crack me up. Excellent


  7. aldreaalien says:

    *snicker* It seems I’ve been doing it all wrong.


  8. Charles, you naughty boy!


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