Final Fantasy XI Races

You see a lot of interesting races in fiction, so here’s a list of things to keep in mind when populating your world/universe with fictional creatures.  Totally serious.  Ignore the grin . . . okay, maybe most of these are going to be done for laughs . . . all of them:

1. Breasts of females must always be accentuated because how else are we to know the difference between the non-human genders.  Sure the voice, facial structure, clothes, hair, body structure, name, and directed pronoun will ‘help.  Guys simply don’t have time for all of that, so you have to go right for the chest.
2. All males of non-human races must be one of two things.  They are either testosterone incarnate with the social skills of a drunken frat boy or effeminate to the point where you wonder if their race is composed entirely of females.  This can be shed for central characters that come from this race, but they’re ALWAYS the exception to the standard of their people.
3. Dwarves have beards.
4. Short races must always have to deal with at least one character that makes fun of them for their height.  This always results in a loud rant or the kicking of shins because it’d be too ridiculous for the short race to ignore such comments.  Or for taller races to treat them with respect.  I mean, let’s be realistic here.
5. Elves have pointy ears and make the women swoon.
6. All ugly races are evil or misunderstood for most of a story.  They simply cannot start out as good-natured because that’s too unbelievable.  I mean, who wants a friendly orc or a charming zombie?
7. One race should live in trees and be one with nature.  They get confused or irritable when in cities, but are friendly and pompous when in the wilderness.  You have to make this species slightly arrogant and irritating to make sure your readers get the idea that ‘hippies are bad’.
8. Every race has their own language, which they slip into whenever they want humans to not know what they’re talking about.  Or when you want to make the reader think something secret is happening.  Or when you want to force people to pay attention to your movie and read subtitles if you even remember to put those up in the first place, Mr. Jackson.
9. At least one cat-girl should be dressed in a French maid outfit even if there’s no such thing as France in your world.  We shall call this the Greg Rule, which would be funnier if he read this list.
10. Every race has a token weapon like elves and bows or dwarves and axes.  You never have to explain this or make note of them training in these things.  They’re just naturally good with these weapons and any humans that match them are suddenly seen as close friends.
11. Even though the races have different languages, cultures, governments, religions, and histories, they all use the same currency.
12. Clothing of the pretty races should fall into two categories.  So tight that they leave nothing to the imagination or so skimpy that they should be arrested for public indecency.  This goes for both genders so start researching lingerie and athletic supporters.
13. Most non-human species hate or fear humans with the exception of the one that is far too obsessed with them.