The Scallywag Salad Buffet

Homer Simpson

Welcome to our fine eating establishment.  Here you can make your own salad with all of our ingredients.  Well, we don’t let you touch the food due to health concerns.  You look through the glass and tell our sterilized robots what to pick from  Then, you will get served outside next to the lake where we have our rainbow dolphins.  Don’t worry about them because they’re harmless . . . and robotic.

Now, let’s begin with the base of your salad.  Most people go for the typical lettuce or spinach, which we have here.  As you can see, we have a ton of each and they are safely contained to prevent them from falling on any of our workers.  The sign back there says it’s been a week since we had an accident, which is our personal best.  Now, we have other bases if you want.  This is our onion pile and we have a bowl made completely out of carrot sticks. Hollowed melons and coconuts are an option since we take the skin off to allow for eating of the entire product.  We recommend these to help the planet.  Other options include large heads of cauliflower with skewers for the other veggies, a giant mushroom cap turned upside down, and this circular piece of dough that we can cook up.

Let’s move on to the other additions.  There are far too many to list because you can put anything in a salad.  Here are the veggies that range from tomatoes to a type of radish that tastes like a cucumber.  We think that’s because they were sent with the cucumbers and that taste infects everything.  All of our mushrooms, as you can see in our nursery, are edible and safe.  Yes, I know that black one has a skull and crossbones on it, but I assure you that the symbol is a lie.  That species simply evolved a way to make humans avoid eating them.  It’s quite intelligent and only screams once when bitten into.  Now on to the fruits that are picked fresh from the farm out back.  None of our fruits have been kept in syrup, so they don’t come with extra sugar.  Like the vegetables, we have every type that you can think of and some you’ve never heard of.  For example, this is a strawberry . . . Oh, you’ve heard of that?  Never mind.  These are the meats that range from these crumbled cow remains to these spicy red discs that may be pork.

Cheeses!  We make these ourselves in the basement laboratory, which is only the word we use since we don’t know what else to call it.  Cheese factory sounded too close to another establishment.  Nothing really special about these.  People are very particular about their cheeses, so you come in knowing what you want.  Do you smell that aromatic combination of aromas?  I wouldn’t know because my nose became utterly useless a month into having the position of Cheese Preparation Lord.  Your salad can be topped with slices, chunks, crumbles, shredded, and powdered if you wish.  Yes, we keep the croutons in this section too, but there’s no variety in them.

Last, but not least, we have all of our dressings.  Our saucier traveled the world to collect as many recipes as she could.  We make them fresh in the morning and put on as much as you want.  In fact, we prefer to put it on the side and bring you more if you think you need more.  Our more popular flavors are in the front such as tropical mango, ranch, Italian, seasoned tomato dressing, spicy peppermint pesto, and buffalo.  That last one isn’t what you think it is.  Not made from the animal, but all of the ingredients come from Buffalo, NY.  Our saucier assures us that it’s the traditional way to make it.  In the back are our lesser known dressings such as coffee slurry, bubblegum, melted cherry chapstick, and caramel cottage cheese.   They are nauseating, but you never know when someone will come in and ask for them.  It hasn’t happened yet, but I’d rather be prepared just in case.

There you have it.  What would you like?  Sorry, but the only way out of our establishment is to use the back door.  The robotic guard won’t let you out unless you have a salad, so there’s only one way to leave.  Yes, this is why we make so much money and it’s entire legal in this city.  Now, what would you like?  Cooked flattened dough, seasoned tomato dressing, shredded mozzarella, and the meat discs.  That is a very popular salad for some reason.  What do you call it?

About Charles Yallowitz

Charles E. Yallowitz was born, raised, and educated in New York. Then he spent a few years in Florida, realized his fear of alligators, and moved back to the Empire State. When he isn't working hard on his epic fantasy stories, Charles can be found cooking or going on whatever adventure his son has planned for the day. 'Legends of Windemere' is his first series, but it certainly won't be his last.
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12 Responses to The Scallywag Salad Buffet

  1. Cheese preparation Lord? HA! Are you making fun of those WholeFoods and Seasons 52 type of people who say they care about the environment, yet they want every weird-ass, carbon footprint-imported goody in the world—as Long as it’s grown or made organically?


  2. L. Marie says:

    😁 😆 😅 This is hilarious!
    Though I’m not sure I trust those robot workers. How do I know they’re not secretly trying to kill humans? Robots seem to have a have a revolution every so often! So there’s no telling what’s in some of those salad dressings!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Fun one, Charles. I had to laugh at the mushrooms that developed skull and crossbones to avoid being eaten. Just on screen too. Perfect product.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Lol, I thought the doughnuts in your image were gigantic cashews and I was all excited.

    Liked by 1 person

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