This is the 53rd edition of What Not to Do, which is a great weekly series done by the great John W. Howell. This week I’ve been permitted to join in the fun. This list will appear on Legends of Windemere post as well as on Fiction Favorites.
Top Ten Things Not to do When Writing with a Toddler Around
10. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a hungry toddler, do not give them the entire box of their favorite cereal in lieu of cooking dinner. At best, they will scatter the contents of the box around the room and give you an hour of focused vacuuming to do during your break. At worst, their cereal will be high in sugar and you will spend the rest of the week gluing all of your wife’s pottery back together.
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9. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a loud toddler, do not wear headphones to drown them out with heavy metal music. At best, you will find that they took advantage of your obliviousness and cleaned all of your underwear in the toilet. At worst, you will find that they started a ‘Pet Breakfast Club’ in the basement with the hamster, the bird, and a cat that you have never seen before.
8. If you are trying to write your book while supervising an energetic toddler, do not put them in the backyard to wear themselves out while you ‘watch’ from inside. At best, you will find them trapped in a tree, under the bushes, or at the top of their swing set. At worst, you will find that they drove the riding mower throughout the neighborhood and now you have to throw a BBQ to make peace with the neighbors.
7. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a sleeping toddler, do not fill the silent void with music. At best, they will stay asleep, but your concentration will break every time the music sounds a bit too loud. At worst, they will wake up and take screeching vengeance on the parent who dared disturb their slumber.
6. If you are trying to edit a print out of your book while supervising an imaginative toddler, do not leave your manuscript alone for more than a few seconds. At best, you will find that someone played ‘editor’ with a pink highlighter and left their sweating sippy cup on your chair. At worst, you will return to find the pages strewn across the office by a child who announces himself as ‘Princess Else’ and asks if you want to make a snowman. This is also when you realize that Microsoft Word doesn’t automatically put page numbers on documents.
5. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a talkative toddler, do not try to continue typing while holding a conversation. At best, you will write gibberish because your fingers have slipped one key to the left and you never noticed. At worst, you will unknowingly include the conversation in your manuscript and give your editor more embarrassing ammo to tease you with. Even worse, your editor doesn’t catch the issue and you publish with the hero and villain discussing why big boys don’t poop in their underwear.
4. If you are trying to write your book while waiting for the toddler to come home from school, do not ignore the clock and push your time to the final minute. At best, you will have to go running out to the bus without shoes and wearing your lucky ‘Hello, Kitty’ author shirt. At worst, you never hear the bus, your toddler is trapped for the rest of the route, and you get a delightful call from the bus company that they are not transporting your child.
3. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a curious child, do not scream at them for asking the same question 13 times. At best, they will get upset and throw a tantrum that signifies the end of your writing day. At worst, you will teach him several colorful words that he will gladly repeat to his mother, grandparents, teachers, strangers in public, and the head of your church/synagogue.
2. If you are trying to write your book while supervising an attentive toddler, do not read what you’re typing out loud. At best, you will be bombarded by questions about your book that will cause you to realize that you have no idea what you’re doing. At worst, your toddler will learn about what mommy and daddy do behind closed doors because you happened to be writing a graphic sex scene.
1. If you are trying to write your book while supervising a rambunctious toddler, do not duct tape them to the wall for a few moments of peace. At best, the child will get free and collect various objects on the tape while rushing around the house. At worst, your spouse will come home with parents in tow and you’ll wake up in the hospital with a police officer and divorce lawyer hovering over you.
Legends of Windemere 
Great post. Had me chuckling and nodding my head a lot, strangely. Although I could probably cut it down to one golden rule. Unless you are barking mad, do not attempt to do any work on your book while the toddler is around. 😉 Says the woman who wrote a 150,000 word novel over two years in 15 hours a week nursery time – I am in awe of you because it nearly cost me my sanity!
Cheers
MTMM
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Sadly, that isn’t always an option when you set up release dates. 😦
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I can believe it, although I just set them up and then miss them… several times…
Cheers
MTM
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I’ve taken to avoiding clear deadlines. At least saying them out loud.
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🙂
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I think I’ve heard you mention some of these before
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Yeah. Glad to get some use out of that list. 🙂
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Great list, Charles! I mentioned over on John’s blog that these are also ten reasons why I don’t have children 😉 It’s enough for me to deal with my cats starting to whine right at a crucial moment. Amazing how they know just the right frequency to make me crazy 😉
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Actually, there was an article that explained how cats do that. Over the centuries, they’ve figured how to make a noise similar to those of infant children.
http://www.livescience.com/5556-cats-control-humans-study-finds.html
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OMG: “annoying and difficult to ignore.” That is exactly it! Thanks for the link. Now we know. We are being manipulated 🙂
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They took over ancient Egypt and they’re working on the rest of us. Only those with cat allergies can save us now.
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lol 🙂
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Loved the list and thank you for contributing. Hope you will do it again sometime.
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You’re welcome. It’ll be fun to do again when things settle. Not sure of a topic though. Maybe something will come to me while prepping for the next debut.
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Top ten things not to do when debuting a novel
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That would be perfect. I have a bunch of ideas for that already. Mostly due to bad jokes with a few friends.
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When debuting a novel do not misspell the title in your blurb
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Do not pose naked on a billboard with the promise ‘Will take down at 1,000 sales.’
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don’t offer free books in return for reviews.
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Don’t stalk celebrities and leap in their path with your book held out in front of you in the hopes of a paparazzi getting it in a picture.
I might be a little too crazy here.
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Carzy is good. Don’t threaten to leap off a building while holding your book (knowing you will be talked down by the local police)
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There’s also a high chance that nobody will see the book in your hands and that’s really a one-time trick like Daffy Duck in the old cartoons.
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Yeah. Twice doesn’t work. How about do not invent famous author comments for the PR piece. “Great Fantasy piece”- Stephen Hocking
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Excellent. I know a lot of people do this, but first time authors going ‘If you like this series then you’ll love mine!’ in a book blurb. Best case scenarios are people will agree or simply laugh at you. Worst case scenario is that the fans of the popular series set out to prove you wrong and destroy you for hubris.
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Love the word hubris. Haven’t used it for a while and am going to use it today somewhere.
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Maybe at the beach when you see a litterbug?
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Funny stuff! My bets on the toddler. We get senile as we get older and they get smarter.
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I wonder how I’ll be when senile. With all the characters and imaginary ideas in my head, I might not get reality all the time.
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Ha! I don’t know, so don’t ask about thirty years from now, should I be graced to live so long. You will be writing like Tolkien…up until your final days. Then your son will publish your Silmarillion.
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Can I go for an author with more than 4 books published in his lifetime? 😉
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This is an awesome list, Charles; and so true. 😀
My lesson learned from sharing my study with a husband and two cats: save your work immediately, unless you want your cat to edit. I lost half a chapter, once…
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My son knows not to touch my laptop when I’m working, so that’s a plus. I’ve been using a free program called Dropbox though. Hard drive crash last month took out the last two chapters of my 8th book.
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Having a cat on my lap as I type this, I can identify… 😀
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Tricky situation. 5 minutes ago, one of our cats switched my keyboard to Gaelic. 😀
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The cat knows Gaelic?
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The cat does perhaps – I don’t. 😦
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Must be nice as a lap warmer in the winter. 😀
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Ha ha! These are all hilarious! I’m guilty of numbers 4 and 6, but not just with toddlers (number 4). I occasionally have to pick up teens from school to help out their busy parents. I’ve had to rush out the door in pajama pants (the same ones I’d been in all day). And I’ve printed out manuscripts only to find a toddler eating part of a page.
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It was easier when I worked in the dining room, which has the windows to the front. Now I spend most of my time working in my room, which gives me no view of the street.
Haven’t had the toddler eat a manuscript yet. Worst he’s done is draw on the blank side of a print out.
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Hilarious post. The real question, of course, is what *do* you do?? Anyone crack that yet?
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I think the consensus is you don’t try to write or find a way to distract the toddler.
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Great list!
Its funny how my son never touches my husbands new laptop,no matter what he does (the thing even has a neon glow on keyboard, CMON!), but if he sees a Word document open on mine, it’s like it is a sign for Lets not let Mom write down a single thing 🙂
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Future writer?
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lol 😀 my youngest is 18, but I remember those days!
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Mine is 4. I fall into that duct tape temptation a lot.
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“Pet Breakfast Club”! I’m afraid to ask what they were smoking! lol And I though duct tape is the cure for all things broken! 🙂 Shows you how much I know.
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I guess a toddler running amok doesn’t count as broken. As for the smoking, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in most countries.
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