So, my son and I went to the zoo last weekend and a few things have stuck with me. Most good, but a few that I need to get off my chest. The place was packed, which meant there was more of the rudest of creatures: Humans. Usually, I leave this alone, but I feel like having some fun here. Hence, a few messages to people:
- To the people banging on the glass of the gorilla exhibit to get their attention, I hope a silverback charges and cracks the glass. Just to make you soil yourself in this large crowd. The baby on the other side is trying to eat, so leave him alone. Admire without instigating and let them make the first move.
- To adults in the crowd, remember how tall you are. Having a bunch of 5’11” and 6’0” giants taking up the front row is ridiculous. Stand in the back since the children crying to see the animals aren’t going to be in your way. Your oohs, aahs, and awws only make the situation worse. We all know something interesting is going on, but all we see is a see of cheap Walmart shirts.
- To whoever throws trash into an exhibit, go play in traffic. Seriously, you need to go away and stop ruining things for the rest of us.
- To parents who forget that other people have kids, I suggest you get to the back of the line for any photo opportunities. Many of us thought it would be cool for our kids to come through the prairie dog tunnel and pop out of the hole where one of the prairie dogs was perched on the fiberglass cover. Would have been a great picture. A bunch of us were ready. Then, your imps pop up to start banging on the cover and scare the poor animal. Yes, I’m a little more annoyed than most because my son was the next in line.
- To people who are getting tired or need to stop for any reason, move to the side of the walkway! The zoo is crowded and you stopping in with the rest of your clan in the middle of the road causes a traffic jam. People have to find ways around you and some kids squeeze through without their parents because they want to keep going. It’s really bad when you block a zoo shuttle and show no intention of getting out of the way. I’m sure that conversation you’re having and we can kind of hear could wait until you get to the side or to one of the many open spots.
- To those making animal noises at the animals, you aren’t talking their language. In fact, you sound like you stubbed your toe on a razor blade. Yes, we know what Sesame Street says are animal noises, but you don’t have to do them at the top of your lungs and dance around. I mean, you can because it’s a free country. I’m just saying the act gets old after the fifth time and really gets annoying when you add banging the glass to the ‘fun’. By the way, yelling ‘chomp’ at a Nile Crocodile is embarrassing to us all as a species.
- To the first group of people who cut the line for a ride, I applaud your callousness. Not to the rest of us waiting in the heat, but to the befuddled grandparents you seem to have left behind. They were saving you a spot farther down the line and you cut instead. Also, I’m fairly certain the three people who followed you weren’t part of your family when we ran into each other an hour ago at the zebras. Do you just adopt adults as you go along? If so then was that elderly couple really part of your family or were they rentals whose contract was up at a very sad time?
- To the second group of people who cut the line for a ride, I hope it was worth it. I assume it really wasn’t since you missed the cut off for the next ride by one person. You’re on the same one as everyone you jumped ahead of. Honestly, I’m not even made about this one. It was kind of amusing and at least you didn’t abandon anyone like in #7. You know, you guys get a pass for sticking together here.
- To the zoo, letting someone in for a special members pre-opening thing is great. It doesn’t help when you direct said member to the parking lot clear on the other side of the zoo from the event with 10 minutes to get there. Rushing through an entire zoo with an animal-loving 9-year-old is a feat that very few parents can pull off. I mean, I did it only to find out that the event was cancelled for the day. The thing was free with membership anyway, but it really was a rise and sudden dashing of hope. Should also admit that I forgot this was a thing, so this is more me being amused by the amount of obstacles that appeared without warning.
- To the people in a crowd who might not know about the invention of toilet paper, please stand downwind. Oh my god, my nose and stomach were about to die at some points. Do you buy underwear in bulk and throw them out after one use? I mean, the paper in the bathroom stall isn’t decorative or tissues. Maybe it’s time for America to adopt the bidet. Although, that might bring on new problems.
And as for #1: