So, I was thinking about what to do for this week and it was suggested to do a top posts of the last two years. So that’s what I’m doing after I sift through reblogs, pages, and posts that are nothing more than book sales notifications. Those don’t really make any sense to repeat. Let’s start this off with this post from July 2013!
After seeing Ionia’s post about sex and romance while reading a book that had a surprising amount of genitalia attention, I’m tempted to make fun of sex scenes. I’m a weak-willed person, so here we go with ‘Rules to Make a Sex Scene’.
- Refer to sweat at least twenty times.
- Nibbling can be done on any body part and be a turn-on. Yummy elbows.
- Bouncing must be the most common action word. Jiggling doesn’t have the same effect.
- The woman always notices the weight of the guy when she’s on the bottom.
- The man never notices the weight of the woman when she’s on top.
- Woman on top equals goddess and woman on bottom equals angel.
- Every character is a pornstar level pro at oral sex. Doesn’t matter if they’re a virgin.
- Both characters must have a moment where they’re surprised they’re having sex.
- Use at least 4 terms to describe the male member.
- Use at least 7 terms to describe the female genitalia. At least 3 of these should be cave-based terms.
- Names will always be screamed.
- Woman’s hair will always be splayed on pillows when on bottom.
- Kisses are there when you can’t think of any more positions.
- Characters must always go through missionary, doggy, girl-on-top, and standing. Missing one of these means they’re not having a good time.
- Try to feign some type of romance while the characters are basically rutting.
- Refer to becoming one with the universe either at the beginning or end of the session.
- Both must collapse at the end.
- Never have the guy ask her to make a sandwich once done.
- You can have the woman request a sandwich when done.
- Neither characters can have working legs by the end of it.
Legends of Windemere 
Nonsense! But I do like the sandwich points a lot!
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I agree. Some sex scenes are utter nonsense. 😉
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Is there much about life that isn’t? Last thing I heard we were talking monkeys on a rock shooting through the vast sea of space. Now after many, many years of study I’ve come to the conclusion that nobody has any idea what is going on and we’re all just winging it.
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Anybody who claims to know what’s going on is typically trying to sell you something. That or they lost their tinfoil hat.
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I don’t care what anyone says, that’s funny right there.
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Thanks . . . what are people saying? I’ve been away all day. Am I in trouble?
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It’s a Larry the Cable Guy ripoff line.
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Ah, I should have figured that out.
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LOL – I want a sandwich now! 😀
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Then somebody should have done the shopping. 😛
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Hahaha! Too good. And true. I can write sex, but I don’t do romance well. Too many years being a slut shows.
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Eh, romance is in the eye of the beholder. Some people want to be wooed with fine dining and champagne. Others want to be wooed with a monster truck rally and the backseat of a stolen Toyota. 😛
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That’s great Charles really made me laugh! 😀
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Thanks. This was a fun one to do back in the wild days. I’m pretty sure Ionia egged me on with this one. 😀
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Hmm. Back in the wild days. Sounds like a lot of fun. Could be taken the wrong way! 😉
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Wonder what the right way would be.
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Good point. Maybe we’d better not go there… 😉
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Not without the proper shots.
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Still crack me up. Excellent
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I’m happy this one got another shot. Fun to see new responses to it.
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*snicker* It seems I’ve been doing it all wrong.
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Me too. Just a hard thing to learn.
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Charles, you naughty boy!
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I try . . . though I’m really bad at it.
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