Andy’s Action Armor Archives: Free Polish with Every Suit

Final Fantasy

Coming right over!  Wow . . . You definitely came to the right place. No adventure would survive wearing regular clothes.  I’m surprised nobody jumped you for that shiny sword, especially in this part of town.  Now, let’s go into the back and get an idea of what we’re working with. Please keep your clothes on, sir.

Seems we’re looking at speed and stealth given your build and weapon.  That means no heavy armors even with magic to making them lighter.  Our products have a limit to the amount of spells they can hold before their integrity dissolves.  Even one that is enhanced to be more durable will start to fall apart if you put too much on there.  So, the best we can get platemail to is about a quarter of its weight and that’s only if you do nothing more than spells to make it lighter.  Chainmail might work, but I’d recommend leather.  We also have hide, scale, wooden plate, fur, this black shiny one, cardboard, paper, loincloth only, and evil vampire tooth.  Wicker too if you don’t make getting laughed at.  Leather is a good choice and now we’ll move on to modifications.

No, not magical.  There’s plenty we can do before we start flinging spells around.  I assure you that our methods are not actually flinging.  So, we can go with smooth leather or one with studs around the chest and shoulders.  There are suits that you attach over your clothes in pieces or full armor with clothes sewn inside.  For you, I would go with the former in case you have to switch out quickly.  Oh, you’re not an assassin?  Then, the latter could work out.  If you’re willing to wait for an extra three days, we can sew chainmail patches over your vital areas like the heart and liver.  No to the groin because that can lead to things getting caught down there.  I think we can put a few metal plates in there as long as they’re not big enough to bring down your flexibility.  Along the spine?  That would take an extra week and you staying here for measurements.  We’d have to craft each piece to exactly your body, which isn’t easy.

Now for the magic.  What do you want?  Well, we can do almost anything, so there’s no point in going through a long list.  Talk to me and I’ll let you know if it’s possible.  Small force field to cover your head?  It will only blow non-magical weapons that aren’t any bigger than a longsword.  A great maul will sends your skull into the next village.  Warning sense is a popular item.  We have it in psychic message, uneasy feeling, ear buzz, itchiness, strange sneeze, or sweating in the direction of the danger.  Last one isn’t very popular, but it is subtle, so good choice.  Self-repair is a big one and would be the only other thing that you put on.  Look, magical armor is hard to damage in the first place and we have a warranty.  Blinding flash and a perfect direction sense, especially when heading home.  I get the sense that you’re the type to get lost or run if things get too dangerous.  That’s not a bad thing, buddy.  Means you’ll live longer.

That’s really all we need to go over.  Few minor things like if you want matching boots and gloves with the suit.  Also, let us know if you want any special emblems, which you can come back to us for.  We’re always happy to personalize stuff in more ways than spells.  What’s in that bag?  It’s our first time customer gift.  You get our card, a stone to contact us in emergencies once a month, armor polish, armor oil, clean rags, repair kit, next of kin notification form, and shoulder clips in case you want a cape.  You’d be surprised how often that last one comes up.  Now let’s get to measuring . . . Please pull your pants back up, sir.

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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11 Responses to Andy’s Action Armor Archives: Free Polish with Every Suit

  1. L. Marie says:

    😃 😄 Hilarious! I’m definitely down for light armor. So you don’t have anything that can withstand a battering ram? You don’t happen to sell battering rams, do you?


    • We only do armor, so we don’t sell battering rams. Enough enchantments can hold up to one, but that’s going to be it. You might still get shoved or feel the pressure, but take no damage. At least if you stick with light armor.


  2. This was laugh out loud funny, Charles. I loved all the selections right down to the evil vampire tooth. I was hoping for something lightweight but effective. Could a cardboard suit be upgraded with magic?


  3. Wait a minute. I thought the ad meant free Polish sausage. I’m hungry.


  4. I always figured a localized force field was the secret behind those leather or chain bikinis that certain warriors like so much.


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