The Massive Monster Mart

Monster Size Chart from D&D

Welcome to our island chain store.  Yes, I know we only have one island, but there are hundreds across the world.  You can’t create giant monsters in city limits or the suburbs without getting into trouble.  Best to keep them isolated and let the customer be responsible for all damages.  Oh, sign this waiver before we begin.  It’s exactly what you think it is and more.

Now, here is our size list.  We don’t sell anything smaller than a two-story house, which doesn’t count tall hair or horns.  It’s from sole of the foot to top of the skull, so anything over that isn’t included in the size.  Of course, putting too much on the head of even one of our creatures will cause balance issues.  Not to mention the neck snapping and we don’t provide refunds after the final sale.  I see you’re on the Empire State Building example, which is our best seller.  Many go for the Shanghai Tower package, but they inevitably return to get a smaller model.  The reason is because the monster requires too much maintenance and there’s no way to hide it again once it’s been released.  The ESB is huge, but can be stashed in a variety of locations found within your average city.  Invisibility isn’t an option here.  Sorry.

Let’s talk about species. For obvious reasons, apes and dinosaurs are popular.  Wolves are common for our northern customers while squids are a favorite of those who are focused on the sea.  We are currently out of sharks due to another movie being made.  You can combine up to four beasts using this chart.  The divisions are head, torso, extremities, and tail.  I will warn you that we do not prevent our customers from crafting faulty beasts.  For example, a large chicken that only breathes through gills and has barbed tails.  Such a creature would suffocate out of the water and the feathers would hamper swimming.  In other words, choose your pieces carefully.  Okay, you will have the grizzly bear body with an alligator’s tail, limbs of a gibbon, and head of a condor.

Finally, we have special additions that don’t normally come from the pieces that you have just chosen.  Think of this as the miscellaneous category.  As you can see, the book is big enough to cover that entire table.  Seems one of our employees got crushed underneath it too.  Mop and bucket in the special additions room!  Do you have anything in mind?  A blast of lava from the mouth is possible.  We will have to charge extra to reinforce the digestive system to protect it from burning.  A fan on the end of the tail . . . We can work something out.  Waterproof the fur, webbed extremities, heat vision, and a single bellybutton harpoon.  Strange combination, but all of those are on our list.  Sorry, but we don’t have any regeneration abilities.  If your monster loses a part or needs repairs then you will have to bring them back here.

Well, that covers all of the basics and extras.  As you can see, giant monsters aren’t as complicated to build as one thinks.  The real challenge is in crafting the proper origin to explain it’s existence.  Please follow one of our free range, coffee-fueled authors to the back room and they will help you with that.  It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not.  Most people will be too busy running to correct you, but it helps to be prepared.  Thank you for your business.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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15 Responses to The Massive Monster Mart

  1. L. Marie says:

    😄 😁😄 😁😄 😁 I see you’ve thought of everything. I just want two monsters big enough for a character to intone, “Let them fight.”
    Do I need insurance in case the monster(s) run amok and destroy whole cities?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    BIG Sale on, over at Charles’ place 😱

    Like

  3. Victoria Zigler says:

    I always love these posts.

    Like

  4. Love it. I’ll take a big red dog for my grandkids. Is a cookie dispenser an option?

    Like

  5. V.M.Sang says:

    Could you do something like the body of a bear with the head of a dragon and a scorpion’s tail, complete with poisonous sting? Would it be possible for the dragonbear to breathe poisonous gas, too?

    Like

  6. You mean to tell me that the Empire State Building package isn’t just a monster that looks like the building snd eats unsuspecting passers by? Here I came halfway across the world because I heard of your package. Can you help me or point me to someone who can?

    Like

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